jakebe | Entries tagged with move

Current Mood: weird

I have this giant wart on the left side of my thumb, right on the knuckle. I've had it for months now, and I'm not really sure how I got it. (Don't list *that* reason, it's just an old wives' tale, don't ya know. Probably. Besides, I haven't all right?! Geez. Perv.) Anyway, I'm sick of looking at it and having people stare at it when I'm writing down book prices in front of them. So I've been looking for ways to get rid of it that don't involve going to a doctor or dropping $20 on one of those wart removal kits.

A friend of mine said duct tape works really well for that sort of thing; there's something about the adhesive that makes warts very unhappy, and eventually they get so unhappy they end up dying. Well, I don't like watching things suffer, but this wart has caused me enough grief that it's pretty much It or Me.

So I've been wearing duct tape around my thumb for the past four days. Surprisingly, the wart is shrinking. It's also turned a rather sickly white. This is really gross, and I'm sure most of you are eating this around dinner time. I should have put it behind a cut, but it's too late now. Enjoy your corn. :)

Anyway, I've been learning to get better at Scrabble, slowly but surely. Still not good enough to win, but good enough to threaten winning on occasion. I still don't want to go up against

shaterri any time soon (he took my linguistic balls and keeps them in a mason jar under his sink), but I'm getting to the point where I can at least score 10 pts or so on every word I play. It's not amazing, but it's a start.

We're getting to that stage of the game where preparations are actually going to have to be made. I took out several books I'd like to throw/give away, and now I'm rooting through the ones I'm keeping to figure out what I'm taking with me to CA and what I'll be keeping in storage here in AR for the time being. A lot depends on whether

arlekin can get his family's van for the road trip; if he can then I might be able to take the bookshelves and most of the books as well (provided there's the room in

toob's apartment). If not, a lot more goes into storage, I burn off the bookshelves and see if I can score new ones on the cheap in CA.

The full weight of the move is going to hit me any second now. I can already feel the haze of surreality descending on me, and I'll probably be drifting in that fog for the entirety of July, watching the days burn away and the actuality of what I'm doing grow more and more solid. I'm moving to California to be with the man I love. It's such a big change, it's such a big risk...and it's absolutely what I want to be doing. I still cannot believe it.

There's a lot of change going 'round these parts, it seems. It's all very exciting, but stressful and tiring at the same time. It'll be interesting to see what everything looks like once the dust settles.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Hand Me Down - The Wallflowers

There are a lot of things I really need to get my head on straight about.

Haven't been the very best about controlling money flow, and with the move being as dangerously close as it is that straight up needs to end. I think that even if I play it mildly smart I'll be just fine...I think the main expense is going to be the move itself and I'm almost positive I'll have *some* kind of job within 30 days of being on the Left Coast, but I would still like to keep at least $500 in the bank even after I'm all settled in and managing to pay any and all bills in a timely fashion.

I had the realization sometime last week that I was actually pushing friends away before I moved to make the eventual disconnection easier, and since then I've been taking steps to...you know, reverse that. Despite all of the problems and differences we might have, folks here are the family I've never had up until this point, and as such my family has been responsible, directly and indirectly, for my development up to this point. I wouldn't be where I am today without them, and I aim to make sure they know I appreciate it by the time I'm packing up the U-Haul and waving goodbye until I can't see them any more.

Life has been pretty much a blur these past several weeks. Lots of work stuff going down; I keep waffling between determination to make sure my sections and duplicates are in functioning order so I can hand off the baton to my replacement as smoothly as possible and hopless resignation that such an idealized goal is nothing short of impossible. We've entered the busy season, where departing college students and vacationing townies want to unload all of their books for some extra spending cash, so the aisle that houses Poetry and Local Interest and Bindings (guess what? all my sections!) are so cluttered with boxes that I can barely shelve anything, much less straighten the sections. Afternoons especially are hopelessly busy, and almost everyone working has to drop what they're doing to manage the flow of books coming in (lots) and going out (little). It's not a bad life, especially on the good days when you take it all in stride, but these days I have to be powered mostly on caffeine just to make it through. :)

I haven't been meditating, exercising, or yoga-ing. Most days I roll out of bed, freshen up a bit, check mail and LJ, make lunch and head on out. I have taken to reciting the Sutra on Loving Kindness before I leave, though, and...man, it does wonders, let me tell you. :) I'm a lot less angry and disappointed with people in general, and it feels good to be able to let go of a lot of that.

I haven't been writing, either, which means there's this ball of guilt that's been sitting in the bottom of my stomach all the time and making it difficult to eat a whole lot (seriously). I really want to, but I don't have the time; between social engagements and RPGs and fleshing out the world for a limited-run campaign I'm eyeing there hasn't even been much time for sleep, much less stories and poetry. I wish I had a bit more time to slow down and be contemplative, but that would mean shutting people out at some point and there's no way to do that without feelings being hurt. I'll just have to take time as I can get it.

Oh! Went up to KC and hung out with a bunch of very cool people last weekend, and that helped tons. :D Re-acquainted myself with Roxikat, who is insanely cool (and an actor?! my heart flutters!), caught up with Seph and Geemo and Kamber and Gideon and Sylvan and Rozberk, fell in love with Hammy the Squirrel (though only one squirrel *really* has my heart), and hurt myself pretending to be Muhammed Ali at Dave and Buster's. Oh! And I had buffalo for the first time. Not bad meat. :9 Thanks guys for being awesome, and especially to Aubrin for letting me carpool with him.

Finished Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, and it made me think about how...unfashionable it is to really, properly grieve, and how most people find unabashed sadness and mourning very uncomfortable. She talks about the trend towards burying grief and how that's supported by society at large these days just a little bit, but now I'm wondering if anyone's written about grieving from a purely sociological/anthropological/mythological standpoint. Any suggestions out there?

Anyway, it's a really great book, and Didion does a really great job of laying bare her mental process for the year after her husband's death. What grief is, what it *does* to you, how it changes and diminishes you, changes you forever. Somehow she manages to make the whole experience...clinical, though. It's messy and loopy and weird, but it's not personal, at least as she's written it. That's a very curious thing to me. Maybe it's just her treatment of her experience, the way she addresses her thoughts...are they 'too intellectual' for me to connect with on an emotional basis? Mmm, quite possibly.

Next up, I'm going to revisit Godel, Escher, Bach and try to balance it out with some Terry Pratchett in between chapters. :)

Oh! There's an actually really-real local theatre company in Fayetteville finally. :D I'm going to see if anyone wants to go support them in their first production.

And finally...now that there's only a little over two months (maybe more) between me and The Big Move, I thought now might be a good time to establish the itinerary.

arlekin and I will be travelling together from Fayetteville, Arkansas to Sunnyvale, California, and we were wondering if a few kind furs wouldn't mind putting us up for a night or two along the way. I definitely want to swing in to Austin at least, and maybe hit Oklahoma, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Southern California and other places along the way. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Now, time to shut things down. Almost time for dinner with Odis, and then Cy's game.

Current Mood: thoughtful

I think most people who've replied hit the nail on the head. I need to be alone far more often.

I also think it's just...the weirdness that comes with knowing that you're soon to part ways with all of these people you've come to know for the past six years. There's a lot of sadness and worry and apprehension and no one really knows how to express it.

I know I'm worried. What if I don't save enough money in time? What if something goes wrong and I *don't* have a place to stay when I'm ready to move out there? What if I lose my job? What if I can't find one once I'm out there? What if the strain of suddenly *being* together is too much and Tube and I don't work? What if I blow through my savings and everything goes bust?

I'm not sure this is going to work, this move. I want it to, and Tube and I have spent hours on the phone working out ways for it to work. We're both not stupid, or inexperienced; we've done the long-distance-cum-local relationship thing before, we have a fair idea of what to expect and we've made allowances. We're open and honest about what might happen.

Daro brings up a good point in her reply. It's come to my attention that people are concerned about the way things are going down, and some people have offered estimates on how soon things'll go south. I moved from Maryland to Arkansas for the exact same reasons I'm moving to California, and people are worried that this is just a repeat of what happened here during my first two years.

To them I say: do you really think I haven't learned anything since then? That I'm the same person I was back then? I'm not coming into this with any illusions that it's going to be bliss. It's going to be difficult, hell, it IS difficult, but it's something that I have to do.

It isn't just about Tube, though he's the biggest reason and the ultimate catalyst. It's about taking the risk to improve yourself, it's about stepping away from the familiar and safe for what you believe in, it's about confronting failure, not avoiding it. We all do these things in our own ways. This move is mine.

I know moving is the right thing to do because I'm so scared. It's not that I need to do any little thing that scares me (don't try to argue against this point by taking it to an illogical extreme), but it's been a very long time since I've challenged myself to this degree. It's forcing me to be smarter with money, it's forcing me to be more assertive, it's forcing me to own up to all of those destructive behaviors I have in myself. Even if, for some reason, everything goes to hell I'm changed because of this, and I think I'm a stronger person for it.

I think what's going on now is...growing pains. Not in the sense that I'm 'outgrowing' anything, but in the sense that I'm changing fairly quickly and I'm still going through the process of sorting things out. There's all this 'new' that I don't know what to do with, and I need some time to back off and let things settle...or at least work things so that I can integrate everything better.

There's just so much pressure from the 'outside' right now, I can't seem to get a good handle on anything. And I can't really explore any of this with anyone because...the move has become an elephant in the room. It makes people unhappy, and tense. I'm not sure anyone (myself included) is...processing all of this very well.

Maybe I should be more open about all of this, and encourage other people to be more open about it as well. I don't quite know what to say.

Current Mood: hungry
Current Location: my room
Current Music: Knighting Peter - Harry Gregson-Williams (Narnia Soundtrack)

So, with all the pontificating I've forgotten to write about general life things. I'll do that now.

The biggest news first: I talked to Charles about my pay situation last week, and he pretty much gave me the lowdown on it. I tried to be smoother by asking him how he thought I was doing, but he figured out what I was after pretty quickly. I mentioned that I know I'm getting paid less than everyone else, he's acknowledged it and said it was mainly because Don doesn't think I deserve the pay. He told me not to worry, though, he'd take care of it.

Yesterday he told me there'd be good news and bad news. The good news is I got a 50 cent raise, but the bad news is I'd be under the very watchful eye of Don. So, increase in pay, but I've put myself in a precarious position. I'm going to *have* to deliver. The thing is, I think I'm on par with the rest of the Bookshop already; there's not much that I do that other employees aren't getting away with. Since Don thinks I'm so far behind everyone else, though, I'll give him exactly what he wants. Namely, productivity at the expense of being social. It's a passive-aggressive way to handle it, but it's also one that leaves me pretty blameless. The capper is I'm *still* not being paid as much as everyone else, but at least the gap has narrowed by half.

I suppose I'm looking at this the wrong way, but...well, my pride is stung. In time I'll probably come to look at it as an opportunity to improve my work ethic, which could always stand to be improved. This'll make it easier to get a good recommendation from those guys when I'm CA-bound and looking for work, and it should make it easier for me to get raises and better positions and everything when I'm out there. So, good deal.

Writing is coming along very slowly. Mostly, I've been working on Smiley Dan's LiveJournal; he has a new layout scheme and color and everything. I think I'll make the journal itself more personal and private, but written to some audience that Dan can't see. He knows it'll be read at some point, hopes for it, in fact...just doesn't want it to be before the Apocalypse has been resolved and things have gone either way. ;) So, all of the entries will be in-character, and the replies will be OOC discussion. This allows me to be completely frank with Dan's journal and not...violating the laws of secrecy that are the hallmarks of all White Wolf games. ;)

Also trying to work on a little short story thing as part of a trade with

ladyperegrine. I'm trying to think of something that isn't way too cliche but I'm having a lot of trouble. There's also "Salvation" characters to work on and character descriptions and the like (I would like to finally bunnify Jakebe over on FM). It's just...you know, finding time has been a little difficult.

Started doing zazen and yoga again. I really don't understand how I could have let myself fall off meditation for so long; I think that's a big reason why I've been so grumpy and unfocused with people. I'm still kind of short, but there are *other* reasons for that... ;) It really helps with being aware, though, and not having shoulders that feel like they're hunched up around my ears.

I'd like to take time out to say that

daroneasa is an excellent friend and I'm really glad that I know her. *mush*

I think in the past month or so I've gotten fairly intolerant of people I feel are not being very kind to other people. It's always bothered me, this disrespect to others for whatever reason, but lately I've been getting a lot more vocal about it; angry instead of disturbed, more willing to tell someone they're being a putz. I've been trying to back off on just immediately jumping down someone's throat about things, but...I'm more willing to tell someone when I think they're being wrong. I think that's one of the reasons I feel like I've been coming off as such an ass to people in general lately. There's a lot I put up with for a long time that I'm just...less willing to put up with now. I love my friends dearly and to bits, and I know that there are flaws there and everyone has them and that's part of the reason I love them so much. But still...too many people let their flaws and hang-ups hurt other people, and worse, make no effort to change, and worse *still*, try to spin their flaws into strengths or chastise other parties for not taking their flaws in stride. It's not so much that people have flaws, it's that they're completely careless about how they affect other people. Sometimes, "That's just how I am. I accept it, why can't you?" is not adequate justification for being rude or mean to people.

And before anyone thinks this is about them specifically, a disclaimer; it's just...a solidified thought that's culminated from several experience, mostly on-line and some off. This doesn't have to do with any one specific person. We're all cool, OK? :)

Oh! My weight is 153 pounds, and I'd like to get to 150 to be well and truly set. My diet, I think, is just fine, though now that Lent's over I'm really going to have to watch the fast food. It's always easier to watch what you eat *with* someone, and since

bamboofae is going on a diet I think I'll have to eat with her a lot more often. ;) Healthy stuff just rubs off on people, you know.

Tonight, I think I'll watch "Hustle and Flow" after work. Daro, Delphi, V, Crystal...anyone want to come over and watch Terrence Howard be a pimp?

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: my room
Current Music: Pass You By - Gillian Welch

At what point do you stop being a helpful friend and start becoming a busybody?

I don't really want to bring up specifics, but I stepped between two friends earlier this week because I thought it would help. Needless to say, it didn't. I'm trying to pin down exactly what went wrong, what part I had to play in this entire mess. The broad, general mistake is easy to pin down, but looking at all of its individual parts is what's proving difficult.

We'll start simply first. I should not have gotten involved. My intentions were good, but in the end I wrongly presumed I knew what the situation needed and sought to provide it without being absolutely sure that was what either party really wanted. And I think that's where the desire to help definitely goes wrong; when you're so sure that you have what it takes to make things better you force your help onto people who don't necessarily need or want it.

I feel compelled to write an explanation about why I did what I did, but this in no way excuses it. In fact, more than anything it'll show you how mistaken I can be in my thinking. :)

I tend to be a shoulder for a lot of people, and I really relish the role of being a confidant. It makes me feel very good to know that people can trust me with secrets, that I can listen without judgement and offer suggestions they haven't thought about and points of view they haven't considered. I think it's my niche; the unoffensive friend who gently nudges someone into a realization or betterment, or just provides an ear at the right moment for someone to work things out. People need to be completely comfortable with me to let their guard down in this way, and when they do it makes me feel like I've fulfilled my own personal purpose. It builds my Willpower, to borrow a gaming term. ;) Being a confidant is very important to me and it's one of the ways I mark myself as a good friend.

Part of this new proactive stance with regards to fixing situations comes mostly from the knowledge that I'll be leaving this summer and I won't be there to be a shoulder to local friends any more. So, as a final, overly-ambitious project, I'm trying to get people around here to be more open and honest with each other. I'll probably catch a lot of shit for saying this, but people really don't trust each other around here, and I'd really like to see us closer.

There's a reason for NARFA being the way it is, though; a lot of us have history with each other, not all of it pleasant, and that's fine. But I really do think if the local furs here started viewing each other with a bit more empathy (starting with the simple realization that this bundle of annoyances you're talking to is an actual person who just wants the same things as you) then while maybe there wouldn't be a gigantic folk tune concert around a campfire, people could come to a better understanding of each other...and just, you know, be accepting.

I want, I suppose, to leave NARFA in a better place than it is currently. I was one of the founding members, I've been with these guys from day one. I was here when we were actually making a bit of noise regionally, I was here when the Cube idea was brought up and began to be implemented, I've been here through a number of people coming and going. There's nothing inherently wrong with us as we are; we've just settled into the form we have. But there's always room for improvement, and I want to *improve* it before I leave.

I worry about the people here, and how they'll treat each other when I'm gone. I want to be reasonably sure that everyone's going to be OK when I'm not here. I guess, summed up, it all shapes up to a "What will they do without me?" thought that's horrible and presumptuous and egotistical but I'm feeling it just the same. I really don't expect NARFA to fall apart without me, I'm really not *that* important. But I'm not sure.

Perhaps, I realize *now*, through all of this, that I should just trust people to make the right decisions for themselves. And if they don't, be there to help them learn through their mistakes. Truly helping someone doesn't mean shunting your view of how you think things should be onto them. It means making yourself open and available and accepting of whatever comes your way, and being able to offer help whenever it's asked for. NARFA will be OK, and if it's not, then the people *within* NARFA will be OK. And if not, well...I'll do whatever I can to help.

But no more of this "Jakebe saves the day" business. It really doesn't fit.