Organizing the Knapsack
Apr. 20th, 2006 06:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
I think most people who've replied hit the nail on the head. I need to be alone far more often.
I also think it's just...the weirdness that comes with knowing that you're soon to part ways with all of these people you've come to know for the past six years. There's a lot of sadness and worry and apprehension and no one really knows how to express it.
I know I'm worried. What if I don't save enough money in time? What if something goes wrong and I *don't* have a place to stay when I'm ready to move out there? What if I lose my job? What if I can't find one once I'm out there? What if the strain of suddenly *being* together is too much and Tube and I don't work? What if I blow through my savings and everything goes bust?
I'm not sure this is going to work, this move. I want it to, and Tube and I have spent hours on the phone working out ways for it to work. We're both not stupid, or inexperienced; we've done the long-distance-cum-local relationship thing before, we have a fair idea of what to expect and we've made allowances. We're open and honest about what might happen.
Daro brings up a good point in her reply. It's come to my attention that people are concerned about the way things are going down, and some people have offered estimates on how soon things'll go south. I moved from Maryland to Arkansas for the exact same reasons I'm moving to California, and people are worried that this is just a repeat of what happened here during my first two years.
To them I say: do you really think I haven't learned anything since then? That I'm the same person I was back then? I'm not coming into this with any illusions that it's going to be bliss. It's going to be difficult, hell, it IS difficult, but it's something that I have to do.
It isn't just about Tube, though he's the biggest reason and the ultimate catalyst. It's about taking the risk to improve yourself, it's about stepping away from the familiar and safe for what you believe in, it's about confronting failure, not avoiding it. We all do these things in our own ways. This move is mine.
I know moving is the right thing to do because I'm so scared. It's not that I need to do any little thing that scares me (don't try to argue against this point by taking it to an illogical extreme), but it's been a very long time since I've challenged myself to this degree. It's forcing me to be smarter with money, it's forcing me to be more assertive, it's forcing me to own up to all of those destructive behaviors I have in myself. Even if, for some reason, everything goes to hell I'm changed because of this, and I think I'm a stronger person for it.
I think what's going on now is...growing pains. Not in the sense that I'm 'outgrowing' anything, but in the sense that I'm changing fairly quickly and I'm still going through the process of sorting things out. There's all this 'new' that I don't know what to do with, and I need some time to back off and let things settle...or at least work things so that I can integrate everything better.
There's just so much pressure from the 'outside' right now, I can't seem to get a good handle on anything. And I can't really explore any of this with anyone because...the move has become an elephant in the room. It makes people unhappy, and tense. I'm not sure anyone (myself included) is...processing all of this very well.
Maybe I should be more open about all of this, and encourage other people to be more open about it as well. I don't quite know what to say.
I also think it's just...the weirdness that comes with knowing that you're soon to part ways with all of these people you've come to know for the past six years. There's a lot of sadness and worry and apprehension and no one really knows how to express it.
I know I'm worried. What if I don't save enough money in time? What if something goes wrong and I *don't* have a place to stay when I'm ready to move out there? What if I lose my job? What if I can't find one once I'm out there? What if the strain of suddenly *being* together is too much and Tube and I don't work? What if I blow through my savings and everything goes bust?
I'm not sure this is going to work, this move. I want it to, and Tube and I have spent hours on the phone working out ways for it to work. We're both not stupid, or inexperienced; we've done the long-distance-cum-local relationship thing before, we have a fair idea of what to expect and we've made allowances. We're open and honest about what might happen.
Daro brings up a good point in her reply. It's come to my attention that people are concerned about the way things are going down, and some people have offered estimates on how soon things'll go south. I moved from Maryland to Arkansas for the exact same reasons I'm moving to California, and people are worried that this is just a repeat of what happened here during my first two years.
To them I say: do you really think I haven't learned anything since then? That I'm the same person I was back then? I'm not coming into this with any illusions that it's going to be bliss. It's going to be difficult, hell, it IS difficult, but it's something that I have to do.
It isn't just about Tube, though he's the biggest reason and the ultimate catalyst. It's about taking the risk to improve yourself, it's about stepping away from the familiar and safe for what you believe in, it's about confronting failure, not avoiding it. We all do these things in our own ways. This move is mine.
I know moving is the right thing to do because I'm so scared. It's not that I need to do any little thing that scares me (don't try to argue against this point by taking it to an illogical extreme), but it's been a very long time since I've challenged myself to this degree. It's forcing me to be smarter with money, it's forcing me to be more assertive, it's forcing me to own up to all of those destructive behaviors I have in myself. Even if, for some reason, everything goes to hell I'm changed because of this, and I think I'm a stronger person for it.
I think what's going on now is...growing pains. Not in the sense that I'm 'outgrowing' anything, but in the sense that I'm changing fairly quickly and I'm still going through the process of sorting things out. There's all this 'new' that I don't know what to do with, and I need some time to back off and let things settle...or at least work things so that I can integrate everything better.
There's just so much pressure from the 'outside' right now, I can't seem to get a good handle on anything. And I can't really explore any of this with anyone because...the move has become an elephant in the room. It makes people unhappy, and tense. I'm not sure anyone (myself included) is...processing all of this very well.
Maybe I should be more open about all of this, and encourage other people to be more open about it as well. I don't quite know what to say.
