The Writing Desk of Jakebe Rabbit

I've been thinking a lot recently about forgiveness and our ability to accept the faults of our fellow man. With Dead Man Walking and a few other things, I've become enamored all over again with the concept of unconditional love, of ultimate acceptance of the foibles inherent within us. Part of what makes us human is our flaws, right? Being unable to take the mistakes of other people ultimately separates us from our fellow man, and that's something we're simply not wired to do. Humans are incredibly social creatures in every sense. We're built to form tribes.

I believe that Buddhism encourages to take this to a useful extreme. Instead of encouraging us to pay attention to our own tribe (other Buddhists, our family, furries) at the expense of every other one, we're taught that everyone we meet really belongs to one big tribe and we should treat them as such. Even when they're behaving in a way that clearly indicates we're an "other" to them, we treat them as a brother, with unconditional love, because that's the truth. A slap in the face is an action caused by a delusion, and we don't react as if what that person thinks of the truth is true. Then, we would be buying into the delusion. We would be caught in the same trap.

That's a very difficult thing to take to heart, make no mistake. I'm committed to that ideal, though. I've been thinking of the people I've written off in the past, revisiting who these people are and trying to make my peace with them. They are all my brothers and sisters, after all, no matter how much they drive me batshit insane. You can't pick your family. ;)

There's another danger with taking that stance, though -- the other side of the road you need to avoid if you hope to hit the Middle Way. It's quite possible to become too accommodating, so that you end up allowing wrong behavior in the name of keeping the peace for your tribe. At least, I do, and along with this re-awakened sense of compassion I would like to also develop a stronger sense of my convictions.

I really do hate conflict. It takes an awful lot to get me to confront someone on behavior I don't like, and even then I try to find a way out of the argument as soon as possible. Getting into a debate is exhausting work, and the worst part is the best outcome you can hope for is browbeating someone to your side. By the time you've "won" an argument, your opponent is diminished, lessened, and they're much more likely to have taken away the lesson that they're not supposed to argue with you than anything that's actually useful. Screaming matches are empty expressions of anger that does no one any good. It separates you from someone you arguably care enough about to get into a fight with. There's got to be a better way to stick to your guns without causing that rift, right?

I'm personally much more likely to retreat and sulk when I feel slighted. Sometimes I'll tell myself that it's because I want to keep the peace, or it's simply not worth it to confront someone, but honestly it's because it's easier to keep hurt feelings or disapproval to myself and let it vent where it's unlikely to do any damage. The only thing is it does damage that's more indirect. It allows me to nurse grudges, harden my bad opinion of someone, and (worst of all) encourages other people to do the same. Talking shit about someone while they're not there is something we all do, but it's perhaps one of the biggest things you can do to strengthen 'your' tribe while severing your connection to another. It's antithetical to Buddhist teaching -- the target of your gossip is your brother, same as the person you're gossiping with.

Ugh, anyway, not trying to get all high and mighty here; just thinking aloud about my habits and where potential traps are lying. Part of forgiveness, compassion and the idea of this 'universal tribe' to me is being open -- I should be able to express points where I've taken a stand or come into conflict, but with the intention of removing a block that separates me from someone else. What I *have* been doing -- avoiding conflict and sniping the behavior of others -- doesn't help me do that.

What I'm trying to say here is that open acceptance does not equate to rolling over or giving up what you believe in to go along with the crowd. Doing that just breeds resentment and makes the conflict indirect and hidden; you end up 'venting' instead of seeing the issue for what it is and dealing with it as it needs to be dealt with. It's ultimately difficult because, in the interest of smoother relations later, it forces you to step up sometimes and say unequivocably, "This is not OK, but I hope we can get to a point where it is."

And if someone is not willing to help you do that, well...that still doesn't change what you do. You still love them, accept them, and treat them as a member of your tribe. It doesn't mean you condone the behavior. It doesn't mean you accept the wrong. It simply means that you're ready to remove the distance between you when they are. And that's a difficult thing to do.

It's my belief that all people are worthy of this respect, consideration and love. Even when they've done terrible, monstrous things, they're still people. Retreating from them, considering them monsters, hating them for what they've done won't help them see the pain they've caused themselves and others. It just further alienates them, and makes them feel justified for their actions. If you shun someone, it's easy for them to identify as a martyr. If you bring them close, it's much harder for them to be alone.

To all the people I've wronged, I'm sorry, and I hope that you can come to me so we can discuss the problem openly. To all the people I've felt wronged by, I'm still working to forgive you, and I probably won't come to you to stir up old grudges. You've likely moved on by now, and I think it's time I've done the same.

shiningriver has the most perfect words of wisdom for Earth Day ever, written by my favorite beat, Gary Snyder. :)

Go and listen to the wisdom of Smokey the Bear.

If there is anything I will remember 2010 for, it will be as the year I became comfortable with myself. I am thoughtful, playful, self-absorbed, frightened, and insecure. I’m OK with that. This year I’ve learned to accept who I am and all of my flaws, and how to navigate that confidence with the need to change. Accepting yourself, of course, doesn’t mean your work is done, or there’s no need to get better. It just provides an excellent foundation for you to do so.

A lot of people had a really rough year, and I almost feel guilty saying that this was the first year that I felt optimistic about the way things are going. To be sure, we live in uncertain -- even scary -- times, and I’m not ignoring all the people who’ve lost their jobs this year, are having trouble finding new ones, or have all kinds of other things going on that are wearing them down. Don’t get me wrong; I know it’s hard. But I think working through this hardship is just one way of making us better people, of reminding us of what’s important and the impermanence of everything. I feel like the current recession has shifted the national consciousness a little bit. We’re not as concerned about bigger and better as we used to be; we’re concerned about having enough, about making things that last, about quality over quantity. If there’s one good thing about this year, it’s that we’re all a lot more mindful about excess, and we’ve been forced to pull back from it.

Which means, for me, that I realize more and more to separate the impulse of gaining something from the act of pursuing it. For example, when the thought of getting a candy bar comes up, it does NOT mean I immediately have to go out and get a candy bar. I’d been operating under this semi-mindless behavior for a while now, and I still wrestle with it every day to be honest. But there are so many other things to consider: the dollar I’d use to buy this candy could get me a little closer to buying a car, or paying for my visit to the dentist. It could buy a better shirt, or shoes, or help me with the vanity project of having my braids done. Besides that, eating candy whenever I feel like it is probably going to give me diabetes some day (it runs in my family), and it’s definitely not helping my waistline now. Sure, candy scratches the itch that arises in me, but that’s only a temporary state. The itch will return, and another dollar will be spent. And another, and another. Eventually, I’ve got no money for any of the dozen other things I want to do and I’m in desperate need of new jeans that don’t cut into my belly. Sometimes, it’s good to just sit with the itch for a while, feel the urge arise, continue, and fade. Hunger has gone from the trigger of an automatic process (hunger --> buying food --> eating food) to a reminder to consider what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I can ask myself “Is it OK to be hungry right now?” The answer is often “Yeah.”

I know that my situation isn’t as dire as most people; the example above proves that. For too many people hunger isn’t something that comes around every so often, a curiosity that you can explore and use to call you back to yourself. It’s a constant weight, a reminder of what is lacking. I realize that I’m doing a typically American Buddhist thing -- using first-world problems as a gateway into practice. It’s interesting because there’s an argument to be made that this view is only another delusion, and that we’re blanketed from reality by our own relative affluence. It’s easy to be mindful of hunger when we can make a choice at any time to stop it, but what about those people who don’t have that luxury? What can mindfulness do for them? How can they practice?

To be honest, I don’t know. Which brings me to my next point. I’ve become comfortable with who I am, but at the same time I realize that self-absorption is only so useful. I call myself self-absorbed because it’s my natural inclination to see the world through the way it affects me. I have a very strong ego that way! I can try to put myself in another’s place, to see another aspect of our shared experience, but it’s not automatic, and sometimes it’s not even something that occurs to me. With hunger, I can watch it rise, study it, and let it fall away. I’d like to be able to do the same thing with my sense of self; now that I feel comfortable with it, it’s time to let it fall way for now. It’s time to try and engage with the world as it is.

There is so much going on outside of my head! Every person you meet is a world unto themselves, a walking biosphere of processes, thoughts, dreams and stories that you only see a tiny fraction of in the time you meet them. There are seven billion different versions of “The Truman Show” going on at any one time, all the time, everywhere. It’s difficult to wrap my brain around the concept, but that’s the reality. It helps to remember that.

I would like for 2011 to be the year that my narrative becomes more entangled with others, where I can take a back seat in the interest of the other people’s betterment. I can’t guarantee that I’m going to remember this goal at all times, or that I’ll live up to this theme always, but that’s all right. Perfection isn’t what I’m after here. The effort is.

Of course, I have more ideas about resolutions and such, but that’ll have to wait for a little while. The next few days are going to be a whirlwind of activity, and I want to make sure I nail down my resolutions and have started working on them before I start talking about them in earnest.

Anyway, I hope everyone out there had an immensely happy set of holidays, and that your New Year is bright with promise and potential. I’ll see you guys on the other side!

Time: 35 minutes
Distance: 3.15 miles
Speed: 6.3 mph
Calories: 322

I do believe this is a new record for me; my goal of steadily working up to 4 miles a session is progressing nicely. :D Today I did the usual five-minute warm-up, then ran at 5.5 for five minutes, worked up to 6.0 for 18 minutes, then back down to 5.5 for 5 minutes followed by a two-minute cool down. The walking belt on the treadmill is ancient, though, so it doesn't actually get to 6.0 until you set it to 6.3, and then steadily ramps up past it once you get really moving. For most of the workout I was cruising along at 6.1/6.2, with occasional bursts to top super-speed!

Does anyone actually read these exercise reports? ;)

I could have gone for longer; I added the soundtracks to Hairspray and "Once More With Feeling," and cruised for most of that. Alas, my old nemesis chafing reared its ugly head. Hopefully I will be good for Friday.

Anyway, I am very grateful for Buddhism. It sounds like a copout, but it's true. It's hard to imagine what I would be like without the discovery of Zen, though something tells me I might have wandered that way anyway without giving it a name. Zen has taught me discipline, focus, the fine art of balance and how to properly mix the divine with the vulgar. Everything is sacred. Nothing is sacred.

Now, it's off to watch stuff.

Thanks to a couple of throwaway comments the blue fox made to me this morning, I've been learning about all sorts of interesting linguistic stuffs. Like the accusative case. Apparently we don't have one of these in English any more. We've also lost the dative case, though it survives tenaciously in a few dark corners of the language.

"Methinks," for example, which basically means "it seems to me." "Me" is the dative form of "I," while "think" is a sort of cousin of "seem" in old English. That's...damned cool. It makes me want to use the word as an indirect "Save the Dative Case!" rally, but I don't think I could get away with it without sounding like a complete and utter yutz.

Work is mostly fine, though there are a few causes for worry and/or frustration. Perhaps it's because I've applied (and interviewed!) somewhere else, and I've been waiting for an answer about that all week, but this week in particular has been very difficult to get through. The acres of cookbooks and the crush of personnel and operations changes might have something to do with that, though.

Writing has stalled yet again, and I've been trying to find ways to get it going again. There are things that are definitely killing momentum, and a great deal of them are directly my fault. Time, alas, doesn't quite permit me to go into what they are, but...I need to have a stronger willpower than I do, let's say.

I'm trying continually to be more present. Part of this is training for my prospective job, which requires a professional and courteous demeanor at all times. It's forced me to pay attention to how I interact with customers at Bookbuyers, especially in the afternoons and evenings, when I'm more likely to be tired and a bit less careful. Attempting to be perpetually present is also *really* helpful when I'm taking on new projects; actively willing myself to shed the mental baggage of a particularly trying job (like, say, packing about two hundred cookbooks onto an already full shelf) makes each new job easier to deal with. Even if it's essentially the same thing (putting too many new books in an already full space), it feels like I'm coming at it for the first time. Which makes it easier to focus on, say, getting the job done. It makes a difficult day significantly better.

Still, I'm being a horrid Buddhist in all sorts of ways. I can't seem to get around to meditating every day, even for five and ten minutes. When I remember, I try to make walking to and from bus stops a sort of kinhin, but just sitting is something I always have trouble with. Again, the willpower comes in. I just don't have it. And I don't think I've stumbled upon a successful way of acquiring it. I don't want help with it, because...well, I should be responsible for my own improvement, right? It's kind of cheating relying on others to force me into being a better person. I'm starting to think about 'solidifying' my practice in some way, either by joining a sangha or taking the precepts personally (which would mean...well, nothing, but being more mindful), or...something.

Now, work.

I really do like helping people, which is why I jump at the chance to offer unsolicited advice. I may have stuck my nose in too far this time, though.

I'm a very big fan of empathy. It comes easily to me. I get frustrated by people who seem to actively resist trying it out as a way to understand people. What is empathy, anyway? Well, without trying to be too esoteric or vague, I would say it's the ability to step outside yourself and, using the context of another person's experience, imagine how they've arrived at a certain position...and I do think every line to every decision can be traced logically and emotionally.

Dictionary.com defines it as "Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives." Not too far off the mark.

Just because you can identify with and/or understand someone else's situation, it doesn't mean you have to agree with them. Still, understanding someone else is *very* important. In order to understand, though, I think you have to loosen your grip on reality as you see it. Most people, especially in arguments, stake out a claim on a position and staunchly defend it, rooting themselves deeper and deeper into what they believe is right. Empathy requires that you leave the flag unguarded, travel in 'enemy territory' for a bit, and get to know the lay of the land. Maybe from that viewpoint you will see how they could come to disagree with your position. And, if you still think you're right, you have a better idea of how to express that to them, in terms and ideas they'll understand.

People are *so* resistant to this idea. Maybe it's just habit; we're taught that being right is more important than being good, in schools and churches and families. One of the reasons I hate debating is the knowledge that many of the people who engage in it with you aren't wanting to test and strengthen ideas, or even to understand yours, but only want a chance to prove their rightness to other people. I have very little patience for people who seek to be right at the exclusion of everything else -- understanding, connection, sympathy. You want to be right? OK, but you're going to be right by yourself.

Give up the stranglehold on 'right' and 'wrong'. More often than not, those are just illusions we cook up to keep us from really understanding people. Yeah, sometimes there are absolutes. Sometimes things really are that simple: one thing is right, another thing is wrong. Murder is wrong, obviously. Environmental destruction is wrong. Boy bands are wrong. But even those generally wrong things might have instances where they're the 'correct' thing to do. It's all relative.

Most of the time, though, there are only viewpoints. An opinion doesn't have to come with the baggage of right and wrong. Opinions can be flawed, surely, but empathy helps us see not only the flaws in an argument and how they came to be, but why they came to be in the first place. Once that understanding is reached, then work can begin on dragging those out in the open and fixing them.

It's not always easy, or fun, but it's always worth it. Anything worthwhile is going to take a little bit of effort.

I could be wrong about this, but I really don't think so. Anyone disagree with this New Age hippie Buddhist claptrap?

Every once in a while, I come to a realization. It's pretty much the same realization over and over again, but most of the time I think it's worth forgetting just so I can have the pleasure of remembering it again.

I will never have the life that almost everyone around me seems to be striving for. The kind with lots of money, the latest computer gear, recognition, fame and adoration. Unless it just happens somehow, I'll never be rich, and I won't be particularly famous for anything I've done. I won't have the admiration and high-esteem of tons of people, and my award-winning days are over. My personality doesn't lend itself to the making (and keeping) of many friends. With the exception of people I can count on two hands, I won't be remembered by folks when I die. By all accounts, I *should* be considered a failure.

"Failure" feels really good to me. :)

I don't have a lot, but I have enough. Most importantly, I love what I have. And despite billboards and magazines and television telling me otherwise, I don't really need to have any more. I'm fine as I am.

Still, there are things I'd like to do: become a better writer, learn to actually *tell* stories, eat better, lose weight, be more thoughtful, learn a foreign language, cook for myself more, plant a garden, learn to be self-sufficient, learn all sorts of mythologies, travel to Australia, own a rabbit, think more clearly, study philosophy, write critical essays...the list goes on. I may be content with myself, but only if I keep moving.

"We're all fine exactly the way we are...and we could all use a lot of work." -Dogen

That being said, everyone who's going have fun at AnthroCon! Kiss Peter Laird for me. ;)