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The Hard Work of Conflict and Forgiveness
Nov. 29th, 2011 01:03 pmI've been thinking a lot recently about forgiveness and our ability to accept the faults of our fellow man. With Dead Man Walking and a few other things, I've become enamored all over again with the concept of unconditional love, of ultimate acceptance of the foibles inherent within us. Part of what makes us human is our flaws, right? Being unable to take the mistakes of other people ultimately separates us from our fellow man, and that's something we're simply not wired to do. Humans are incredibly social creatures in every sense. We're built to form tribes.
I believe that Buddhism encourages to take this to a useful extreme. Instead of encouraging us to pay attention to our own tribe (other Buddhists, our family, furries) at the expense of every other one, we're taught that everyone we meet really belongs to one big tribe and we should treat them as such. Even when they're behaving in a way that clearly indicates we're an "other" to them, we treat them as a brother, with unconditional love, because that's the truth. A slap in the face is an action caused by a delusion, and we don't react as if what that person thinks of the truth is true. Then, we would be buying into the delusion. We would be caught in the same trap.
That's a very difficult thing to take to heart, make no mistake. I'm committed to that ideal, though. I've been thinking of the people I've written off in the past, revisiting who these people are and trying to make my peace with them. They are all my brothers and sisters, after all, no matter how much they drive me batshit insane. You can't pick your family. ;)
There's another danger with taking that stance, though -- the other side of the road you need to avoid if you hope to hit the Middle Way. It's quite possible to become too accommodating, so that you end up allowing wrong behavior in the name of keeping the peace for your tribe. At least, I do, and along with this re-awakened sense of compassion I would like to also develop a stronger sense of my convictions.
I really do hate conflict. It takes an awful lot to get me to confront someone on behavior I don't like, and even then I try to find a way out of the argument as soon as possible. Getting into a debate is exhausting work, and the worst part is the best outcome you can hope for is browbeating someone to your side. By the time you've "won" an argument, your opponent is diminished, lessened, and they're much more likely to have taken away the lesson that they're not supposed to argue with you than anything that's actually useful. Screaming matches are empty expressions of anger that does no one any good. It separates you from someone you arguably care enough about to get into a fight with. There's got to be a better way to stick to your guns without causing that rift, right?
I'm personally much more likely to retreat and sulk when I feel slighted. Sometimes I'll tell myself that it's because I want to keep the peace, or it's simply not worth it to confront someone, but honestly it's because it's easier to keep hurt feelings or disapproval to myself and let it vent where it's unlikely to do any damage. The only thing is it does damage that's more indirect. It allows me to nurse grudges, harden my bad opinion of someone, and (worst of all) encourages other people to do the same. Talking shit about someone while they're not there is something we all do, but it's perhaps one of the biggest things you can do to strengthen 'your' tribe while severing your connection to another. It's antithetical to Buddhist teaching -- the target of your gossip is your brother, same as the person you're gossiping with.
Ugh, anyway, not trying to get all high and mighty here; just thinking aloud about my habits and where potential traps are lying. Part of forgiveness, compassion and the idea of this 'universal tribe' to me is being open -- I should be able to express points where I've taken a stand or come into conflict, but with the intention of removing a block that separates me from someone else. What I *have* been doing -- avoiding conflict and sniping the behavior of others -- doesn't help me do that.
What I'm trying to say here is that open acceptance does not equate to rolling over or giving up what you believe in to go along with the crowd. Doing that just breeds resentment and makes the conflict indirect and hidden; you end up 'venting' instead of seeing the issue for what it is and dealing with it as it needs to be dealt with. It's ultimately difficult because, in the interest of smoother relations later, it forces you to step up sometimes and say unequivocably, "This is not OK, but I hope we can get to a point where it is."
And if someone is not willing to help you do that, well...that still doesn't change what you do. You still love them, accept them, and treat them as a member of your tribe. It doesn't mean you condone the behavior. It doesn't mean you accept the wrong. It simply means that you're ready to remove the distance between you when they are. And that's a difficult thing to do.
It's my belief that all people are worthy of this respect, consideration and love. Even when they've done terrible, monstrous things, they're still people. Retreating from them, considering them monsters, hating them for what they've done won't help them see the pain they've caused themselves and others. It just further alienates them, and makes them feel justified for their actions. If you shun someone, it's easy for them to identify as a martyr. If you bring them close, it's much harder for them to be alone.
To all the people I've wronged, I'm sorry, and I hope that you can come to me so we can discuss the problem openly. To all the people I've felt wronged by, I'm still working to forgive you, and I probably won't come to you to stir up old grudges. You've likely moved on by now, and I think it's time I've done the same.
I believe that Buddhism encourages to take this to a useful extreme. Instead of encouraging us to pay attention to our own tribe (other Buddhists, our family, furries) at the expense of every other one, we're taught that everyone we meet really belongs to one big tribe and we should treat them as such. Even when they're behaving in a way that clearly indicates we're an "other" to them, we treat them as a brother, with unconditional love, because that's the truth. A slap in the face is an action caused by a delusion, and we don't react as if what that person thinks of the truth is true. Then, we would be buying into the delusion. We would be caught in the same trap.
That's a very difficult thing to take to heart, make no mistake. I'm committed to that ideal, though. I've been thinking of the people I've written off in the past, revisiting who these people are and trying to make my peace with them. They are all my brothers and sisters, after all, no matter how much they drive me batshit insane. You can't pick your family. ;)
There's another danger with taking that stance, though -- the other side of the road you need to avoid if you hope to hit the Middle Way. It's quite possible to become too accommodating, so that you end up allowing wrong behavior in the name of keeping the peace for your tribe. At least, I do, and along with this re-awakened sense of compassion I would like to also develop a stronger sense of my convictions.
I really do hate conflict. It takes an awful lot to get me to confront someone on behavior I don't like, and even then I try to find a way out of the argument as soon as possible. Getting into a debate is exhausting work, and the worst part is the best outcome you can hope for is browbeating someone to your side. By the time you've "won" an argument, your opponent is diminished, lessened, and they're much more likely to have taken away the lesson that they're not supposed to argue with you than anything that's actually useful. Screaming matches are empty expressions of anger that does no one any good. It separates you from someone you arguably care enough about to get into a fight with. There's got to be a better way to stick to your guns without causing that rift, right?
I'm personally much more likely to retreat and sulk when I feel slighted. Sometimes I'll tell myself that it's because I want to keep the peace, or it's simply not worth it to confront someone, but honestly it's because it's easier to keep hurt feelings or disapproval to myself and let it vent where it's unlikely to do any damage. The only thing is it does damage that's more indirect. It allows me to nurse grudges, harden my bad opinion of someone, and (worst of all) encourages other people to do the same. Talking shit about someone while they're not there is something we all do, but it's perhaps one of the biggest things you can do to strengthen 'your' tribe while severing your connection to another. It's antithetical to Buddhist teaching -- the target of your gossip is your brother, same as the person you're gossiping with.
Ugh, anyway, not trying to get all high and mighty here; just thinking aloud about my habits and where potential traps are lying. Part of forgiveness, compassion and the idea of this 'universal tribe' to me is being open -- I should be able to express points where I've taken a stand or come into conflict, but with the intention of removing a block that separates me from someone else. What I *have* been doing -- avoiding conflict and sniping the behavior of others -- doesn't help me do that.
What I'm trying to say here is that open acceptance does not equate to rolling over or giving up what you believe in to go along with the crowd. Doing that just breeds resentment and makes the conflict indirect and hidden; you end up 'venting' instead of seeing the issue for what it is and dealing with it as it needs to be dealt with. It's ultimately difficult because, in the interest of smoother relations later, it forces you to step up sometimes and say unequivocably, "This is not OK, but I hope we can get to a point where it is."
And if someone is not willing to help you do that, well...that still doesn't change what you do. You still love them, accept them, and treat them as a member of your tribe. It doesn't mean you condone the behavior. It doesn't mean you accept the wrong. It simply means that you're ready to remove the distance between you when they are. And that's a difficult thing to do.
It's my belief that all people are worthy of this respect, consideration and love. Even when they've done terrible, monstrous things, they're still people. Retreating from them, considering them monsters, hating them for what they've done won't help them see the pain they've caused themselves and others. It just further alienates them, and makes them feel justified for their actions. If you shun someone, it's easy for them to identify as a martyr. If you bring them close, it's much harder for them to be alone.
To all the people I've wronged, I'm sorry, and I hope that you can come to me so we can discuss the problem openly. To all the people I've felt wronged by, I'm still working to forgive you, and I probably won't come to you to stir up old grudges. You've likely moved on by now, and I think it's time I've done the same.
