Nothing Else Compares
Apr. 11th, 2006 08:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
I really do like helping people, which is why I jump at the chance to offer unsolicited advice. I may have stuck my nose in too far this time, though.
I'm a very big fan of empathy. It comes easily to me. I get frustrated by people who seem to actively resist trying it out as a way to understand people. What is empathy, anyway? Well, without trying to be too esoteric or vague, I would say it's the ability to step outside yourself and, using the context of another person's experience, imagine how they've arrived at a certain position...and I do think every line to every decision can be traced logically and emotionally.
Dictionary.com defines it as "Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives." Not too far off the mark.
Just because you can identify with and/or understand someone else's situation, it doesn't mean you have to agree with them. Still, understanding someone else is *very* important. In order to understand, though, I think you have to loosen your grip on reality as you see it. Most people, especially in arguments, stake out a claim on a position and staunchly defend it, rooting themselves deeper and deeper into what they believe is right. Empathy requires that you leave the flag unguarded, travel in 'enemy territory' for a bit, and get to know the lay of the land. Maybe from that viewpoint you will see how they could come to disagree with your position. And, if you still think you're right, you have a better idea of how to express that to them, in terms and ideas they'll understand.
People are *so* resistant to this idea. Maybe it's just habit; we're taught that being right is more important than being good, in schools and churches and families. One of the reasons I hate debating is the knowledge that many of the people who engage in it with you aren't wanting to test and strengthen ideas, or even to understand yours, but only want a chance to prove their rightness to other people. I have very little patience for people who seek to be right at the exclusion of everything else -- understanding, connection, sympathy. You want to be right? OK, but you're going to be right by yourself.
Give up the stranglehold on 'right' and 'wrong'. More often than not, those are just illusions we cook up to keep us from really understanding people. Yeah, sometimes there are absolutes. Sometimes things really are that simple: one thing is right, another thing is wrong. Murder is wrong, obviously. Environmental destruction is wrong. Boy bands are wrong. But even those generally wrong things might have instances where they're the 'correct' thing to do. It's all relative.
Most of the time, though, there are only viewpoints. An opinion doesn't have to come with the baggage of right and wrong. Opinions can be flawed, surely, but empathy helps us see not only the flaws in an argument and how they came to be, but why they came to be in the first place. Once that understanding is reached, then work can begin on dragging those out in the open and fixing them.
It's not always easy, or fun, but it's always worth it. Anything worthwhile is going to take a little bit of effort.
I could be wrong about this, but I really don't think so. Anyone disagree with this New Age hippie Buddhist claptrap?
I'm a very big fan of empathy. It comes easily to me. I get frustrated by people who seem to actively resist trying it out as a way to understand people. What is empathy, anyway? Well, without trying to be too esoteric or vague, I would say it's the ability to step outside yourself and, using the context of another person's experience, imagine how they've arrived at a certain position...and I do think every line to every decision can be traced logically and emotionally.
Dictionary.com defines it as "Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives." Not too far off the mark.
Just because you can identify with and/or understand someone else's situation, it doesn't mean you have to agree with them. Still, understanding someone else is *very* important. In order to understand, though, I think you have to loosen your grip on reality as you see it. Most people, especially in arguments, stake out a claim on a position and staunchly defend it, rooting themselves deeper and deeper into what they believe is right. Empathy requires that you leave the flag unguarded, travel in 'enemy territory' for a bit, and get to know the lay of the land. Maybe from that viewpoint you will see how they could come to disagree with your position. And, if you still think you're right, you have a better idea of how to express that to them, in terms and ideas they'll understand.
People are *so* resistant to this idea. Maybe it's just habit; we're taught that being right is more important than being good, in schools and churches and families. One of the reasons I hate debating is the knowledge that many of the people who engage in it with you aren't wanting to test and strengthen ideas, or even to understand yours, but only want a chance to prove their rightness to other people. I have very little patience for people who seek to be right at the exclusion of everything else -- understanding, connection, sympathy. You want to be right? OK, but you're going to be right by yourself.
Give up the stranglehold on 'right' and 'wrong'. More often than not, those are just illusions we cook up to keep us from really understanding people. Yeah, sometimes there are absolutes. Sometimes things really are that simple: one thing is right, another thing is wrong. Murder is wrong, obviously. Environmental destruction is wrong. Boy bands are wrong. But even those generally wrong things might have instances where they're the 'correct' thing to do. It's all relative.
Most of the time, though, there are only viewpoints. An opinion doesn't have to come with the baggage of right and wrong. Opinions can be flawed, surely, but empathy helps us see not only the flaws in an argument and how they came to be, but why they came to be in the first place. Once that understanding is reached, then work can begin on dragging those out in the open and fixing them.
It's not always easy, or fun, but it's always worth it. Anything worthwhile is going to take a little bit of effort.
I could be wrong about this, but I really don't think so. Anyone disagree with this New Age hippie Buddhist claptrap?
