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Love Is Watching Someone Die
May. 16th, 2006 08:45 am
One of the things that I really need to do is stop being so negative. It doesn't help me, it doesn't really help anyone around me, it gets me into this rut of ill will that's difficult to get out of. It colors how I see the world, my friends, takes me out of the moment into this cynical play-by-play of whatever's going on. It keeps me from enjoying almost anything.
Truly positive thinking isn't ignoring the bad parts of your life or being critical of things that need to change. I think positive thinking is recognizing those bad parts as either necessary to truly highlight what *is* good, or believing bad situations *can* change for the better. That even if people disappoint you, rarely is it because they're hopelessly, irrevocably bad..that most of the time they're just doing the best they can to live, same as you. Very few people are assholes just to be assholes, even if they make the claim to the contrary. People are good until they're proven otherwise.
I keep shifting back and forth in this pendulum, between everyone is awesome and a treasure, and exactly the way they should be. But then the ugly head of my idealist nature comes out, and tempers it with disappointment that worsens into a lack of faith, and from there it just goes to hopelessness. There's nothing I can do, and besides even if I could I don't have the right to do anything, these people don't listen to me, don't care, who am I kidding that I can influence anything?
And that's where I am right now, but the pendulum is swinging back. People are messy and horrible and selfish and completely unempathetic, but I love them anyway. :) I don't think I can find acceptance for a certain kind of person nearly as easily as I could before, which is troubling; people who lack the ability to understand and connect with other people are disturbingly common these days, and it's probably because society doesn't approve a sense of community like it used to. Connection isn't desirable, in fact...any one you might say hi to, see in an airport, a coffeshop, your next-door neighbor...they could be a rapist, a pedophile, a terrorist, a gang member, a drug user, a misanthrope, a chauvinist, a racist, any number of nightmare scenarios. We take a look at people from our windows and say "He's too fat and disgusting," or "Look at the way he runs to that car with the thumping bass, he must be buying drugs," or "Look at that little girl in bare feet and WalMart clothes, she's probably going out to get knocked up." or "That woman just sits on her couch all day and locks her children out so she can watch The View." Even if it's true, these are all people who are...flawed, and those flaws are visible and it consumes them right now. Underneath all that shit, though, there's a good person. It's just a matter of getting to.
Perhaps there's nothing harder than recognizing the good person in a friend or confidant who has disappointed you. But if you can't trust your friends, who can you trust? There's got to be a healthier mix than the one I've been operating on, right? We'll just have to find it.
Truly positive thinking isn't ignoring the bad parts of your life or being critical of things that need to change. I think positive thinking is recognizing those bad parts as either necessary to truly highlight what *is* good, or believing bad situations *can* change for the better. That even if people disappoint you, rarely is it because they're hopelessly, irrevocably bad..that most of the time they're just doing the best they can to live, same as you. Very few people are assholes just to be assholes, even if they make the claim to the contrary. People are good until they're proven otherwise.
I keep shifting back and forth in this pendulum, between everyone is awesome and a treasure, and exactly the way they should be. But then the ugly head of my idealist nature comes out, and tempers it with disappointment that worsens into a lack of faith, and from there it just goes to hopelessness. There's nothing I can do, and besides even if I could I don't have the right to do anything, these people don't listen to me, don't care, who am I kidding that I can influence anything?
And that's where I am right now, but the pendulum is swinging back. People are messy and horrible and selfish and completely unempathetic, but I love them anyway. :) I don't think I can find acceptance for a certain kind of person nearly as easily as I could before, which is troubling; people who lack the ability to understand and connect with other people are disturbingly common these days, and it's probably because society doesn't approve a sense of community like it used to. Connection isn't desirable, in fact...any one you might say hi to, see in an airport, a coffeshop, your next-door neighbor...they could be a rapist, a pedophile, a terrorist, a gang member, a drug user, a misanthrope, a chauvinist, a racist, any number of nightmare scenarios. We take a look at people from our windows and say "He's too fat and disgusting," or "Look at the way he runs to that car with the thumping bass, he must be buying drugs," or "Look at that little girl in bare feet and WalMart clothes, she's probably going out to get knocked up." or "That woman just sits on her couch all day and locks her children out so she can watch The View." Even if it's true, these are all people who are...flawed, and those flaws are visible and it consumes them right now. Underneath all that shit, though, there's a good person. It's just a matter of getting to.
Perhaps there's nothing harder than recognizing the good person in a friend or confidant who has disappointed you. But if you can't trust your friends, who can you trust? There's got to be a healthier mix than the one I've been operating on, right? We'll just have to find it.
