Scott I Love You *die*

( No wait, I'm back! What, you didn't wait for me? I'm gonna kick yo shit! )

Something more substantial to follow.

The Fluff

There are a lot of things I really need to get my head on straight about.

Haven't been the very best about controlling money flow, and with the move being as dangerously close as it is that straight up needs to end. I think that even if I play it mildly smart I'll be just fine...I think the main expense is going to be the move itself and I'm almost positive I'll have *some* kind of job within 30 days of being on the Left Coast, but I would still like to keep at least $500 in the bank even after I'm all settled in and managing to pay any and all bills in a timely fashion.

I had the realization sometime last week that I was actually pushing friends away before I moved to make the eventual disconnection easier, and since then I've been taking steps to...you know, reverse that. Despite all of the problems and differences we might have, folks here are the family I've never had up until this point, and as such my family has been responsible, directly and indirectly, for my development up to this point. I wouldn't be where I am today without them, and I aim to make sure they know I appreciate it by the time I'm packing up the U-Haul and waving goodbye until I can't see them any more.

Life has been pretty much a blur these past several weeks. Lots of work stuff going down; I keep waffling between determination to make sure my sections and duplicates are in functioning order so I can hand off the baton to my replacement as smoothly as possible and hopless resignation that such an idealized goal is nothing short of impossible. We've entered the busy season, where departing college students and vacationing townies want to unload all of their books for some extra spending cash, so the aisle that houses Poetry and Local Interest and Bindings (guess what? all my sections!) are so cluttered with boxes that I can barely shelve anything, much less straighten the sections. Afternoons especially are hopelessly busy, and almost everyone working has to drop what they're doing to manage the flow of books coming in (lots) and going out (little). It's not a bad life, especially on the good days when you take it all in stride, but these days I have to be powered mostly on caffeine just to make it through. :)

I haven't been meditating, exercising, or yoga-ing. Most days I roll out of bed, freshen up a bit, check mail and LJ, make lunch and head on out. I have taken to reciting the Sutra on Loving Kindness before I leave, though, and...man, it does wonders, let me tell you. :) I'm a lot less angry and disappointed with people in general, and it feels good to be able to let go of a lot of that.

I haven't been writing, either, which means there's this ball of guilt that's been sitting in the bottom of my stomach all the time and making it difficult to eat a whole lot (seriously). I really want to, but I don't have the time; between social engagements and RPGs and fleshing out the world for a limited-run campaign I'm eyeing there hasn't even been much time for sleep, much less stories and poetry. I wish I had a bit more time to slow down and be contemplative, but that would mean shutting people out at some point and there's no way to do that without feelings being hurt. I'll just have to take time as I can get it.

Oh! Went up to KC and hung out with a bunch of very cool people last weekend, and that helped tons. :D Re-acquainted myself with Roxikat, who is insanely cool (and an actor?! my heart flutters!), caught up with Seph and Geemo and Kamber and Gideon and Sylvan and Rozberk, fell in love with Hammy the Squirrel (though only one squirrel *really* has my heart), and hurt myself pretending to be Muhammed Ali at Dave and Buster's. Oh! And I had buffalo for the first time. Not bad meat. :9 Thanks guys for being awesome, and especially to Aubrin for letting me carpool with him.

Finished Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, and it made me think about how...unfashionable it is to really, properly grieve, and how most people find unabashed sadness and mourning very uncomfortable. She talks about the trend towards burying grief and how that's supported by society at large these days just a little bit, but now I'm wondering if anyone's written about grieving from a purely sociological/anthropological/mythological standpoint. Any suggestions out there?

Anyway, it's a really great book, and Didion does a really great job of laying bare her mental process for the year after her husband's death. What grief is, what it *does* to you, how it changes and diminishes you, changes you forever. Somehow she manages to make the whole experience...clinical, though. It's messy and loopy and weird, but it's not personal, at least as she's written it. That's a very curious thing to me. Maybe it's just her treatment of her experience, the way she addresses her thoughts...are they 'too intellectual' for me to connect with on an emotional basis? Mmm, quite possibly.

Next up, I'm going to revisit Godel, Escher, Bach and try to balance it out with some Terry Pratchett in between chapters. :)

Oh! There's an actually really-real local theatre company in Fayetteville finally. :D I'm going to see if anyone wants to go support them in their first production.

And finally...now that there's only a little over two months (maybe more) between me and The Big Move, I thought now might be a good time to establish the itinerary. arlekin and I will be travelling together from Fayetteville, Arkansas to Sunnyvale, California, and we were wondering if a few kind furs wouldn't mind putting us up for a night or two along the way. I definitely want to swing in to Austin at least, and maybe hit Oklahoma, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Southern California and other places along the way. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Now, time to shut things down. Almost time for dinner with Odis, and then Cy's game.