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Strengthening The Line of Cycle
Jan. 2nd, 2003 07:42 am
Hey there, all...
First post of the New Year, wahoo. :) It turned out to be a pretty good celebration/crossover, full of sake, bad (good) movies and friendly conversation, but on the other side of the time line, 2003 looks a lot like 2002.
Spent a lot of the first day talking to a few friends, and (oddly enough) RPing quite a bit...or trying to. I won't say that I *completely* wasted yesterday, but I feel waster afterwards about it.
There is so much negativity in the world. A lot of this negativity is understandable, especially when you focus it towards events happening in the world stage. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but it honestly feels like the human race is on a collision course towards something big and sweeping, where we won't have the option to change -- we'll be *forced* to because our survival depends on it. And with every piece lining up the way it is, I'm not entirely sure we'll be able to make the necessary revisions as a species.
Beyond that, there's this complex web of interpersonal relationships that people get caught up in so much. Basically, desires are held onto, squeezed until they're diamond-hard, and sought after with so much passion that it's all we can do but set ourselves up for one big, crashing disappointment when the relationships we seek don't work out. I remember when I used to have that kind of passion, where I got attached to people with everything I had...I *still* feel passionately close to a few people, in different ways, but it's nothing like before. The passion before had this...crazy, needful quality, like my way of life depended on this one person's continued affection. I've moved away from that, because a) I've been hurt by too many people I've gotten close to and b) I realize that I don't need (or want) other people to fulfill me. It's a dangerous game, this kind of reliance, especially because relationships tend to be so impermanent and fluctuating.
I've made comments about 'Those People' before here, and while looking back on it I realize how...cynical that sounds, I still have that attitude. I think the glue that binds 'Those People' together is the fact that they're all people who push themselves in various ways, who are constantly learning, evolving, expanding people, and their efforts have made them very talented in varying fields. They're deeply entrenched in what they do, and they tend to be attracted to people who are similarly entrenched and knowledgeable. This is understandable, and I think it explains why a lot of people who associate with 'Those People', or try to anyway, get nowhere. A lot of the furry population don't push themselves, either because they're of the perception that they can't do what they set their minds to, or they're too busy trying to be fulfilled by other people that they let their own talents lay ignored. This, too, is understandable; the way childhood is set up, a lot of us are trained to think we *need* other people to make us complete individuals, and that our own talents, quirks and everything that makes us 'us' is unimportant or undesirable. A lot of us never make it out of that perception, either, because adulthood far too often becomes a more complex version of that social structure.
It always bewilders me when someone professes deep or passionate love or admiration for me. My initial reaction is "This person is falling in love with an image they think I represent, and they really don't know me that well." I never know how to respond, because my perception of them already is that they're horribly mistaken; so I usually end up trying to figure out where they're making their mistakes and try to tell them what's really going on. "No, no, I am not this way, in fact I suck really really bad. See? Here's an example." The inevitable result is that I get scared, push them away and alienate these people.
Why? I guess it's because I'm always afraid I might feel deeply passionate in that old way again. As much as I *love* the idea of falling head-over-feet in love with someone, in the grand old style of traditional romance, I want to make sure it's the absolutely right person. I'm tired of mind games, of uncertainties, of insecurities that always pop up in serious relationships. I'm not willing to dance courtship any more. I just have other things to do with my time.
I've made very broad strides in my desire to be an all-around storyteller. I'm really proud of the progress I've made so far, but that's only the tip of the iceberg, all the pieces I've laid before me are set up for *action* now. I spent a lot of time last year sitting back and observing things, trying to make sense of the way people treat one another, and the way I react to treatment. That's well and good, and I'm understanding things a lot better, but now I've got to forge ahead on my own path.
The reason I think I'm afraid to go anywhere with anything is that it forces me to build upon my understanding, strengthening my will. I stop taking so much in, and start exerting things back out into my environment. I've seen a lot of people who are firmly entrenched in their own paths become vlose-minded, bigoted, egotistical and selfish. I'm deathly afraid of that kind of attitude. I really don't want to become that person, and it's a risk that anyone who wants to do things is faced with.
Time is too short for fear. I don't have time for that. I better get started.
First post of the New Year, wahoo. :) It turned out to be a pretty good celebration/crossover, full of sake, bad (good) movies and friendly conversation, but on the other side of the time line, 2003 looks a lot like 2002.
Spent a lot of the first day talking to a few friends, and (oddly enough) RPing quite a bit...or trying to. I won't say that I *completely* wasted yesterday, but I feel waster afterwards about it.
There is so much negativity in the world. A lot of this negativity is understandable, especially when you focus it towards events happening in the world stage. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but it honestly feels like the human race is on a collision course towards something big and sweeping, where we won't have the option to change -- we'll be *forced* to because our survival depends on it. And with every piece lining up the way it is, I'm not entirely sure we'll be able to make the necessary revisions as a species.
Beyond that, there's this complex web of interpersonal relationships that people get caught up in so much. Basically, desires are held onto, squeezed until they're diamond-hard, and sought after with so much passion that it's all we can do but set ourselves up for one big, crashing disappointment when the relationships we seek don't work out. I remember when I used to have that kind of passion, where I got attached to people with everything I had...I *still* feel passionately close to a few people, in different ways, but it's nothing like before. The passion before had this...crazy, needful quality, like my way of life depended on this one person's continued affection. I've moved away from that, because a) I've been hurt by too many people I've gotten close to and b) I realize that I don't need (or want) other people to fulfill me. It's a dangerous game, this kind of reliance, especially because relationships tend to be so impermanent and fluctuating.
I've made comments about 'Those People' before here, and while looking back on it I realize how...cynical that sounds, I still have that attitude. I think the glue that binds 'Those People' together is the fact that they're all people who push themselves in various ways, who are constantly learning, evolving, expanding people, and their efforts have made them very talented in varying fields. They're deeply entrenched in what they do, and they tend to be attracted to people who are similarly entrenched and knowledgeable. This is understandable, and I think it explains why a lot of people who associate with 'Those People', or try to anyway, get nowhere. A lot of the furry population don't push themselves, either because they're of the perception that they can't do what they set their minds to, or they're too busy trying to be fulfilled by other people that they let their own talents lay ignored. This, too, is understandable; the way childhood is set up, a lot of us are trained to think we *need* other people to make us complete individuals, and that our own talents, quirks and everything that makes us 'us' is unimportant or undesirable. A lot of us never make it out of that perception, either, because adulthood far too often becomes a more complex version of that social structure.
It always bewilders me when someone professes deep or passionate love or admiration for me. My initial reaction is "This person is falling in love with an image they think I represent, and they really don't know me that well." I never know how to respond, because my perception of them already is that they're horribly mistaken; so I usually end up trying to figure out where they're making their mistakes and try to tell them what's really going on. "No, no, I am not this way, in fact I suck really really bad. See? Here's an example." The inevitable result is that I get scared, push them away and alienate these people.
Why? I guess it's because I'm always afraid I might feel deeply passionate in that old way again. As much as I *love* the idea of falling head-over-feet in love with someone, in the grand old style of traditional romance, I want to make sure it's the absolutely right person. I'm tired of mind games, of uncertainties, of insecurities that always pop up in serious relationships. I'm not willing to dance courtship any more. I just have other things to do with my time.
I've made very broad strides in my desire to be an all-around storyteller. I'm really proud of the progress I've made so far, but that's only the tip of the iceberg, all the pieces I've laid before me are set up for *action* now. I spent a lot of time last year sitting back and observing things, trying to make sense of the way people treat one another, and the way I react to treatment. That's well and good, and I'm understanding things a lot better, but now I've got to forge ahead on my own path.
The reason I think I'm afraid to go anywhere with anything is that it forces me to build upon my understanding, strengthening my will. I stop taking so much in, and start exerting things back out into my environment. I've seen a lot of people who are firmly entrenched in their own paths become vlose-minded, bigoted, egotistical and selfish. I'm deathly afraid of that kind of attitude. I really don't want to become that person, and it's a risk that anyone who wants to do things is faced with.
Time is too short for fear. I don't have time for that. I better get started.
