Refugee From A State of Social Implication

Hullo there...

Hmm, I guess these things have turned into weekly updates of sorts, right? I had such big plans, too...

Heh, I'll try to make them a bit more updated, though, especially since I hope to write every day for Rammadan(?). And, like most things I'm doing for this blasted holiday, it's going to take a bit of getting used to.

What's Rammadan? Well, I'm not sure if I'm spelling it right, so that may be one reason for all of the confusion. It's an Islamic holy period, stretching a month from November 16th all the way to mid-December. During this time, you fast completely (no food or drink) from sun-up to sundown, and after sundown you only eat what you need to sustain yourself. I suppose there's a lot of other things to do if you really know the holiday, but that's the basic gist of it.

Ultimately, Rammadan is supposed to be a spiritual (and perhaps physical) purification so that you can stand before Allah with no worries. Since I really don't believe I'll have to stand before Allah, it's more of an 'experiment' and a show of support for Muslims in general. They certainly need it these days.

I'm also planning on giving up a vice (or two) this season. I probably won't be on-line much for the holiday, since I've vowed not to use the computer for recreational purposes. I can get on to check e-mail so that it won't overflow, I suppose, but I'll probably take a one month hiatus from most of my lists to sort of supplant that. I think this might be a good idea in the long run, especially if I try and not *think* about being on-line too much. Since most of the time being on-line just depresses me anyway (except with a few people, and you know who you are), I suppose I can figure out if I really need to be here, and if so, how much. I get the vague feeling that I'll probably be cutting back a bit more regardless.

Other than gearing up for the big holiday season (I love Christmas!), nothing much has been happening. I've been largely procrastinating on a lot of things I really should be getting done; I got a new shiny writing desk(!) that I guess I should be putting together, and probably will sometime soon. I think my main block these days is just simple fear; fear of what I will (and won't) accomplish. I have two short stories that are up for deadline in January, and while I have the idea all situated in my head, it's going to be difficult putting that to paper. Ultimately, I'm just going to have to put my nose into a grindstone and do it. :)

I suppose I'm doing better these days; the dreams from the movie haven't come all week, and while I still think about it, it doesn't bother me as much. I still haven't called my mother; for some reason I'm scared of that, too. I have no idea why, but you know how us neurotics are. :)

The main thing to come of this, I think, is just more alienation. From talking to a few of my (supposedly) close friends about it, it really doesn't feel like they understand how...bad things become for me sometimes. I suppose a lot of that is my fault somehow, but still...I'm trying. Hard. And it's not easy. It sucks sometimes that people don't recognize that. But what can you do?

Thanks, everyone, by the way, for words of encouragement over the past month or so. Through all the frustrations and depressions and all of that, it's been swell to know people...erm, care. :) The suggestions especially help; even if I tried them before, it offers new perspective, and all that.

Well, I suppose that's it for me. It's back to being a recluse for a while. :)

-David