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Requiem For A Loss
Oct. 30th, 2001 06:03 am
Hey there...
Man, the weekend and the week so far has been one enormous roller coaster ride.
Saturday night, Arlekin and I rent six movies, planning to watch them all through the night. We rented: Memento (very great movie), Rat (really oddball, but funny as anything), Blood: The Last Vampire (surprisingly moody and thoughtful for an anime), The Dish (a charming movie filled with Australian accents *whirr*), Ma Vie En Rose (a movie I feel asleep with), and...one other one.
Requiem For A Dream, by Darren Arenofsky. Man, this is fucked up.
I don't want to give the movie away, but suffice it to say it's pretty graphic, and doesn't leave you any time soon. A drug dealer, his mother, his girlfriend and best friend all crash and burn because of drugs of varying sorts. It's all pretty harsh, but the mother is especially difficult to watch, well...for personal reasons.
Her name's Sarah Goldfarb, and she's old, and alone, and more than anything she wants to be on television. It becomes her focus. and her reason for getting up in the morning. She's been called to be a contestant on this game show, and she wants to wear the red dress she wore to her son's graduation...but she can't fit.
Eventually, she ends up on diet pills...obsessing about this game show, and her son. Finally, she goes insane. The movie paints the story much worse than I'm doing it justice here. It just...wrecked me. But not as bad as what came after it.
I fell asleep while watching the last movie, and I had this nightmare. My mother was in a mental institution, and she was wearing this red straight-jacket. Her hair was all whacked out, and she was berating me from her room...."This is all your fault, I'm old, and I'm alone, and you never cared about me. You never call, or write, or come to visit. This is all your fault." And more along the same lines.
I still haven't recovered from that dream.
So, with that whole big mental spitwad hitting me in the head and everything, my perceptions about everything have been a bit coloured. Which means quite simply that being on-line isn't a good idea, especially since it just makes a shitty mood even worse.
On the other hand, any plans for growth or untangling have been severely hampered. I don't *want* to think right now, because I know my mind will walk in circles around the same exact place. In a lot of ways, I blame myself for what happened with my mother, and relationships after that. Every girlfriend (there's only one) and boyfriend I've ever had I feel like I've pushed away, or been a bastard, and that's what's causing this current bout of alienation. I really don't feel like I deserve anyone.
I'm not angry, and I don't really have the energy to try and change the idea right now. I'm alone on-line and RL (even with Joey, yes) precisely because I did something...wrong. I don't know what, I just know I did, and now I'm paying the consequences. And I guess I just have to swallow that.
Still, I miss everybody. My roommate's going through this big depressive period, where he feels like he's trapped behind this three-inch-thick soundproof glass...where he doesn't exist to anyone else. I wish I could have told him I knew exactly how he felt, but he wouldn't have heard me because I'm behind that exact, same glass. No one's listening...but no one really should. I've used all of my chances.
No, I'm not depressed. Just tired. And maybe a little burned out. Ok, I guess that counts as depression. :) It's really hard to feel like your feelings are valid when they're viewed by the vast majority as whiny ramblings. Ah well. I suppose these things happen.
J.
Man, the weekend and the week so far has been one enormous roller coaster ride.
Saturday night, Arlekin and I rent six movies, planning to watch them all through the night. We rented: Memento (very great movie), Rat (really oddball, but funny as anything), Blood: The Last Vampire (surprisingly moody and thoughtful for an anime), The Dish (a charming movie filled with Australian accents *whirr*), Ma Vie En Rose (a movie I feel asleep with), and...one other one.
Requiem For A Dream, by Darren Arenofsky. Man, this is fucked up.
I don't want to give the movie away, but suffice it to say it's pretty graphic, and doesn't leave you any time soon. A drug dealer, his mother, his girlfriend and best friend all crash and burn because of drugs of varying sorts. It's all pretty harsh, but the mother is especially difficult to watch, well...for personal reasons.
Her name's Sarah Goldfarb, and she's old, and alone, and more than anything she wants to be on television. It becomes her focus. and her reason for getting up in the morning. She's been called to be a contestant on this game show, and she wants to wear the red dress she wore to her son's graduation...but she can't fit.
Eventually, she ends up on diet pills...obsessing about this game show, and her son. Finally, she goes insane. The movie paints the story much worse than I'm doing it justice here. It just...wrecked me. But not as bad as what came after it.
I fell asleep while watching the last movie, and I had this nightmare. My mother was in a mental institution, and she was wearing this red straight-jacket. Her hair was all whacked out, and she was berating me from her room...."This is all your fault, I'm old, and I'm alone, and you never cared about me. You never call, or write, or come to visit. This is all your fault." And more along the same lines.
I still haven't recovered from that dream.
So, with that whole big mental spitwad hitting me in the head and everything, my perceptions about everything have been a bit coloured. Which means quite simply that being on-line isn't a good idea, especially since it just makes a shitty mood even worse.
On the other hand, any plans for growth or untangling have been severely hampered. I don't *want* to think right now, because I know my mind will walk in circles around the same exact place. In a lot of ways, I blame myself for what happened with my mother, and relationships after that. Every girlfriend (there's only one) and boyfriend I've ever had I feel like I've pushed away, or been a bastard, and that's what's causing this current bout of alienation. I really don't feel like I deserve anyone.
I'm not angry, and I don't really have the energy to try and change the idea right now. I'm alone on-line and RL (even with Joey, yes) precisely because I did something...wrong. I don't know what, I just know I did, and now I'm paying the consequences. And I guess I just have to swallow that.
Still, I miss everybody. My roommate's going through this big depressive period, where he feels like he's trapped behind this three-inch-thick soundproof glass...where he doesn't exist to anyone else. I wish I could have told him I knew exactly how he felt, but he wouldn't have heard me because I'm behind that exact, same glass. No one's listening...but no one really should. I've used all of my chances.
No, I'm not depressed. Just tired. And maybe a little burned out. Ok, I guess that counts as depression. :) It's really hard to feel like your feelings are valid when they're viewed by the vast majority as whiny ramblings. Ah well. I suppose these things happen.
J.
