Hate/Ego/Cycle
Apr. 7th, 2003 03:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Hey there, all...
I'm in a moment of unfocus because of this, so I thought I could just deposit the thought here and (hopefully) be done with it.
One of the most affecting moments in the 9/11 documentary I saw last weekend was that of the FDNY chaplain, praying in the lobby. With everything that was going on around him, with all the uncertainty and fear floating through the air, the first thing he could think of doing was to pray.
That, to me, was an amazing display of faith, and in turn it strengthened my faith...in the goodness of the world, in the goodness of mankind, in the Universe as a whole. The more I think about it, the more I want to devote my life to faith, and while you don't need to be a reverend (or a monk) to do that, it does take quite a bit of doing.
One thing that's been tripping me up in particular is the cycle of hate. I've come across people I think of as just...negative people. They don't respect the feelings of other people, they don't care about the consequences of their attitude...their lives are marked with a general hate, or sadness, or depression that makes them uncomfortable people to be around. Of course, the fact that I've been personally affected by this attitude doesn't help either. <:) It's very easy to perpetuate the cycle of hate. It's very easy to shrink back from these people, to speak ill of them, to be as callous to them as I perceive them being to me. It's easy, perhaps understandable, but...never appropriate. Part of my problem is that my understanding of these people doesn't allow for the idea that they are good people. Because I've been personally hurt by them, a lot of the influences that shaped their situation don't register, and I'm more inclined to think of them as assholes who don't give a rat's ass about anyone who doesn't think like them. Every time they say something smug, or hurtful, or assinine, it's that much easier to wish they were miserable. Naturally, I don't like thinking that way. I don't think 'turning the other cheek' and ignoring inappropriate behavior is the way to go, either. But I'm really not into the whole self-righteous 'pity these people' or 'they're miserable already' trap, either. All of those are too easy. These people...are people, with reasons of their own for their behaviors, and whether these reasons are excusable or not isn't really for me to decide. I'd rather not hate these people. And most of the time, I don't. Every once in a while, though, they make it *really* easy... I still believe that all people, if given the chance, are basically good people. These negative people I know, I think, are still good; they do good deeds, a lot of them, and have many admirable qualities. What completely wrecks me, though, is the lack of tolerance, empathy and compassion these people display; I can't be subjected to those things without wanting to dump it all right back on them. How do you show compassion for someone who actively disdains you? It bothers me that people see me as worthy of their disrespect. I'm not perfect by a long shot, but I think that I (and everyone else for that matter) deserves a basic level of respect. When I see people breaking that, it really angers me. When I feel I've been disrespected (and honestly, it takes a lot for that to happen), it's an offense that's very hard to forgive. But I need to forgive. I really don't like being angry at any body, and I don't like it when someone's mere presence makes me tense. There has to be a way to deal with this in a balanced way. I'm sure not going to get help from any of the parties involved, so this is something I have to go alone.
I'm in a moment of unfocus because of this, so I thought I could just deposit the thought here and (hopefully) be done with it.
One of the most affecting moments in the 9/11 documentary I saw last weekend was that of the FDNY chaplain, praying in the lobby. With everything that was going on around him, with all the uncertainty and fear floating through the air, the first thing he could think of doing was to pray.
That, to me, was an amazing display of faith, and in turn it strengthened my faith...in the goodness of the world, in the goodness of mankind, in the Universe as a whole. The more I think about it, the more I want to devote my life to faith, and while you don't need to be a reverend (or a monk) to do that, it does take quite a bit of doing.
One thing that's been tripping me up in particular is the cycle of hate. I've come across people I think of as just...negative people. They don't respect the feelings of other people, they don't care about the consequences of their attitude...their lives are marked with a general hate, or sadness, or depression that makes them uncomfortable people to be around. Of course, the fact that I've been personally affected by this attitude doesn't help either. <:) It's very easy to perpetuate the cycle of hate. It's very easy to shrink back from these people, to speak ill of them, to be as callous to them as I perceive them being to me. It's easy, perhaps understandable, but...never appropriate. Part of my problem is that my understanding of these people doesn't allow for the idea that they are good people. Because I've been personally hurt by them, a lot of the influences that shaped their situation don't register, and I'm more inclined to think of them as assholes who don't give a rat's ass about anyone who doesn't think like them. Every time they say something smug, or hurtful, or assinine, it's that much easier to wish they were miserable. Naturally, I don't like thinking that way. I don't think 'turning the other cheek' and ignoring inappropriate behavior is the way to go, either. But I'm really not into the whole self-righteous 'pity these people' or 'they're miserable already' trap, either. All of those are too easy. These people...are people, with reasons of their own for their behaviors, and whether these reasons are excusable or not isn't really for me to decide. I'd rather not hate these people. And most of the time, I don't. Every once in a while, though, they make it *really* easy... I still believe that all people, if given the chance, are basically good people. These negative people I know, I think, are still good; they do good deeds, a lot of them, and have many admirable qualities. What completely wrecks me, though, is the lack of tolerance, empathy and compassion these people display; I can't be subjected to those things without wanting to dump it all right back on them. How do you show compassion for someone who actively disdains you? It bothers me that people see me as worthy of their disrespect. I'm not perfect by a long shot, but I think that I (and everyone else for that matter) deserves a basic level of respect. When I see people breaking that, it really angers me. When I feel I've been disrespected (and honestly, it takes a lot for that to happen), it's an offense that's very hard to forgive. But I need to forgive. I really don't like being angry at any body, and I don't like it when someone's mere presence makes me tense. There has to be a way to deal with this in a balanced way. I'm sure not going to get help from any of the parties involved, so this is something I have to go alone.
