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jakebeIt's raining today, which makes things extra cozy. I don't even have anything planned for the day, so if I wanted I could just work in my bathrobe and take a few breaks to clean the kitchen or finish folding the laundry. In other words, a rather perfect day to Hobbit around. :)
I'm feeling better from the mood dip earlier in the week, so it's time to start helping out where folks are having a difficult time. Everyone's in a bit of a fragile mood for various reasons, so it feels really important to check in and offer little touches of warmth where I can. In fact, folks have been doing the same for me all this week and, maybe through the destructive filters of my mood, I've interpreted them as demands of my attention.
I don't know how this is going to look when I write this down, so I'll just go ahead and do it. I get into this headspace a lot where people reaching out to me *feels* like a demand for attention, so I start to think of interactions as a resource-management game. How much of my attention can I dole out to everyone who wants some of it before my energy runs out and I have to wait and recharge?
But that flattens every interaction out into this transactional thing, where I'm giving you my attention and hoping to get something out of it that makes it easier for me to spend willpower elsewhere. I end up prioritizing the people who dangle the things I want most for attention, or at least the folks who don't drain my willpower quite as fast.
When my willpower is at its ebb and it's hard for me to focus on anything, I just don't have the energy to do...anything. So those are the times I'll leave folks read on Telegram and Discord, disappear into a video game or a YouTube rabbit-hole, and deal with the persistent guilt that comes from engaging in that cycle again. In this way, I cycle between wanting to be a consistent, reliable presence in my friend's lives and being too exhausted to do anything but match three gems. :P
One thing I've noticed recently is how much of my time feels spent wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else -- especially when I have free time. In the evenings when I don't have gym or a game, I'll even think about opening up Scrivener or firing up Inkarnate to work on a game map -- but then the drain on willpower feels too great and I end up defaulting to time-wasting behavior.
That ain't no way to live, and that ain't no way to treat friends. But I'm not sure how to ride out the periods of low energy in a way that keeps me connected to the life I want to live and the kind of friend I'd like to be. I've been trying to manage my energy a bit more, but I'm not sure how viable that is as a long-term strategy. There's always going to be more friends you want to see; there's never going to be enough time to see them.
Then again, maybe the answer is to stop gassing up the whole concept so much and just give yourself grace. Try to do the right thing in the moment more often; at the end of the day, that's all you can really do.
There's a small bit of upset in the most-recent circle of friends we've made, surrounding R. Two new friends are a younger couple, S.P. and J., that we've had a bit of a rocky start with. S.P. is intensely attracted to R. and R., being oblivious, didn't pick up on it until a couple of outsized reactions clued us in. Those reactions forced us to take a step back and clear things up, and it's there that S.P. made his intentions known to pursue a poly relationship with R. Both he and I are open to the idea; I'm asexual, after all, and R. has been putting so much work into his body that are paying dividends. Of course he's going to pull some admirers.
We're both wary, though. Those outsized reactions could be indicators of a manipulative personality, or someone willing to throw a tantrum if they don't get their way. We've stressed the need for frequent, open, and honest communication -- and the fact that since this is all new, any one of us may experience unexpected feelings that need to be addressed. So far that's been agreed to, but making the agreement and living by it are two different things.
In the meantime, two *other* friends who have been harboring feelings for R. were quite upset to learn the news. One has responded by taking a communication break from all of us to let the intensity die down; another has reached out to me earnestly for help. I care about both of them, so taking the time to check in with them is another part of my emotional rounds for the day.
But there's also setting aside the time to sort MY feelings on it. I'm secure in my relationship with R.; I know he loves me, and we've made a home together that's built to last. I'm happy that he's able to explore the sexual side of himself with people he cares deeply about, and I'm even excited to explore this new ground on intimate relationships. In a lot of ways, it feels like I'm recovering the gregariousness of my 20s, where everyone is a friend and welcome to share the fire. It's a loosening of fear's grip on my heart.
At the same time...so much can go wrong. This could end up in so much hurt. I'm willing to take the chance, but I'd be much more comfortable if I were sure we were taking a chance on the right people. That's the thing, I guess, that keeps me up at night. How do I navigate this if things go south?
We'll see when we get there, I suppose.
I'm feeling better from the mood dip earlier in the week, so it's time to start helping out where folks are having a difficult time. Everyone's in a bit of a fragile mood for various reasons, so it feels really important to check in and offer little touches of warmth where I can. In fact, folks have been doing the same for me all this week and, maybe through the destructive filters of my mood, I've interpreted them as demands of my attention.
I don't know how this is going to look when I write this down, so I'll just go ahead and do it. I get into this headspace a lot where people reaching out to me *feels* like a demand for attention, so I start to think of interactions as a resource-management game. How much of my attention can I dole out to everyone who wants some of it before my energy runs out and I have to wait and recharge?
But that flattens every interaction out into this transactional thing, where I'm giving you my attention and hoping to get something out of it that makes it easier for me to spend willpower elsewhere. I end up prioritizing the people who dangle the things I want most for attention, or at least the folks who don't drain my willpower quite as fast.
When my willpower is at its ebb and it's hard for me to focus on anything, I just don't have the energy to do...anything. So those are the times I'll leave folks read on Telegram and Discord, disappear into a video game or a YouTube rabbit-hole, and deal with the persistent guilt that comes from engaging in that cycle again. In this way, I cycle between wanting to be a consistent, reliable presence in my friend's lives and being too exhausted to do anything but match three gems. :P
One thing I've noticed recently is how much of my time feels spent wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else -- especially when I have free time. In the evenings when I don't have gym or a game, I'll even think about opening up Scrivener or firing up Inkarnate to work on a game map -- but then the drain on willpower feels too great and I end up defaulting to time-wasting behavior.
That ain't no way to live, and that ain't no way to treat friends. But I'm not sure how to ride out the periods of low energy in a way that keeps me connected to the life I want to live and the kind of friend I'd like to be. I've been trying to manage my energy a bit more, but I'm not sure how viable that is as a long-term strategy. There's always going to be more friends you want to see; there's never going to be enough time to see them.
Then again, maybe the answer is to stop gassing up the whole concept so much and just give yourself grace. Try to do the right thing in the moment more often; at the end of the day, that's all you can really do.
There's a small bit of upset in the most-recent circle of friends we've made, surrounding R. Two new friends are a younger couple, S.P. and J., that we've had a bit of a rocky start with. S.P. is intensely attracted to R. and R., being oblivious, didn't pick up on it until a couple of outsized reactions clued us in. Those reactions forced us to take a step back and clear things up, and it's there that S.P. made his intentions known to pursue a poly relationship with R. Both he and I are open to the idea; I'm asexual, after all, and R. has been putting so much work into his body that are paying dividends. Of course he's going to pull some admirers.
We're both wary, though. Those outsized reactions could be indicators of a manipulative personality, or someone willing to throw a tantrum if they don't get their way. We've stressed the need for frequent, open, and honest communication -- and the fact that since this is all new, any one of us may experience unexpected feelings that need to be addressed. So far that's been agreed to, but making the agreement and living by it are two different things.
In the meantime, two *other* friends who have been harboring feelings for R. were quite upset to learn the news. One has responded by taking a communication break from all of us to let the intensity die down; another has reached out to me earnestly for help. I care about both of them, so taking the time to check in with them is another part of my emotional rounds for the day.
But there's also setting aside the time to sort MY feelings on it. I'm secure in my relationship with R.; I know he loves me, and we've made a home together that's built to last. I'm happy that he's able to explore the sexual side of himself with people he cares deeply about, and I'm even excited to explore this new ground on intimate relationships. In a lot of ways, it feels like I'm recovering the gregariousness of my 20s, where everyone is a friend and welcome to share the fire. It's a loosening of fear's grip on my heart.
At the same time...so much can go wrong. This could end up in so much hurt. I'm willing to take the chance, but I'd be much more comfortable if I were sure we were taking a chance on the right people. That's the thing, I guess, that keeps me up at night. How do I navigate this if things go south?
We'll see when we get there, I suppose.
