Where Did January Go?
Jan. 29th, 2024 10:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeI've blinked, and January is gone.
That's the way it usually happens though, doesn't it? I'm sure I'll be saying the same thing about February in just a few days, then March. Life is just relentless.
So, how did this month go? Objectively, not too badly. I just hit my performance goal at the day job, and I'm finally feeling comfortable enough to do most things without support or hand-holding. I'm still asking questions I'd know the answer to if I thought about it for a second, or because I'm misinterpreting the reports I'm reading. It'll take a bit more time before I feel confident I haven't missed anything, or that I understand what I'm reading well enough to teach it to someone else. That's where I'd like to be this time next year -- if I'm still at TSS.
Because I should be looking for work elsewhere. Something that pays better, that aligns with the skills I'd prefer to develop, maybe even something that forces me out of the house a few days a week. One of the good things about having my salary knocked back this far is it makes me a lot less choosy about something that pays better. I'd be comfortable with a position paying $75K under the right company, or with the right people. It's really surprising just how much "fat" I had in my budget when I was making nearly $100K. If I get back up to that income bracket, I hope I can have a more prudent view of the excess.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned this month is that what makes me feel most "adult" is giving myself the space to prepare for things ahead of time. Just opening up the work laptop with a to-do list curated for me the day before -- so I know exactly what I should be doing and when -- helps me feel a lot more on top of things. That'll be one of the things I'll bring into February with me; planning my day ahead of time so I have a better idea of what I'll need.
It's also clear that I'll need to keep track of my time a little better, so I'll be spending a little bit of time at the end of each day reviewing what I've done and planning when I'll be doing things tomorrow. It's hard to carve out that space, usually because I'm high and floating toward bed instead of...you know, doing it with any intentionality.
Still hard for me to be...present. At least, the way I'd like to be. At this point I'm not even sure it's anxiety pulling me away. It might just be habit; when I'm not actively pushing myself to do something, smoking is the default. There's a rising dissonance about that. When I'm sober, it's such a relief to be able to think clearly and make connections and move...well, reasonably fast when doing things. When I'm high, I've gotten better at doing things but it's a struggle the whole time. It's easier to get distracted, to forget what I was doing in the first place, and...if I'm trying to hold several pieces of information in my head at once, forget it. It's not even that fun when I'm doing it. It's just...familiar, and the anxiety is relieved in ways that make it easier.
I'm ready to at least ramp down my usage. At this point I know that quitting cold-turkey is not the best idea, so next month I'll start a ramp down program with some guard rails. No smoking/vaping, say, before 5 PM on weekdays with at least one day a week completely smoke-free. Then two days, three, etc. etc. I hope that I'm able to take a complete break by summer, maybe with the goal of being a very easy date by the time my birthday rolls around. That's the dream, anyway.
Writing and reading were both busts this month, which shows me I'm really going to have to put some energy into this if it's going to stick. I'm hoping that scheduling when I'm going to work on my priorities might push things in that direction, but I also know that all the planning in the world doesn't help when you don't execute the plan you've laid out. I think I've gotten better about pushing through my paralysis when it's time to start something, but I still haven't learned how to do that consistently. That's the real trick: doing shit when you don't feel like it on a more regular basis, or at least learning how to get *into* the shit you have to do so your brain isn't rebelling every five seconds.
January, on the whole, felt like a month of resetting expectations. The day job, gym, and cleaning the burrow ended up being my focus and I didn't do a great job there because I wasn't really focused on it. I did it because I had to, and I've been a lot better about consistency there, but I didn't put real thought into how I could make work or gym more fun, or at least more compatible with my other goals. Understanding the space that my current habits are already taking up gives me a better chance to make the changes I need for everything else.
It's all still a work in progress, but it's a fun puzzle to tease out regardless.
That's the way it usually happens though, doesn't it? I'm sure I'll be saying the same thing about February in just a few days, then March. Life is just relentless.
So, how did this month go? Objectively, not too badly. I just hit my performance goal at the day job, and I'm finally feeling comfortable enough to do most things without support or hand-holding. I'm still asking questions I'd know the answer to if I thought about it for a second, or because I'm misinterpreting the reports I'm reading. It'll take a bit more time before I feel confident I haven't missed anything, or that I understand what I'm reading well enough to teach it to someone else. That's where I'd like to be this time next year -- if I'm still at TSS.
Because I should be looking for work elsewhere. Something that pays better, that aligns with the skills I'd prefer to develop, maybe even something that forces me out of the house a few days a week. One of the good things about having my salary knocked back this far is it makes me a lot less choosy about something that pays better. I'd be comfortable with a position paying $75K under the right company, or with the right people. It's really surprising just how much "fat" I had in my budget when I was making nearly $100K. If I get back up to that income bracket, I hope I can have a more prudent view of the excess.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned this month is that what makes me feel most "adult" is giving myself the space to prepare for things ahead of time. Just opening up the work laptop with a to-do list curated for me the day before -- so I know exactly what I should be doing and when -- helps me feel a lot more on top of things. That'll be one of the things I'll bring into February with me; planning my day ahead of time so I have a better idea of what I'll need.
It's also clear that I'll need to keep track of my time a little better, so I'll be spending a little bit of time at the end of each day reviewing what I've done and planning when I'll be doing things tomorrow. It's hard to carve out that space, usually because I'm high and floating toward bed instead of...you know, doing it with any intentionality.
Still hard for me to be...present. At least, the way I'd like to be. At this point I'm not even sure it's anxiety pulling me away. It might just be habit; when I'm not actively pushing myself to do something, smoking is the default. There's a rising dissonance about that. When I'm sober, it's such a relief to be able to think clearly and make connections and move...well, reasonably fast when doing things. When I'm high, I've gotten better at doing things but it's a struggle the whole time. It's easier to get distracted, to forget what I was doing in the first place, and...if I'm trying to hold several pieces of information in my head at once, forget it. It's not even that fun when I'm doing it. It's just...familiar, and the anxiety is relieved in ways that make it easier.
I'm ready to at least ramp down my usage. At this point I know that quitting cold-turkey is not the best idea, so next month I'll start a ramp down program with some guard rails. No smoking/vaping, say, before 5 PM on weekdays with at least one day a week completely smoke-free. Then two days, three, etc. etc. I hope that I'm able to take a complete break by summer, maybe with the goal of being a very easy date by the time my birthday rolls around. That's the dream, anyway.
Writing and reading were both busts this month, which shows me I'm really going to have to put some energy into this if it's going to stick. I'm hoping that scheduling when I'm going to work on my priorities might push things in that direction, but I also know that all the planning in the world doesn't help when you don't execute the plan you've laid out. I think I've gotten better about pushing through my paralysis when it's time to start something, but I still haven't learned how to do that consistently. That's the real trick: doing shit when you don't feel like it on a more regular basis, or at least learning how to get *into* the shit you have to do so your brain isn't rebelling every five seconds.
January, on the whole, felt like a month of resetting expectations. The day job, gym, and cleaning the burrow ended up being my focus and I didn't do a great job there because I wasn't really focused on it. I did it because I had to, and I've been a lot better about consistency there, but I didn't put real thought into how I could make work or gym more fun, or at least more compatible with my other goals. Understanding the space that my current habits are already taking up gives me a better chance to make the changes I need for everything else.
It's all still a work in progress, but it's a fun puzzle to tease out regardless.
