No Romantic Music
Nov. 2nd, 2023 09:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeThis month is going to be a battle to remain present with whatever I'm doing, I can feel it already.
Yesterday actually wasn't bad! R. was home, but I managed to keep my focus on work for the most part. With the day job, I'm still getting stuck on a few things that just stop me dead until I can ask someone for help. My manager has scheduled a weekly 1:1 to check in on me at least, so that's good! But there are still far too many situations where I should treat something as an exception because I didn't know about extenuating circumstances. I'm not sure how I'm expected to do my job effectively if there are these constant gaps in knowledge that really affect how to approach a situation.
At least it's just a personal frustration. My manager has been great about making sure I have positive feedback, especially when I stumble into a situation like that. I don't feel like there are consequences for mistakes here, which is a relief. Most of the fear of failure -- and the frustration about being in a situation where I'm likely to fail -- is self-generated. The person who will be most upset about getting something wrong is me, so it becomes an exercise in managing my own expectations.
But that emotional load makes the job harder and makes me slower at doing it. There are often times when the free-floating anxiety is too much and I end up fleeing to a distraction. When I'm working on an order and suddenly have to stop dead because I just can't orient what I'm seeing on the certificate with what I know about the process, I can only flail at the documentation for so long before getting frustrated. By that time I've spent a significant amount of time on it, so there's the stress of asking for help while admonishing myself for not asking earlier.
But then the coworkers are not consistently responsive. And I get that, we're all working through a backlog and I get the feeling most of my team are lone wolves. They don't owe me their time or expertise. But it's a different environment from Udacity, where we were constantly collaborating and answers were...easier to get. Before, no one had time but everyone had the desire to help. Here it's almost the opposite. Folks are friendly, but it's a Midwest friendly. Maybe this is just what it's like for a team of introverts; folks are head down and only spend their precious spoons when they have to.
Overall, it's a...solitary environment, which I honestly don't mind. I just wish the training was a bit more robust and collaborative. Instead, I'm making my way slowly along and learning a lot about how my anxiety is tied to the struggle to acquire specialized knowledge.
I tend to do a bit better when I slow down and ground myself, develop a system that off-loads the parts of my brain I can't rely on for whatever reason, and work consistently to refine that system for efficiency. I'm hoping I can deep-dive into that development this month, no matter where my work takes me.
Spoke with an ex-coworker yesterday about the Community Manager opportunity at Homebridge. She gave me advice on what other applicants have done well, where mistakes have been made, and the hiring manager's ambition for what the community could become. We'll call the hiring manager N.B. here.
The company is a non-profit organization that trains home-care workers so they can serve a wider variety of clients. N.B. is the head of curriculum there, so he oversees the training program -- it's a logical move for him from Udacity. He noticed a gap with students, where they wanted a community to help one another and keep in touch, and while he was talking with B.L. -- the ex-coworker I spoke with yesterday -- my name came up as a good fit to launch one. According to her, he asked for ME. By name.
I'm not sure how true that is, but N.B. sent me a personal email asking to meet up next week. We'll be chatting online next Tuesday afternoon, and I'm treating it like a serious professional interview. I've already talked to a recruiter, hope to have my assessment ready to present by the end of the day today, and over the weekend I'll be doing some research into the company, how to launch the community, and possible platforms we could use to grow it.
The thought of actually doing this makes me deliriously happy. The pay is streets ahead of what I'm making currently, I'd be reunited with a few Udacity coworkers, and I'll be doing work that is meaningful and fulfilling. I'll be leaning into skills I've been wanting to develop for some time and getting paid to do it. You couldn't ask for a better gig.
And honestly, this opportunity is the thing that's pulling me out of my pot-induced slumber. It's something I want to be wholly present for. I never thought that money would be such a strong motivator for me, but...actually getting paid like I work in Silicon Valley encourages me to behave like a Silicon Valley worker. The current gig at TSS, with low pay and seemingly low expectations, means I have to be a lot more self-motivated than I am. But the lack of resources *combined* with the lack of motivation has left me languishing.
No matter what happens with the Homebridge application, I'm aiming to build myself up again. But I have to be deliberate, focused, and intentional. I have to develop a plan and stick to it. That's the hard part.
Yesterday actually wasn't bad! R. was home, but I managed to keep my focus on work for the most part. With the day job, I'm still getting stuck on a few things that just stop me dead until I can ask someone for help. My manager has scheduled a weekly 1:1 to check in on me at least, so that's good! But there are still far too many situations where I should treat something as an exception because I didn't know about extenuating circumstances. I'm not sure how I'm expected to do my job effectively if there are these constant gaps in knowledge that really affect how to approach a situation.
At least it's just a personal frustration. My manager has been great about making sure I have positive feedback, especially when I stumble into a situation like that. I don't feel like there are consequences for mistakes here, which is a relief. Most of the fear of failure -- and the frustration about being in a situation where I'm likely to fail -- is self-generated. The person who will be most upset about getting something wrong is me, so it becomes an exercise in managing my own expectations.
But that emotional load makes the job harder and makes me slower at doing it. There are often times when the free-floating anxiety is too much and I end up fleeing to a distraction. When I'm working on an order and suddenly have to stop dead because I just can't orient what I'm seeing on the certificate with what I know about the process, I can only flail at the documentation for so long before getting frustrated. By that time I've spent a significant amount of time on it, so there's the stress of asking for help while admonishing myself for not asking earlier.
But then the coworkers are not consistently responsive. And I get that, we're all working through a backlog and I get the feeling most of my team are lone wolves. They don't owe me their time or expertise. But it's a different environment from Udacity, where we were constantly collaborating and answers were...easier to get. Before, no one had time but everyone had the desire to help. Here it's almost the opposite. Folks are friendly, but it's a Midwest friendly. Maybe this is just what it's like for a team of introverts; folks are head down and only spend their precious spoons when they have to.
Overall, it's a...solitary environment, which I honestly don't mind. I just wish the training was a bit more robust and collaborative. Instead, I'm making my way slowly along and learning a lot about how my anxiety is tied to the struggle to acquire specialized knowledge.
I tend to do a bit better when I slow down and ground myself, develop a system that off-loads the parts of my brain I can't rely on for whatever reason, and work consistently to refine that system for efficiency. I'm hoping I can deep-dive into that development this month, no matter where my work takes me.
Spoke with an ex-coworker yesterday about the Community Manager opportunity at Homebridge. She gave me advice on what other applicants have done well, where mistakes have been made, and the hiring manager's ambition for what the community could become. We'll call the hiring manager N.B. here.
The company is a non-profit organization that trains home-care workers so they can serve a wider variety of clients. N.B. is the head of curriculum there, so he oversees the training program -- it's a logical move for him from Udacity. He noticed a gap with students, where they wanted a community to help one another and keep in touch, and while he was talking with B.L. -- the ex-coworker I spoke with yesterday -- my name came up as a good fit to launch one. According to her, he asked for ME. By name.
I'm not sure how true that is, but N.B. sent me a personal email asking to meet up next week. We'll be chatting online next Tuesday afternoon, and I'm treating it like a serious professional interview. I've already talked to a recruiter, hope to have my assessment ready to present by the end of the day today, and over the weekend I'll be doing some research into the company, how to launch the community, and possible platforms we could use to grow it.
The thought of actually doing this makes me deliriously happy. The pay is streets ahead of what I'm making currently, I'd be reunited with a few Udacity coworkers, and I'll be doing work that is meaningful and fulfilling. I'll be leaning into skills I've been wanting to develop for some time and getting paid to do it. You couldn't ask for a better gig.
And honestly, this opportunity is the thing that's pulling me out of my pot-induced slumber. It's something I want to be wholly present for. I never thought that money would be such a strong motivator for me, but...actually getting paid like I work in Silicon Valley encourages me to behave like a Silicon Valley worker. The current gig at TSS, with low pay and seemingly low expectations, means I have to be a lot more self-motivated than I am. But the lack of resources *combined* with the lack of motivation has left me languishing.
No matter what happens with the Homebridge application, I'm aiming to build myself up again. But I have to be deliberate, focused, and intentional. I have to develop a plan and stick to it. That's the hard part.
