Into the Great Wide Open
Oct. 4th, 2023 09:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeYesterday was fairly productive! I meditated right after waking up, went for a walk with K., jumped into work and even asked for more service orders (after doing some personal work in the morning I'll admit)! Then gym, Duolingo, reading, cooking (which took a very long time), the finale of Ahsoka, and more reading. I wanted to do laundry as well, but the laundry room under our apartment is cursed with clogged drains and the next closest is a bit of a hike with a full basket. So, if the drains aren't snaked before the weekend we'll have to wait until Saturday for that to happen.
I didn't write OR save the edits I made to my world map for the D&D game. With the map, I think I might be falling into the trap of needing things to be perfect. I'm following the process I've chosen to build it, but there's just something off about the way the mountain ranges are being laid down. But maybe the mountains will just look crappy until I add a few more details -- like shading in biomes with the brush tool, adding cliffs to the mountain ranges for depth, and adding points of interest. It can be hard to remember that this is still a work-in-progress and the finished product will be dope as hell, especially for a first attempt.
I did write an issue of the Marshmallow Ranch Gazette for the Patreon, which felt OK. I'll be making sure that any serial I release will be finished before I start posting, and that when I'm not posting the Gazette will be something of a "creative journal" where I talk about the things I AM working on instead. I think it makes the Patreon a bit more sustainable in its current form, and gives me the grace to handle storytelling at the pace that works for me.
Overall, it feels like I'm building momentum with the habits and my mindset is shifting from...avoidance and procrastination to finding solutions for the barriers keeping me from doing things. I know it's a process and still early days, but it feels like it's getting easier to make better decisions.
I'm trying to be better with my communication in general so that I'm more reliable and trustworthy. Part of that is learning how to ask for the things I need to maintain an equilibrium, setting boundaries, and admitting when I've made a mistake or tried to weasel my way out of a lie I'm caught in. I recognize a lot of these instincts come from a place of fear and trauma, but I'm not in that environment anymore. It's time to "re-parent" myself into learning lessons I didn't get to as a child.
The rubber is finally meeting the road on the insights I gained from my acid trips last year. I'm actively working on the things I don't like in myself while giving myself more grace about those things than I have before. I can more easily see the person I want to be, or at least the habits and systems to adopt that will get me there. And I'm learning to make pushing myself fun, so it feels more like play. Adapting to a tighter budget isn't a step down; it's finally learning how to scale back and be satisfied with less. Eating out less isn't depriving myself of the treats I've grown accustomed to; it's an opportunity to practice mindful eating, changing my relationship to food. Writing is a chance to clarify how I see things, learn how to be responsible with the attention of the audience -- not this impossible test where I fail if I don't tell this story perfectly.
There are obviously things that aren't going great in life. I still have a lot of work to do before I feel like a responsible adult. My job, while peaceful, is also very low-paying for someone my age and experience -- I know there's a better one out there. And my nesting instinct remains unsatisfied; there are so many home projects that it feels overwhelming thinking about it.
But I'm also learning how to change my self-talk to that of a gentle, but firm parental figure. Instead of berating myself for smoking pot, I'm trying to ask myself what happened and how I can show up better in the future. For now, it feels like the anxiety is finally ramping down.
I didn't write OR save the edits I made to my world map for the D&D game. With the map, I think I might be falling into the trap of needing things to be perfect. I'm following the process I've chosen to build it, but there's just something off about the way the mountain ranges are being laid down. But maybe the mountains will just look crappy until I add a few more details -- like shading in biomes with the brush tool, adding cliffs to the mountain ranges for depth, and adding points of interest. It can be hard to remember that this is still a work-in-progress and the finished product will be dope as hell, especially for a first attempt.
I did write an issue of the Marshmallow Ranch Gazette for the Patreon, which felt OK. I'll be making sure that any serial I release will be finished before I start posting, and that when I'm not posting the Gazette will be something of a "creative journal" where I talk about the things I AM working on instead. I think it makes the Patreon a bit more sustainable in its current form, and gives me the grace to handle storytelling at the pace that works for me.
Overall, it feels like I'm building momentum with the habits and my mindset is shifting from...avoidance and procrastination to finding solutions for the barriers keeping me from doing things. I know it's a process and still early days, but it feels like it's getting easier to make better decisions.
I'm trying to be better with my communication in general so that I'm more reliable and trustworthy. Part of that is learning how to ask for the things I need to maintain an equilibrium, setting boundaries, and admitting when I've made a mistake or tried to weasel my way out of a lie I'm caught in. I recognize a lot of these instincts come from a place of fear and trauma, but I'm not in that environment anymore. It's time to "re-parent" myself into learning lessons I didn't get to as a child.
The rubber is finally meeting the road on the insights I gained from my acid trips last year. I'm actively working on the things I don't like in myself while giving myself more grace about those things than I have before. I can more easily see the person I want to be, or at least the habits and systems to adopt that will get me there. And I'm learning to make pushing myself fun, so it feels more like play. Adapting to a tighter budget isn't a step down; it's finally learning how to scale back and be satisfied with less. Eating out less isn't depriving myself of the treats I've grown accustomed to; it's an opportunity to practice mindful eating, changing my relationship to food. Writing is a chance to clarify how I see things, learn how to be responsible with the attention of the audience -- not this impossible test where I fail if I don't tell this story perfectly.
There are obviously things that aren't going great in life. I still have a lot of work to do before I feel like a responsible adult. My job, while peaceful, is also very low-paying for someone my age and experience -- I know there's a better one out there. And my nesting instinct remains unsatisfied; there are so many home projects that it feels overwhelming thinking about it.
But I'm also learning how to change my self-talk to that of a gentle, but firm parental figure. Instead of berating myself for smoking pot, I'm trying to ask myself what happened and how I can show up better in the future. For now, it feels like the anxiety is finally ramping down.
