King and Lionheart
Sep. 18th, 2023 09:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
K. left for his annual family visit Friday evening, so R. and I are on our own for the next two weeks or so. We're also planning a D&D break during that time so suddenly our calendar is wide open! I'm being careful about filling it though. What I would like to do is spend as many evenings as possible writing, working on my game(s), catching up on TV and movies with R. but we'll play it by ear. I'm thinking that this might be a great opportunity to spend some quality time with the husboo.
One of his new friends, E., came over with an extra order of karaage on Friday night and we turned that into a showing of "Drop Dead Gorgeous", this old dark comedy from the 90s. It was a mockumentary about a small town's beauty pageant with a murderer's row of talent: Kirstey Alley, Kirsten Dunst, Amy Adams, Denise Richards, and Alison Janney are all major players. It's funny, but it's also pretty dark in ways that feel a little insensitive 30 years later. The word "retard" is common, and one of the judges is quite obviously a pedophile who never misses an opportunity to call the contestants "young girls". It's meant to be cringy, and most of the characters are obviously terrible people, but...it's surprising to revisit the cultural blind spots you didn't notice so much growing up.
On Saturday we went to the Santa Clara Art & Wine Festival, lovingly referred to as the "Junk and Drunk". E. tagged along with us for that along with K., R., and G. It was awesome to see him out of the house for a little while, and I hope he had a great time. It was fun for the most part, though it did feel like a shorter visit than usual. We spent a bit less time walking around the stalls, it seemed, but we did stock up on soy candles so it wasn't a waste. DA. was also there (another one of R's new friends); he showed up two hours earlier than our meeting time, so I played a round of Monster Prom with him. He was rejected by Liam the Vampire, while I went to the prom with Vera the Gorgon. Fun times!
Sunday, R. went up to the city for one last Beer Bash to close out the summer. It really does feel like the season's changing now, so I get the feeling we're getting into the autumnal/holiday mood. We also had a high conversation about our relationship, and I felt like we came to a closer understanding. He's brought up something that Mr. Ziggurat said during their hash-out earlier this summer a few times now, and I think that particular criticism has lodged into his brain. He was told that he doesn't treat me very well, and every time he brings it up he says "Mr. Ziggurat doesn't understand our vibe in a long-term relationship." This time, it was clear to me that it was self-soothing, a way to...ease the pain that observation caused. My instinct is to help with that, do what it takes to make him feel better.
But...it's also a good opportunity to talk about the ways I *do* feel unsupported in the relationship, and to acknowledge my own culpability. I think he recognizes that there are things he could be doing better, but I also don't step up to ask for what I need to progress on my own. He says that he wants to make sure he's not holding me back, and he's not to be honest. Ultimately I'm responsible for the progress (or lack thereof) I've made in my life. But it meant more than I thought it would to hear him say that he would enthusiastically support the ways in which I want to stretch myself.
It made me reconsider a lot of the conclusions I had come to over time, that he didn't really care about what I had to say or didn't really respect the things that mattered to me. I do think that we're on different wavelengths, but I also know that I'm not great at communication -- at least at the direct, earnest communication that tells people what I really think. Maybe being more mindful about what I say and how I'm saying it will...ease the friction there.
This is likely a story for another campfire, but I've been listening to a lot of psychology YT and it's helping me to see that I spend a lot of time -- especially in the company of others -- emotionally disregulated. I'm not sure if that's the proper term for it, but it means I tend to react more than respond, especially if I feel criticized, rejected, ganged up on. He acknowledged that it must be difficult to figure out what was rejection-sensitive dysphoria and what was a healthier sense of a boundary being overstepped, which...wow, it felt amazing to hear. It means he understands something of the dilemma I face in those situations, so I feel a bit more comfortable talking it through with him.
Overall, a really good weekend. I'm looking forward to putting in the work to make it a good week, too.
One of his new friends, E., came over with an extra order of karaage on Friday night and we turned that into a showing of "Drop Dead Gorgeous", this old dark comedy from the 90s. It was a mockumentary about a small town's beauty pageant with a murderer's row of talent: Kirstey Alley, Kirsten Dunst, Amy Adams, Denise Richards, and Alison Janney are all major players. It's funny, but it's also pretty dark in ways that feel a little insensitive 30 years later. The word "retard" is common, and one of the judges is quite obviously a pedophile who never misses an opportunity to call the contestants "young girls". It's meant to be cringy, and most of the characters are obviously terrible people, but...it's surprising to revisit the cultural blind spots you didn't notice so much growing up.
On Saturday we went to the Santa Clara Art & Wine Festival, lovingly referred to as the "Junk and Drunk". E. tagged along with us for that along with K., R., and G. It was awesome to see him out of the house for a little while, and I hope he had a great time. It was fun for the most part, though it did feel like a shorter visit than usual. We spent a bit less time walking around the stalls, it seemed, but we did stock up on soy candles so it wasn't a waste. DA. was also there (another one of R's new friends); he showed up two hours earlier than our meeting time, so I played a round of Monster Prom with him. He was rejected by Liam the Vampire, while I went to the prom with Vera the Gorgon. Fun times!
Sunday, R. went up to the city for one last Beer Bash to close out the summer. It really does feel like the season's changing now, so I get the feeling we're getting into the autumnal/holiday mood. We also had a high conversation about our relationship, and I felt like we came to a closer understanding. He's brought up something that Mr. Ziggurat said during their hash-out earlier this summer a few times now, and I think that particular criticism has lodged into his brain. He was told that he doesn't treat me very well, and every time he brings it up he says "Mr. Ziggurat doesn't understand our vibe in a long-term relationship." This time, it was clear to me that it was self-soothing, a way to...ease the pain that observation caused. My instinct is to help with that, do what it takes to make him feel better.
But...it's also a good opportunity to talk about the ways I *do* feel unsupported in the relationship, and to acknowledge my own culpability. I think he recognizes that there are things he could be doing better, but I also don't step up to ask for what I need to progress on my own. He says that he wants to make sure he's not holding me back, and he's not to be honest. Ultimately I'm responsible for the progress (or lack thereof) I've made in my life. But it meant more than I thought it would to hear him say that he would enthusiastically support the ways in which I want to stretch myself.
It made me reconsider a lot of the conclusions I had come to over time, that he didn't really care about what I had to say or didn't really respect the things that mattered to me. I do think that we're on different wavelengths, but I also know that I'm not great at communication -- at least at the direct, earnest communication that tells people what I really think. Maybe being more mindful about what I say and how I'm saying it will...ease the friction there.
This is likely a story for another campfire, but I've been listening to a lot of psychology YT and it's helping me to see that I spend a lot of time -- especially in the company of others -- emotionally disregulated. I'm not sure if that's the proper term for it, but it means I tend to react more than respond, especially if I feel criticized, rejected, ganged up on. He acknowledged that it must be difficult to figure out what was rejection-sensitive dysphoria and what was a healthier sense of a boundary being overstepped, which...wow, it felt amazing to hear. It means he understands something of the dilemma I face in those situations, so I feel a bit more comfortable talking it through with him.
Overall, a really good weekend. I'm looking forward to putting in the work to make it a good week, too.
