The Next Best Thing
Aug. 15th, 2023 09:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
I have not been keeping up my end of pretty much any bargain at all this month. With the day job, I'm steadily learning more about how to handle these tickets but I'm also spending an awful lot of time aimlessly searching for documentation, waiting for various systems to execute a command, or just...getting distracted by things like YouTube and solitaire. Whenever I think about knuckling down, I think about the two job offers that might be coming my way and it just doesn't feel like it's worth it. So I don't.
The month is just about half over and I haven't written a single word yet. I'm in the middle of a sex scene with Swiftie's Intergalactic (the Patreon serial) and the thought of diving back into it triggers this paralysis that makes me unable to continue. Part of it is I haven't had a lot of time to do my own thing, and what free time I have has been devoted to Final Fantasy XIV and Baldur's Gate 3. Even then, I only play those for snatches of 15 or 30 minutes at a time.
I'm also running an Unlicensed Adventures game this Friday that I have not prepared for. I've written myself into a bit of a corner with the current plot, and I need to devote some time to mapping out as much of the rest of the campaign as I can. There are enough dangling plot threads, player-character connections, and worldbuilding that I've got fertile soil for the rest of the story to grow. It really is just a matter of cultivation.
But that triggers the same paralysis response in me. Whenever I try to make these big, overarching plans, there's this voice in the back of my head usually telling me that I'll miss some obvious and story-breaking plothole that my players will find immediately, so why put in all of this work to do something that's just going to get shot down anyway?
I think the reason I'm not writing is that I'm so worried about other people thinking my stories are stupid, incomprehensible, too weird, not worth reading. In fact, it feels like I've already determined that to be the outcome. Like, the best I can do most of the time is tell that voice it's a distortion and try to put it out of my mind. But if I'm using my willpower to handle other stressors I don't have an awful lot left for that kind of work.
D&D games in general have been a little stressful. I'm sure it's mostly our attitudes being brought to the table, but it feels like most of the campaigns are in the doldrums so to speak. When I think about individual campaigns I can see that's not true -- but maybe everyone's a little stressed and distracted, so we're not bringing our best selves to the group.
And to be honest I'm not entirely sure what there is to be stressed about beyond the usual. And, of course, the usual is reason enough. :) I know that in these situations I tend to feel better when I'm actively improving the situation, so I'm trying to shift my focus towards that. You know, when I'm not sure what to do with myself, just do "the next best thing".
There are a lot of those! It's just a matter of retraining the brain to see those opportunities instead of staying on the vaguely-discontent train I usually run on. Laundry needs to be done, there are so many places one can spot-clean, and even when I'm at the computer there's a bunch of stuff I could be doing -- like buying a power cable for my MacBook Pro, or a wireless mouse for my new work laptop. I could return the drawer organizers I purchased from Amazon but turned out to be too small. I could make sure that my spending log is updated and my monthly budget is still on track. All of that.
That reminds me...an ADHD YouTuber offered an interesting alternative to scheduling and to-do lists that I think might work out well. Basically, you create different calendars for different priorities. She chose a "grading" theme: Appointments, Bottlenecks, Critical Actions, Daily Routine, and Flexible Ideals.
Appointments are non-negotiable events that can't be moved or delayed. Doctor's appointments, work meetings, that sort of thing. Bottlenecks are for things that need to be done before the next "phase" of something can begin. Critical Actions are for those things that progress your top two or three goals/ideals. Daily Routine is for those daily things you want to do (meditation, exercise, showering, face, etc.), and Flexible Ideal is for your "best self". Like, if your productivity had a stretch goal, it'd go here.
I really dig it; one of the things that have been missing from my system is a way to marry actions to time. I know that I want to post a Patreon serial each week, but how long would it take every week to make sure that happens? Or I know that I spend time cooking and cleaning the kitchen pretty much every day, but how much time does it take to do that and how much of those kinds of activities crowd out others?
So I'll give it a go and see how it works out. I might even post a screenshot of the calendar once I'm happy with the schedule.
Today, I think it's all about taking those baby steps to re-establish things. Making time to write, plan, organize, so I can deliver the things I want to when I say I will. It's such a simple thing, but for someone like me it's a lifelong struggle to be able to manage it consistently.
The month is just about half over and I haven't written a single word yet. I'm in the middle of a sex scene with Swiftie's Intergalactic (the Patreon serial) and the thought of diving back into it triggers this paralysis that makes me unable to continue. Part of it is I haven't had a lot of time to do my own thing, and what free time I have has been devoted to Final Fantasy XIV and Baldur's Gate 3. Even then, I only play those for snatches of 15 or 30 minutes at a time.
I'm also running an Unlicensed Adventures game this Friday that I have not prepared for. I've written myself into a bit of a corner with the current plot, and I need to devote some time to mapping out as much of the rest of the campaign as I can. There are enough dangling plot threads, player-character connections, and worldbuilding that I've got fertile soil for the rest of the story to grow. It really is just a matter of cultivation.
But that triggers the same paralysis response in me. Whenever I try to make these big, overarching plans, there's this voice in the back of my head usually telling me that I'll miss some obvious and story-breaking plothole that my players will find immediately, so why put in all of this work to do something that's just going to get shot down anyway?
I think the reason I'm not writing is that I'm so worried about other people thinking my stories are stupid, incomprehensible, too weird, not worth reading. In fact, it feels like I've already determined that to be the outcome. Like, the best I can do most of the time is tell that voice it's a distortion and try to put it out of my mind. But if I'm using my willpower to handle other stressors I don't have an awful lot left for that kind of work.
D&D games in general have been a little stressful. I'm sure it's mostly our attitudes being brought to the table, but it feels like most of the campaigns are in the doldrums so to speak. When I think about individual campaigns I can see that's not true -- but maybe everyone's a little stressed and distracted, so we're not bringing our best selves to the group.
And to be honest I'm not entirely sure what there is to be stressed about beyond the usual. And, of course, the usual is reason enough. :) I know that in these situations I tend to feel better when I'm actively improving the situation, so I'm trying to shift my focus towards that. You know, when I'm not sure what to do with myself, just do "the next best thing".
There are a lot of those! It's just a matter of retraining the brain to see those opportunities instead of staying on the vaguely-discontent train I usually run on. Laundry needs to be done, there are so many places one can spot-clean, and even when I'm at the computer there's a bunch of stuff I could be doing -- like buying a power cable for my MacBook Pro, or a wireless mouse for my new work laptop. I could return the drawer organizers I purchased from Amazon but turned out to be too small. I could make sure that my spending log is updated and my monthly budget is still on track. All of that.
That reminds me...an ADHD YouTuber offered an interesting alternative to scheduling and to-do lists that I think might work out well. Basically, you create different calendars for different priorities. She chose a "grading" theme: Appointments, Bottlenecks, Critical Actions, Daily Routine, and Flexible Ideals.
Appointments are non-negotiable events that can't be moved or delayed. Doctor's appointments, work meetings, that sort of thing. Bottlenecks are for things that need to be done before the next "phase" of something can begin. Critical Actions are for those things that progress your top two or three goals/ideals. Daily Routine is for those daily things you want to do (meditation, exercise, showering, face, etc.), and Flexible Ideal is for your "best self". Like, if your productivity had a stretch goal, it'd go here.
I really dig it; one of the things that have been missing from my system is a way to marry actions to time. I know that I want to post a Patreon serial each week, but how long would it take every week to make sure that happens? Or I know that I spend time cooking and cleaning the kitchen pretty much every day, but how much time does it take to do that and how much of those kinds of activities crowd out others?
So I'll give it a go and see how it works out. I might even post a screenshot of the calendar once I'm happy with the schedule.
Today, I think it's all about taking those baby steps to re-establish things. Making time to write, plan, organize, so I can deliver the things I want to when I say I will. It's such a simple thing, but for someone like me it's a lifelong struggle to be able to manage it consistently.
