What Can I Say?
Aug. 11th, 2023 08:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeTalking with a friend yesterday dredged up this weird memory I had during a recent acid trip and had subsequently forgotten. I was playing with his dog, tossing a toy so he could bring it back, and there was something about the quiet, contented sounds I made that reminded me of my childhood. I don't think I had the exact same experience with my dog growing up, but it was close enough to have unlocked something.
I remember being alone a lot as a kid because it was the only way I felt safe. Most of the time growing up I never felt wanted or loved, and I think I learned that the best thing would be to limit contact with others and be as invisible as possible elsewhere. If I were quiet no one would have to pay attention to me, because I had learned that most attention was bad attention.
It puts a lot of feelings I have now into place. Even though I do crave love and recognition, I blanche at being the focal point of anything. I'd prefer small, intimate gestures of affection because it allows me to experience it in my own personal bubble. It's hard for me to balance a healthy self-image because I always think of myself as this feral urban goblin whose lot in life was to be despised. When people compliment me it's...easier to feel good about doing something good. It never internalizes into a feeling of "I'm good." I'm not. It's best if I limit contact and try to be as invisible as possible.
I wonder if that's why I'm so terrible at being social these days. It's hard for me to carry on a conversation, even online, without feeling like my social batteries are being drained. I'm not happy about that; I'd much rather be able to have fun, intimate conversations with friends without feeling like I've run a gauntlet at the end of the day. And maybe now that I know why I have this...foundational instinct to avoid people it gives me a chance to deal with that. Fingers crossed, anyway.
Part of the issue is focus. So much energy is devoted to keeping my focus on what I should be doing throughout the day that it feels like I don't have much left over for anything else. But there's a part of me that makes fun of this idea too: oh look, the wilting flower barely has enough energy to deal with his dozens of fans. :P
I guess I'm just unpacking a lot right now. I want to be a happier and more confident person, more thoughtful with friends, more generous with my time. And sorting through my own damage to deal with it is...a bit messier than I'm prepared for right now. But still, there's never a good time to poke at an old wound, is there?
I remember being alone a lot as a kid because it was the only way I felt safe. Most of the time growing up I never felt wanted or loved, and I think I learned that the best thing would be to limit contact with others and be as invisible as possible elsewhere. If I were quiet no one would have to pay attention to me, because I had learned that most attention was bad attention.
It puts a lot of feelings I have now into place. Even though I do crave love and recognition, I blanche at being the focal point of anything. I'd prefer small, intimate gestures of affection because it allows me to experience it in my own personal bubble. It's hard for me to balance a healthy self-image because I always think of myself as this feral urban goblin whose lot in life was to be despised. When people compliment me it's...easier to feel good about doing something good. It never internalizes into a feeling of "I'm good." I'm not. It's best if I limit contact and try to be as invisible as possible.
I wonder if that's why I'm so terrible at being social these days. It's hard for me to carry on a conversation, even online, without feeling like my social batteries are being drained. I'm not happy about that; I'd much rather be able to have fun, intimate conversations with friends without feeling like I've run a gauntlet at the end of the day. And maybe now that I know why I have this...foundational instinct to avoid people it gives me a chance to deal with that. Fingers crossed, anyway.
Part of the issue is focus. So much energy is devoted to keeping my focus on what I should be doing throughout the day that it feels like I don't have much left over for anything else. But there's a part of me that makes fun of this idea too: oh look, the wilting flower barely has enough energy to deal with his dozens of fans. :P
I guess I'm just unpacking a lot right now. I want to be a happier and more confident person, more thoughtful with friends, more generous with my time. And sorting through my own damage to deal with it is...a bit messier than I'm prepared for right now. But still, there's never a good time to poke at an old wound, is there?
