Day 63: I'd Ask to Switch Our Places
Jun. 22nd, 2023 09:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeI had a pretty good talk with a friend yesterday about my sexual preferences. I realize that I'm talking a LOT about sex and arousal these days, so apologies if that's not the kind of thing you like reading about. But it is top of mind for a few different reasons.
R. is definitely in a "high-activity" state, let's say, and it highlights the differences in our libidos. Because he's been so open about it -- and most of our friends are casually sex-positive as well -- it's made me a lot more thoughtful about my own journey. We're in an open relationship, of course, because I know that I won't be able to fulfill those specific needs. Every time he expresses a deeper interest, I instinctively check back in with my feelings about the whole thing because they've historically been difficult to untangle.
The most immediate thought goes to my body and its inherent unattractiveness. I've never paid attention to my physical appearance and it shows; I'm curvy in all the wrong places, noodly in others. My head is often unshaven so I sport a prominent neck-beard and my posture's all jacked up from sitting all day so I have that unhealthy hunch posture. I just can't imagine anyone would find me attractive or want to be intimate with me when I'm like this.
Beneath that is the unresolved trauma of being molested. Some of my earliest sexual encounters were with people who wouldn't take "no" for an answer, or with people who were forward when I was in a very vulnerable and unreceptive position. My instinctive response when someone tries to touch me is to shrink back and hide, to stop what's happening as quickly as possible. Every sexual encounter I've had requires me to actively push past that response, so at best I'm actually able to be present with my partner -- and while the physical sensation is enjoyable, it usually ends with this laundry list of things I did wrong, or had to have been disappointing for my partner.
And beneath THAT is just...what feels like my preference. Maybe at this point, my upbringing as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, combined with my experiences, combined with my body image issues, combined with my natural inclinations...just makes sexual intimacy off the table for me. Thinking about what I'd love to have happen, it would be neat to be able to be physically close to people without the "danger" of it turning to a sexual direction. I do like touching and being touched, but I'm just not in a place where I can be comfortable having sex with someone else.
Talking that through with my friend helped me make peace with that idea, that maybe sex isn't for me. At the same time, I can take care of the other things preventing me from being more physical with people. I can work through the trauma by being open about it and expressing a desire to be more intimate with my friends. I can take better care of my body by being more mindful of my diet and more consistent with my exercise. It's late in the game for me, but it's never too late to start treating yourself better, is it?
I couldn't get myself to write yesterday. I know that I won't like the few hundred words I wrote the other day and will likely start from scratch today, but that's fine. Working through Deimo's headspace helps me to imagine how the scene unfolds a bit more clearly so hopefully there won't be too much trouble getting to the "good stuff". I know that once I'm committed to putting words on the page things will flow better; it's just a matter of getting over that hump.
Just finished the California Re-Employment orientation. It was actually a bit surprising. There are more resources available than I thought, including a state-funded program that would let me get training for a different position. As long as I sign up for the program through the state, my unemployment benefits would continue AND I wouldn't have to look for work as long as I was being trained. I'd love to use the opportunity to get into mental-health services, but who knows how long that would take? The state likely wouldn't be able to pay for all of the classes, and I really don't think I'd ultimately be able to live on the $1600/mo unemployment provides. It's definitely a conversation to have with the guys; it's unclear if I'd be able to join the program and ultimately land a job, so maybe a paycheck comes first.
In the meantime, there are a number of learning resources available to me. There's LinkedIn Learning, ALISON -- an online portal from CALJobs, and even my old Udacity Nanodegree program on SQL. Any one of those resources would be tremendously helpful for upskilling, so it's really just a matter of picking one and sticking with it.
Right now ALISON feels like the sweet spot between learning actionable skills in a relatively short amount of time. There's an IT course that would be low-key perfect; I'm hoping it puts me well on my way toward getting COMPTIA certification, which will open up entry-level IT positions for me. IT is steady work, and the skills I'd learn would definitely be transferrable. Besides, at this point, learning more about computers feels imperative in this brave new world.
I have an interview for the QC Analyst position after lunch. I'm excited, but also nervous! I think this job will be a bit of a stretch for me, but the pay is also...a lot less than what I'm used to making. Even if I get the position, things will be lean for a little while.
R. is definitely in a "high-activity" state, let's say, and it highlights the differences in our libidos. Because he's been so open about it -- and most of our friends are casually sex-positive as well -- it's made me a lot more thoughtful about my own journey. We're in an open relationship, of course, because I know that I won't be able to fulfill those specific needs. Every time he expresses a deeper interest, I instinctively check back in with my feelings about the whole thing because they've historically been difficult to untangle.
The most immediate thought goes to my body and its inherent unattractiveness. I've never paid attention to my physical appearance and it shows; I'm curvy in all the wrong places, noodly in others. My head is often unshaven so I sport a prominent neck-beard and my posture's all jacked up from sitting all day so I have that unhealthy hunch posture. I just can't imagine anyone would find me attractive or want to be intimate with me when I'm like this.
Beneath that is the unresolved trauma of being molested. Some of my earliest sexual encounters were with people who wouldn't take "no" for an answer, or with people who were forward when I was in a very vulnerable and unreceptive position. My instinctive response when someone tries to touch me is to shrink back and hide, to stop what's happening as quickly as possible. Every sexual encounter I've had requires me to actively push past that response, so at best I'm actually able to be present with my partner -- and while the physical sensation is enjoyable, it usually ends with this laundry list of things I did wrong, or had to have been disappointing for my partner.
And beneath THAT is just...what feels like my preference. Maybe at this point, my upbringing as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, combined with my experiences, combined with my body image issues, combined with my natural inclinations...just makes sexual intimacy off the table for me. Thinking about what I'd love to have happen, it would be neat to be able to be physically close to people without the "danger" of it turning to a sexual direction. I do like touching and being touched, but I'm just not in a place where I can be comfortable having sex with someone else.
Talking that through with my friend helped me make peace with that idea, that maybe sex isn't for me. At the same time, I can take care of the other things preventing me from being more physical with people. I can work through the trauma by being open about it and expressing a desire to be more intimate with my friends. I can take better care of my body by being more mindful of my diet and more consistent with my exercise. It's late in the game for me, but it's never too late to start treating yourself better, is it?
I couldn't get myself to write yesterday. I know that I won't like the few hundred words I wrote the other day and will likely start from scratch today, but that's fine. Working through Deimo's headspace helps me to imagine how the scene unfolds a bit more clearly so hopefully there won't be too much trouble getting to the "good stuff". I know that once I'm committed to putting words on the page things will flow better; it's just a matter of getting over that hump.
Just finished the California Re-Employment orientation. It was actually a bit surprising. There are more resources available than I thought, including a state-funded program that would let me get training for a different position. As long as I sign up for the program through the state, my unemployment benefits would continue AND I wouldn't have to look for work as long as I was being trained. I'd love to use the opportunity to get into mental-health services, but who knows how long that would take? The state likely wouldn't be able to pay for all of the classes, and I really don't think I'd ultimately be able to live on the $1600/mo unemployment provides. It's definitely a conversation to have with the guys; it's unclear if I'd be able to join the program and ultimately land a job, so maybe a paycheck comes first.
In the meantime, there are a number of learning resources available to me. There's LinkedIn Learning, ALISON -- an online portal from CALJobs, and even my old Udacity Nanodegree program on SQL. Any one of those resources would be tremendously helpful for upskilling, so it's really just a matter of picking one and sticking with it.
Right now ALISON feels like the sweet spot between learning actionable skills in a relatively short amount of time. There's an IT course that would be low-key perfect; I'm hoping it puts me well on my way toward getting COMPTIA certification, which will open up entry-level IT positions for me. IT is steady work, and the skills I'd learn would definitely be transferrable. Besides, at this point, learning more about computers feels imperative in this brave new world.
I have an interview for the QC Analyst position after lunch. I'm excited, but also nervous! I think this job will be a bit of a stretch for me, but the pay is also...a lot less than what I'm used to making. Even if I get the position, things will be lean for a little while.
