Day 36: I Want You to Be Happier
May. 26th, 2023 10:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeToday is the end of my t-break. I may smoke a bowl of marijuana before our Kobold game, or more likely afterward when we're settling in to watch the latest finale of Survivor. I will definitely partake of pot when we head up to the mountains around Sacramento for a big Memorial Day shindig with a number of friends.
Honestly, I've learned the value of making sure pot is a sometimes food. I can definitely think more clearly and be more disciplined with less of it in my system, and my time away from it has validated the thought that I can't get nearly as much done when I'm smoking as I think. It's useful to experiment with writing or cleaning while high, just to dispel the idea that I'm completely unable to do anything productive, but it's...way better to not be high in the first place while writing and cleaning.
It feels really good to be more mindful of your surroundings and more in touch with what the people around you need. There are so many small ways to improve any situation you're in, and it might not be immediately obvious when I'm high. Mostly, I just want to float along in that hazy, feel-good space. I imagine it's what being an opium addict feels like, come to think of it.
This weekend will cap off my first full month of unemployment, so it's a good time to reflect on what I've been up to since then. I think I'm building a good rhythm with being productive at last, taking advantage of my natural rhythms to do the hard stuff up front and saving more relaxed or tedious work for the afternoon. If there are reports or data collection/analysis things to do at my next position, I've got a reasonably good idea of how to schedule my workload.
I also directly see the benefits of being more disciplined and conscientious about my work. Making sure I hold myself accountable in my Bullet Journal, adding a "laundry list" of small errandy things on my plate, and encouraging myself to be more responsible through self-talk has made a difference. I want to be the person who does the things he says, when he says he'll do it. I've spent a lifetime building adaptive habits around my anxiety that makes that very hard. I know I can change, but it's going to take time and patient understanding with myself to make it happen.
So in June I'll try to build on the progress I've made this month. I'd like to really dig in to making writing (and reading!) a daily habit, and to find better ways to occupy myself in those liminal minutes where I'm waiting for something else. For example, when I'm waiting for coffee or tea to steep, or for a dish to finish cooking, I've reached for Duolingo instead of Marvel Puzzle Quest or social media. The New York Times Games app, which features a Spelling Bee, Wordle, and the crossword, feel like more productive games to me because they emphasize the malleability of words, building vocabulary, making connections and improving recall. Collecting Marvel superheroes and matching three is fun and all, but those games make me feel more like a writer in a way. Learning how to play with words again takes a lot of pressure off when I'm doing the same thing elsewhere.
That being said, there are issues. Earlier this week I had a "rainbow" for the first time in ages -- that's where I actually fill in all six squares on my monthly habit tracker for writing, reading, meditation, exercise, study, and grooming. I wasn't able to keep the chain going on most of them the next day, and that's been a consistent problem for me. I can never string two days together where everything falls into place, so that's my next mountain to climb.
And with marijuana back on the table, that might be an even more difficult mountain to climb. I could easily see myself falling back into my old habits where the pull of it draws me back in and lulls me into thinking I can be just as productive while high. I know better, but I also know that the persistent voice in the back of my brain will one day deplete my willpower and I'll slip. I'm caught in this weird intention where I don't want to berate myself too heavily for making that mistake, but I also want to do everything I can to keep from doing it.
Which brings me back to the realization that I need to keep building that willpower and resolve. I can't expect too much in June; I won't suddenly become a perfect writing machine in a month or two. But I can expect a better month than this one, with more boxes checked, more time spent reshaping my habits, more energy spent appreciating the little day-to-day victories.
I also want to devote more energy to the job search, being targeted and building my network using the tools I have. I don't have any experience or a decent portfolio for copywriting, marketing, and editing, so a lot of deliberate practice will go to crafting a message for an audience and trying to make a decent impact doing it. I know I'm not the most persuasive person in the world, but it is a skill I can build with enough attention. Making my blog a bit more "public-facing" is a step in the right direction, so I'll have to think deeply about where I'd like to go with it and how to make that happen. Furries aren't necessarily the pariahs we once were and it'd be cool to be more open about that, but I also want to rebuild a reputation of trust and earnest, honest communication.
For now, I'm taking a few days off to just be. I'll keep building good habits over the weekend; my goal is to at least meditate while I'm there and get in at least 30 minutes of writing each day.
Honestly, I've learned the value of making sure pot is a sometimes food. I can definitely think more clearly and be more disciplined with less of it in my system, and my time away from it has validated the thought that I can't get nearly as much done when I'm smoking as I think. It's useful to experiment with writing or cleaning while high, just to dispel the idea that I'm completely unable to do anything productive, but it's...way better to not be high in the first place while writing and cleaning.
It feels really good to be more mindful of your surroundings and more in touch with what the people around you need. There are so many small ways to improve any situation you're in, and it might not be immediately obvious when I'm high. Mostly, I just want to float along in that hazy, feel-good space. I imagine it's what being an opium addict feels like, come to think of it.
This weekend will cap off my first full month of unemployment, so it's a good time to reflect on what I've been up to since then. I think I'm building a good rhythm with being productive at last, taking advantage of my natural rhythms to do the hard stuff up front and saving more relaxed or tedious work for the afternoon. If there are reports or data collection/analysis things to do at my next position, I've got a reasonably good idea of how to schedule my workload.
I also directly see the benefits of being more disciplined and conscientious about my work. Making sure I hold myself accountable in my Bullet Journal, adding a "laundry list" of small errandy things on my plate, and encouraging myself to be more responsible through self-talk has made a difference. I want to be the person who does the things he says, when he says he'll do it. I've spent a lifetime building adaptive habits around my anxiety that makes that very hard. I know I can change, but it's going to take time and patient understanding with myself to make it happen.
So in June I'll try to build on the progress I've made this month. I'd like to really dig in to making writing (and reading!) a daily habit, and to find better ways to occupy myself in those liminal minutes where I'm waiting for something else. For example, when I'm waiting for coffee or tea to steep, or for a dish to finish cooking, I've reached for Duolingo instead of Marvel Puzzle Quest or social media. The New York Times Games app, which features a Spelling Bee, Wordle, and the crossword, feel like more productive games to me because they emphasize the malleability of words, building vocabulary, making connections and improving recall. Collecting Marvel superheroes and matching three is fun and all, but those games make me feel more like a writer in a way. Learning how to play with words again takes a lot of pressure off when I'm doing the same thing elsewhere.
That being said, there are issues. Earlier this week I had a "rainbow" for the first time in ages -- that's where I actually fill in all six squares on my monthly habit tracker for writing, reading, meditation, exercise, study, and grooming. I wasn't able to keep the chain going on most of them the next day, and that's been a consistent problem for me. I can never string two days together where everything falls into place, so that's my next mountain to climb.
And with marijuana back on the table, that might be an even more difficult mountain to climb. I could easily see myself falling back into my old habits where the pull of it draws me back in and lulls me into thinking I can be just as productive while high. I know better, but I also know that the persistent voice in the back of my brain will one day deplete my willpower and I'll slip. I'm caught in this weird intention where I don't want to berate myself too heavily for making that mistake, but I also want to do everything I can to keep from doing it.
Which brings me back to the realization that I need to keep building that willpower and resolve. I can't expect too much in June; I won't suddenly become a perfect writing machine in a month or two. But I can expect a better month than this one, with more boxes checked, more time spent reshaping my habits, more energy spent appreciating the little day-to-day victories.
I also want to devote more energy to the job search, being targeted and building my network using the tools I have. I don't have any experience or a decent portfolio for copywriting, marketing, and editing, so a lot of deliberate practice will go to crafting a message for an audience and trying to make a decent impact doing it. I know I'm not the most persuasive person in the world, but it is a skill I can build with enough attention. Making my blog a bit more "public-facing" is a step in the right direction, so I'll have to think deeply about where I'd like to go with it and how to make that happen. Furries aren't necessarily the pariahs we once were and it'd be cool to be more open about that, but I also want to rebuild a reputation of trust and earnest, honest communication.
For now, I'm taking a few days off to just be. I'll keep building good habits over the weekend; my goal is to at least meditate while I'm there and get in at least 30 minutes of writing each day.
