Day 26: I'm The Problem It's Me
May. 16th, 2023 09:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeJust received another rejection this morning, this time from charity:water. Again, another moonshot application so I'm not too disappointed. Mostly I'm glad they responded -- it always feels better to know that opportunity is closed instead of having to wait indefinitely for an answer that will never come.
I spoke with a friend about my applications to Stanford, and he says I shouldn't worry about the lack of response so far. Depending on the department, things move very slowly. However, checking back over my last several applications to them I see they were filled without a response to my application at all. Now when I go and check on the status of my most recent attempts I have to wade through a graveyard of old applications that I can't get rid of. Not the most encouraging exercise, for sure.
A friend of R.'s has many, many contacts and is willing to help out where she can, and for that I'm grateful. Who knows if anything will turn up there, but every little bit helps.
Honestly I feel very vulnerable right now. It's tough to believe in yourself when you're constantly telling the world why you're great and getting met with stony silence. I get the reality of the situation and know I shouldn't expect an answer every time, but it just rubs me the wrong way. The longer the job search goes on, the more my resume feels like a paper-thin document that's useless without some kind of degree. It's not a great feeling, but you have to soldier on regardless.
To keep myself out of my head I'm working on a schedule that will help me be as productive as possible. I keep downplaying the fact that I'm a morning person, which is a mistake. I'll do my best writing in the morning, so that's when I should write. Period. I know this can be incompatible with the schedule of my loved ones, but...I'm going to need to carve out that space for myself and stop making excuses for not doing it.
I'm also devoting more time to the SQL Nanodegree program so I can hopefully graduate and move on to another program. I could keep going down the track of Business Analytics easily enough, or I could double back and work on my Introduction to Programming Nanodegree. Either way, one of those should carry me through the rest of the summer and it'll feel good to have new skills under my belt come September, new job or not.
I've never been good at being slow and steady. I'm much more of a random burst of action toward whatever interests me kind of guy. I wish I could be more calm, focused, and reliable, but it's just not in me. I've struggled my whole life to channel my energy to more productive ends and while I've made some strides there's still a frustratingly long way to go. I still feel like I make the wrong choices more often than not.
That internal struggle against the inner voice takes up a lot of cycles, which leaves fewer spoons to pursue relationships. Even though I have more time than ever I end up talking to friends less often because what is there to say? Still looking for a job. Still trying to stave off depression. Not trying to worry about how much harder all of this will be when my Adderall runs out and I'm left trying to wrangle some semblance of executive function on my own.
At least the marijuana break is going well. :) The cravings have stopped and I'm largely OK. I'm not sure if I feel clearer or not, but I've been having vivid dreams the last few nights -- about Mom, and old stomping grounds turned into these non-Euclidean spaces. The backyard of the first house I've ever lived in, only with a shed that was never there before and weird hazards at the fences. Bees, or stinging flowers. There's always a pathetic, ignored dog too, desperate for attention but dangerous for some reason. Diseased, or half-mad, or poisoned. I simultaneously want to care for it and avoid it; I know I don't have the tools to make it better, and whatever comfort I could offer would come at the cost of my own well-being. So I ignore it the way everyone else does, but I can't ignore that guilty feeling.
That weighs on me in the irrational way that dreams do, too. I feel like I'm neglecting something important, mostly due to my inability to be whatever that thing demands of me. That feeling of inadequacy and shame follows me through the morning, so I have this massive cloud over me while I'm scrolling through job postings.
I'm hoping that writing first thing instead will give me a relatively easy win that provides a bit more momentum instead. But there's also a lot of fear wrapped up in writing too. I know I'm not as good at that as I'd like to be. Still though, learning to enjoy the process, that steady commitment of words to paper, might be just the thing to get me out of this mild funk. I hope so, anyway.
So today is writing, then cleaning, job applications in the afternoon, a bit of exercise, and study until R. gets home. It's not a bad schedule, even though I should have started all of this two hours earlier. Recently I've found it hard to get properly started before 9 AM for some reason. I wake up at 7, but for some reason I'm unwilling to face the day until 9.
I spoke with a friend about my applications to Stanford, and he says I shouldn't worry about the lack of response so far. Depending on the department, things move very slowly. However, checking back over my last several applications to them I see they were filled without a response to my application at all. Now when I go and check on the status of my most recent attempts I have to wade through a graveyard of old applications that I can't get rid of. Not the most encouraging exercise, for sure.
A friend of R.'s has many, many contacts and is willing to help out where she can, and for that I'm grateful. Who knows if anything will turn up there, but every little bit helps.
Honestly I feel very vulnerable right now. It's tough to believe in yourself when you're constantly telling the world why you're great and getting met with stony silence. I get the reality of the situation and know I shouldn't expect an answer every time, but it just rubs me the wrong way. The longer the job search goes on, the more my resume feels like a paper-thin document that's useless without some kind of degree. It's not a great feeling, but you have to soldier on regardless.
To keep myself out of my head I'm working on a schedule that will help me be as productive as possible. I keep downplaying the fact that I'm a morning person, which is a mistake. I'll do my best writing in the morning, so that's when I should write. Period. I know this can be incompatible with the schedule of my loved ones, but...I'm going to need to carve out that space for myself and stop making excuses for not doing it.
I'm also devoting more time to the SQL Nanodegree program so I can hopefully graduate and move on to another program. I could keep going down the track of Business Analytics easily enough, or I could double back and work on my Introduction to Programming Nanodegree. Either way, one of those should carry me through the rest of the summer and it'll feel good to have new skills under my belt come September, new job or not.
I've never been good at being slow and steady. I'm much more of a random burst of action toward whatever interests me kind of guy. I wish I could be more calm, focused, and reliable, but it's just not in me. I've struggled my whole life to channel my energy to more productive ends and while I've made some strides there's still a frustratingly long way to go. I still feel like I make the wrong choices more often than not.
That internal struggle against the inner voice takes up a lot of cycles, which leaves fewer spoons to pursue relationships. Even though I have more time than ever I end up talking to friends less often because what is there to say? Still looking for a job. Still trying to stave off depression. Not trying to worry about how much harder all of this will be when my Adderall runs out and I'm left trying to wrangle some semblance of executive function on my own.
At least the marijuana break is going well. :) The cravings have stopped and I'm largely OK. I'm not sure if I feel clearer or not, but I've been having vivid dreams the last few nights -- about Mom, and old stomping grounds turned into these non-Euclidean spaces. The backyard of the first house I've ever lived in, only with a shed that was never there before and weird hazards at the fences. Bees, or stinging flowers. There's always a pathetic, ignored dog too, desperate for attention but dangerous for some reason. Diseased, or half-mad, or poisoned. I simultaneously want to care for it and avoid it; I know I don't have the tools to make it better, and whatever comfort I could offer would come at the cost of my own well-being. So I ignore it the way everyone else does, but I can't ignore that guilty feeling.
That weighs on me in the irrational way that dreams do, too. I feel like I'm neglecting something important, mostly due to my inability to be whatever that thing demands of me. That feeling of inadequacy and shame follows me through the morning, so I have this massive cloud over me while I'm scrolling through job postings.
I'm hoping that writing first thing instead will give me a relatively easy win that provides a bit more momentum instead. But there's also a lot of fear wrapped up in writing too. I know I'm not as good at that as I'd like to be. Still though, learning to enjoy the process, that steady commitment of words to paper, might be just the thing to get me out of this mild funk. I hope so, anyway.
So today is writing, then cleaning, job applications in the afternoon, a bit of exercise, and study until R. gets home. It's not a bad schedule, even though I should have started all of this two hours earlier. Recently I've found it hard to get properly started before 9 AM for some reason. I wake up at 7, but for some reason I'm unwilling to face the day until 9.
