Day 25 of 107: Back on the Horse
May. 15th, 2023 08:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeI fell off a bit last week and I'm not sure why. My best guess is that the old self-sabotage protocols fired up once I thought I had a decent rhythm going. For some reason, when I think of myself doing the same thing day after day my brain just...rebels. As much as I'd like to be I'm just not a creature cut out for routine.
During these times it's very difficult to focus on the present moment. I just want to think of anything else, be anywhere else. Maybe I just don't want to see myself as someone who is physically or mentally incapable of being just where I am even if that's the truth. I don't think it used to be this way, but something has exacerbated the slippery nature of my monkey mind. And if I've gotten worse over time, perhaps there's some small part of me that thinks it can get better.
And if I can, this is the process. Acknowledge when I've gotten caught up in thinking or feeling, and take the monkey back to the present. It may be that I'm constantly fighting with it, leashing it back to what's happening here and now, and it will never be second nature to me. But I know I get closer to my potential the more I do it, so the work continues.
It's surprising to me that it's almost been a month since I've been laid off. I'm two days away from being one-quarter into the goal of having a job by my birthday, and it's a little sobering. I've turned in 20 applications since then and haven't gotten an interview. That shouldn't be surprising, I suppose, given the state of the job market in Silicon Valley. But it is concerning. I would have liked to get at least one interview by now, or at least feel like there's some momentum being built somewhere. But so far my network has come up dry and I've only gotten one response -- a rejection from the School of Traditional Skills. It's a homesteading outfit based in ID and I knew I'd be a long shot for it. I'm glad I got a personalized rejection at least, so I can cross it off my list.
The applications to Stanford haven't yielded anything yet, but hope springs eternal there. I'll have to check in with my network there for a sense of where they are in the fulfillment process and whether I've got a shot. I'm not expecting to hear anything back from SJSU, even though I'm fairly sure I fulfill the requirements of the position. The university has always moved incredibly slowly, and I've never heard back from them when I've applied before. Why should this time be any different?
To be honest this is the worst part of applying to places. I'm sure that the stretched-thin HR folks just don't have the bandwidth to respond to every application, but it's demoralizing to put in so much time and effort to constructing an application just to receive silence in return. At least if I get a response I can try something different -- go back to retool my resume, for example, or learn how to project my experience and skills despite the lack of a college degree. But there's just not a lot to go on. I have no idea if my predicament is because the market is flooded with folks right now or if there's something specific that I'm missing.
The only thing I can do is move forward with an optimistic outlook and keep trying for the positions where I think I'll make a difference. AND do my best to learn skills that are more relevant to today's positions. Becoming a copywriter, technical writer, community manager or related requires a few skills that I don't currently have like SEO optimization and the like. I'm sure I can find places that will help me out there but...I'm not sure if the current internet ecosystem is one I'd like to be a part of. It feels like everything is geared toward bite-sized, low-effort content, disposable and easily forgotten. On one hand maybe that makes it easier to just turn in whatever work you'd like without paying much attention. On the other, why bother if it's just contributing to the noise?
Either way, I'm going to have to find something that I'm likely not going to be too jazzed about. I just wish I could find something a bit more stable, a bit more fulfilling. Right now I'll settle for something that pays well enough for me not to be a burden on my loved ones. That's not too much to ask for, right?
During these times it's very difficult to focus on the present moment. I just want to think of anything else, be anywhere else. Maybe I just don't want to see myself as someone who is physically or mentally incapable of being just where I am even if that's the truth. I don't think it used to be this way, but something has exacerbated the slippery nature of my monkey mind. And if I've gotten worse over time, perhaps there's some small part of me that thinks it can get better.
And if I can, this is the process. Acknowledge when I've gotten caught up in thinking or feeling, and take the monkey back to the present. It may be that I'm constantly fighting with it, leashing it back to what's happening here and now, and it will never be second nature to me. But I know I get closer to my potential the more I do it, so the work continues.
It's surprising to me that it's almost been a month since I've been laid off. I'm two days away from being one-quarter into the goal of having a job by my birthday, and it's a little sobering. I've turned in 20 applications since then and haven't gotten an interview. That shouldn't be surprising, I suppose, given the state of the job market in Silicon Valley. But it is concerning. I would have liked to get at least one interview by now, or at least feel like there's some momentum being built somewhere. But so far my network has come up dry and I've only gotten one response -- a rejection from the School of Traditional Skills. It's a homesteading outfit based in ID and I knew I'd be a long shot for it. I'm glad I got a personalized rejection at least, so I can cross it off my list.
The applications to Stanford haven't yielded anything yet, but hope springs eternal there. I'll have to check in with my network there for a sense of where they are in the fulfillment process and whether I've got a shot. I'm not expecting to hear anything back from SJSU, even though I'm fairly sure I fulfill the requirements of the position. The university has always moved incredibly slowly, and I've never heard back from them when I've applied before. Why should this time be any different?
To be honest this is the worst part of applying to places. I'm sure that the stretched-thin HR folks just don't have the bandwidth to respond to every application, but it's demoralizing to put in so much time and effort to constructing an application just to receive silence in return. At least if I get a response I can try something different -- go back to retool my resume, for example, or learn how to project my experience and skills despite the lack of a college degree. But there's just not a lot to go on. I have no idea if my predicament is because the market is flooded with folks right now or if there's something specific that I'm missing.
The only thing I can do is move forward with an optimistic outlook and keep trying for the positions where I think I'll make a difference. AND do my best to learn skills that are more relevant to today's positions. Becoming a copywriter, technical writer, community manager or related requires a few skills that I don't currently have like SEO optimization and the like. I'm sure I can find places that will help me out there but...I'm not sure if the current internet ecosystem is one I'd like to be a part of. It feels like everything is geared toward bite-sized, low-effort content, disposable and easily forgotten. On one hand maybe that makes it easier to just turn in whatever work you'd like without paying much attention. On the other, why bother if it's just contributing to the noise?
Either way, I'm going to have to find something that I'm likely not going to be too jazzed about. I just wish I could find something a bit more stable, a bit more fulfilling. Right now I'll settle for something that pays well enough for me not to be a burden on my loved ones. That's not too much to ask for, right?
