Turning Around
Dec. 15th, 2022 03:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Yesterday was the 1st anniversary of Mom's death, so naturally I spent a big chunk of it wrestling with paperwork for her estate. It's been a long process, but I was eventually able to deposit the checks from the nursing home she was in for the last little bit. It doesn't quite cover the costs of travel, the funeral, cremation, and all the bureaucracy since then, but it's a decent start. I had meant to call my "brother-in-law" and my nephew to check in on them, but by the time I was done with that I just wanted to be done with everything.
I'm curiously numb about the anniversary itself. I thought I would feel guilt about not feeling worse, or angry about the way I had been treated, or sad about the relationship we never had, but...I didn't really feel anything. Just weird and irritable. Which tells me there's *something* buried under a lot of other emotions that I haven't recognized or resolved. But at this point, will I ever? I'll always feel weird about Mom and family...because I had a really complicated relationship with all of that. I've gotten comfortable with that particular knot, and while I'd like to have closure on it I don't attach anything to that prospect. Family fucked me up. I move forward anyway.
Things are slowing down at work now, which leaves me with big chunks of time throughout the day to be paralyzed by all the options I have to fill it. Do I work on future events for my programs so I can take time off without guilt? Do I work on the performance review that'll be kicking off in the New Year? Do I start in on the SQL course I signed up for through work, or deep-dive into Tableau so I can learn how to extract and analyze data, or one of the Excel courses I bought ages ago in order to make better sheets for the Community Team? It's really hard to tell what would be the best use of my time, and each option is missing that compelling "step one" that I need to get started. Maybe I could use this time thinking of ways to make each potential project interesting enough to start so no matter what I pick I can just get going on it. Honestly? Not a bad idea. Maybe that's what I'll do at work tomorrow.
Christmas, once again, has snuck up on me. We haven't bought presents yet, or sent out any cards, or even really prepared for the time we'll be spending at a friend's mountain bunker. I don't know how long we'll be there, but I do know that I'd like to take a social media sabbatical once I'm off work. No Twitter, no mindless YouTube scrolling, no placidly searching for something to occupy my brain. I'd love to let myself be bored, give myself over to the wonder of the immediate experience, reconnect with my inner monologue and imagination. I could also finish up a few long-running video games or something.
But really, I'd love to read more. Spending large amounts of time engrossed in a book, then thinking back on that book by writing a review of it, feels like the perfect way to close out the year. Our lives have gotten so busy it feels like there's no room in it for contemplation, and I'd like to take care with that if possible.
I spend so much of my day in a fog and I don't like it. But the prospect of being fully present for each moment feels so exhausting I can't imagine who I'd be in that situation either. I think I just need some quiet time to watch my monkey mind do its thing, tire itself out, and see what else happens once I go still. I can tell that I'm feeling the need to do...something...because I've been vaguely restless for a few months now. I think about what I could be doing and nothing feels like it would be satisfying. But there is this nagging desire to do something physical, where I have immediate sensory feedback that lets me know whether I'm doing the right thing or not. I'd like to do something that, perhaps, pulls me out of my own head and teaches me the value of interacting with the world around me.
There's also this strong pull towards simplification, of paring down my life until it's filled with just the stuff I find important. I spend way too much time and money on things that are ultimately designed to just pass time, that helps me to exist in the fog. It kind of feels like I'm carrying on the habit of disassociating from an unpleasant reality long past the point of it being a useful coping mechanism. Now, I'd very much like to re-engage -- but in a way that feels meaningful and fulfilling.
In today's world, that feels easier said than done. It may mean shrinking my digital footprint to focus on quality and not ubiquity. We'll see.
For now, I just need to figure out where to start.
I'm curiously numb about the anniversary itself. I thought I would feel guilt about not feeling worse, or angry about the way I had been treated, or sad about the relationship we never had, but...I didn't really feel anything. Just weird and irritable. Which tells me there's *something* buried under a lot of other emotions that I haven't recognized or resolved. But at this point, will I ever? I'll always feel weird about Mom and family...because I had a really complicated relationship with all of that. I've gotten comfortable with that particular knot, and while I'd like to have closure on it I don't attach anything to that prospect. Family fucked me up. I move forward anyway.
Things are slowing down at work now, which leaves me with big chunks of time throughout the day to be paralyzed by all the options I have to fill it. Do I work on future events for my programs so I can take time off without guilt? Do I work on the performance review that'll be kicking off in the New Year? Do I start in on the SQL course I signed up for through work, or deep-dive into Tableau so I can learn how to extract and analyze data, or one of the Excel courses I bought ages ago in order to make better sheets for the Community Team? It's really hard to tell what would be the best use of my time, and each option is missing that compelling "step one" that I need to get started. Maybe I could use this time thinking of ways to make each potential project interesting enough to start so no matter what I pick I can just get going on it. Honestly? Not a bad idea. Maybe that's what I'll do at work tomorrow.
Christmas, once again, has snuck up on me. We haven't bought presents yet, or sent out any cards, or even really prepared for the time we'll be spending at a friend's mountain bunker. I don't know how long we'll be there, but I do know that I'd like to take a social media sabbatical once I'm off work. No Twitter, no mindless YouTube scrolling, no placidly searching for something to occupy my brain. I'd love to let myself be bored, give myself over to the wonder of the immediate experience, reconnect with my inner monologue and imagination. I could also finish up a few long-running video games or something.
But really, I'd love to read more. Spending large amounts of time engrossed in a book, then thinking back on that book by writing a review of it, feels like the perfect way to close out the year. Our lives have gotten so busy it feels like there's no room in it for contemplation, and I'd like to take care with that if possible.
I spend so much of my day in a fog and I don't like it. But the prospect of being fully present for each moment feels so exhausting I can't imagine who I'd be in that situation either. I think I just need some quiet time to watch my monkey mind do its thing, tire itself out, and see what else happens once I go still. I can tell that I'm feeling the need to do...something...because I've been vaguely restless for a few months now. I think about what I could be doing and nothing feels like it would be satisfying. But there is this nagging desire to do something physical, where I have immediate sensory feedback that lets me know whether I'm doing the right thing or not. I'd like to do something that, perhaps, pulls me out of my own head and teaches me the value of interacting with the world around me.
There's also this strong pull towards simplification, of paring down my life until it's filled with just the stuff I find important. I spend way too much time and money on things that are ultimately designed to just pass time, that helps me to exist in the fog. It kind of feels like I'm carrying on the habit of disassociating from an unpleasant reality long past the point of it being a useful coping mechanism. Now, I'd very much like to re-engage -- but in a way that feels meaningful and fulfilling.
In today's world, that feels easier said than done. It may mean shrinking my digital footprint to focus on quality and not ubiquity. We'll see.
For now, I just need to figure out where to start.
