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Nov. 21st, 2022 08:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
It's Thanksgiving week! As usual, there's way too much to do. :)
I'm only working two days this week, but within those two days I need to make sure the five programs I'm running are going to be OK without me AND make sure everything's ready for one of those programs to move to a new 'phase'. Basically, we're moving from the big open round of 45,000 students to the ultra-exclusive round of 325 students in December, so a lot has to be ready for that.
The upside is I don't think there'll be a lot of people knuckling down at work, so that buys me a little bit of slack. Still, I really want to make sure I walk into the holiday knowing that I've set myself up to have an easier time of it when I get back.
For the holiday itself, there's the usual food prep. R. is making the turkey, garlic-parmesan mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole. K. is making creamed corn(!!) and vegetable casserole. I'll be handling the desserts -- the usual carrot cake, which I think I nailed last year, probably a few batches of cookies, and a pie of some description. I could go with the traditional apple pie, but I'm just not sure about the recipe. I might try something different, and I've really had my eye on a strawberry cream pie for some time now. Maybe this year is the year to try it!
The three of us will be heading to a friend's place in Grass Valley with a LOT of other folks. Last year, three households combined to make a party of eight people. This year, it'll be five households for a party of 13, maybe 14? Plus two or three dogs instead of the usual one. We don't have a TON planned for festivities, but it'll definitely be a great time. I don't think I've ever felt so relaxed at this place, like...ever. I felt safe, and accepted, and just able to take a breath when I needed one. It might be a little different with nearly twice the number of people, but we'll see how it goes.
For now, it's all about the work. In addition to everything going down with the day job, I'd like to spend some serious time getting the burrow in order. It would be really nice to come back to a totally clean kitchen, all the laundry done, things ready to pick back up for work and everything. R., I'm pretty sure, has until his birthday off-work, so his vacation continues. Honestly? Good for him. I think he could use a bit of a longer time to decompress.
My decompression will come at the end of next month, that no-bun's-land between Christmas and New Year's. I usually set it aside for contemplation and Kwanzaa musings, and I think this year I'll take that one step further. I'd really like to "grow up" some in 2023, learn how to be a lot more consistent, reliable, and playful. That means being a lot more present and a lot less governed by fear, that sort of thing. The plan is to take a t-break after New Year's for at least one month, maybe two. I think I need a bit of a reset to learn how to better manage myself without that crutch.
I'd also like to actually be on time with Christmas cards and gifts this year, but we'll see how that goes. :) There's SUCH a large list of people to send cards to! So maybe cheating this year and buying labels to print out addresses might be the way to go. My hand really can only take so much long writing.
There's no question that this is my favorite time of the year. I think it's because I spent so much time looking for a community, never quite feeling like I had found my family. It's only been the last couple years where it feels like I have, and they're all going to be at Grass Valley to celebrate with me. I cherish this, and I love the people who have let me into their lives despite all of my shortcomings.
I think a lot about what's happened to me these past few years and how I seemed to shrink into myself. I've characterized it as grief for the world that I had lost when T. won the 2016 election, that hopeful place where we'd at least partially get our act together with climate change, where we could make real progress on the problems we were facing down. Now it feels like I'm through the other side. That lost world still hurts an awful lot, but I'm having an easier time accepting this one for what it is. There's still good in this world, a lot of it, and it's worth engaging with and protecting however we can.
But in order to do that properly I'm going to have to get over a lot of my own shit. Depression is something I'll deal with my entire life; so is anxiety disorder; so is ADHD. It doesn't mean that I can't be a reliable person, or that I can't push myself to do things I never thought I could. It just means that the road to get there is going to be different from most people. It's going to take a lot more work to find it, but that's OK. It's trite, but I honestly think framing the chase of these new skills as a game is the way it'll work for me.
Over the Kwanzaa break, I'll have to really think about moving forward with intention. What kind of life do I want to build? What kind of relationship do I want to have with myself? With my friends and family? With the world at large? What has my experience of the last six years taught me?
It's funny, because after all this time I'm still learning how to be comfortable with change. I'm constantly thrown off-guard by how all-encompassing change can be, how little is actually set in stone. I know that there'll be some time where we'll have the last Grass Valley celebration, where I'll say "I love you" to my found family for the last time. And chances are better than even that I won't KNOW it's the last time. And I guess that means I have to cherish these good times while I have them, knowing that they'll need to sustain me through their absence one day.
It's a bitter-sweet thought. But I've acquired the taste for it.
I'm only working two days this week, but within those two days I need to make sure the five programs I'm running are going to be OK without me AND make sure everything's ready for one of those programs to move to a new 'phase'. Basically, we're moving from the big open round of 45,000 students to the ultra-exclusive round of 325 students in December, so a lot has to be ready for that.
The upside is I don't think there'll be a lot of people knuckling down at work, so that buys me a little bit of slack. Still, I really want to make sure I walk into the holiday knowing that I've set myself up to have an easier time of it when I get back.
For the holiday itself, there's the usual food prep. R. is making the turkey, garlic-parmesan mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole. K. is making creamed corn(!!) and vegetable casserole. I'll be handling the desserts -- the usual carrot cake, which I think I nailed last year, probably a few batches of cookies, and a pie of some description. I could go with the traditional apple pie, but I'm just not sure about the recipe. I might try something different, and I've really had my eye on a strawberry cream pie for some time now. Maybe this year is the year to try it!
The three of us will be heading to a friend's place in Grass Valley with a LOT of other folks. Last year, three households combined to make a party of eight people. This year, it'll be five households for a party of 13, maybe 14? Plus two or three dogs instead of the usual one. We don't have a TON planned for festivities, but it'll definitely be a great time. I don't think I've ever felt so relaxed at this place, like...ever. I felt safe, and accepted, and just able to take a breath when I needed one. It might be a little different with nearly twice the number of people, but we'll see how it goes.
For now, it's all about the work. In addition to everything going down with the day job, I'd like to spend some serious time getting the burrow in order. It would be really nice to come back to a totally clean kitchen, all the laundry done, things ready to pick back up for work and everything. R., I'm pretty sure, has until his birthday off-work, so his vacation continues. Honestly? Good for him. I think he could use a bit of a longer time to decompress.
My decompression will come at the end of next month, that no-bun's-land between Christmas and New Year's. I usually set it aside for contemplation and Kwanzaa musings, and I think this year I'll take that one step further. I'd really like to "grow up" some in 2023, learn how to be a lot more consistent, reliable, and playful. That means being a lot more present and a lot less governed by fear, that sort of thing. The plan is to take a t-break after New Year's for at least one month, maybe two. I think I need a bit of a reset to learn how to better manage myself without that crutch.
I'd also like to actually be on time with Christmas cards and gifts this year, but we'll see how that goes. :) There's SUCH a large list of people to send cards to! So maybe cheating this year and buying labels to print out addresses might be the way to go. My hand really can only take so much long writing.
There's no question that this is my favorite time of the year. I think it's because I spent so much time looking for a community, never quite feeling like I had found my family. It's only been the last couple years where it feels like I have, and they're all going to be at Grass Valley to celebrate with me. I cherish this, and I love the people who have let me into their lives despite all of my shortcomings.
I think a lot about what's happened to me these past few years and how I seemed to shrink into myself. I've characterized it as grief for the world that I had lost when T. won the 2016 election, that hopeful place where we'd at least partially get our act together with climate change, where we could make real progress on the problems we were facing down. Now it feels like I'm through the other side. That lost world still hurts an awful lot, but I'm having an easier time accepting this one for what it is. There's still good in this world, a lot of it, and it's worth engaging with and protecting however we can.
But in order to do that properly I'm going to have to get over a lot of my own shit. Depression is something I'll deal with my entire life; so is anxiety disorder; so is ADHD. It doesn't mean that I can't be a reliable person, or that I can't push myself to do things I never thought I could. It just means that the road to get there is going to be different from most people. It's going to take a lot more work to find it, but that's OK. It's trite, but I honestly think framing the chase of these new skills as a game is the way it'll work for me.
Over the Kwanzaa break, I'll have to really think about moving forward with intention. What kind of life do I want to build? What kind of relationship do I want to have with myself? With my friends and family? With the world at large? What has my experience of the last six years taught me?
It's funny, because after all this time I'm still learning how to be comfortable with change. I'm constantly thrown off-guard by how all-encompassing change can be, how little is actually set in stone. I know that there'll be some time where we'll have the last Grass Valley celebration, where I'll say "I love you" to my found family for the last time. And chances are better than even that I won't KNOW it's the last time. And I guess that means I have to cherish these good times while I have them, knowing that they'll need to sustain me through their absence one day.
It's a bitter-sweet thought. But I've acquired the taste for it.
