Afterstock
Jan. 2nd, 2021 09:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
So much happened in December that it felt like its own year. I'm still trying to sit with a lot of it, though I'm not sure how much there is actually to process. I think my ability to absorb new shocks might be hitting a limit, which makes sense. There sure has been a lot of them.
After a long decline, our dear Puckles was taken by the Black Rabbit. He had a long life, and he was well-loved, and R. was with him at the very end. I was mostly relieved that his suffering was over at last, but I was also really worried about R., who took it hard. Rabbits don't go easy, and I've only heard stories of what it's like to hear the death scream. I felt so bad that R. had to deal with that; it happened after I hosted a department meeting where I was interviewing the CEO, and during an all-hands meeting reviewing the state of the business this year. I had to take the day to mourn. Seeing him in his cage, lifeless, broke my heart. Hearing R. sob over him was even worse.
We started looking for our next rabbit after a couple days and found this gorgeous little sweetie on a rescue site. He was part of a litter of four who had just been weaned; his older brother was the royal bun, it looked like, over twice our little guy's size. We fell in love with him immediately and took him home, where after a few days we named him Biscuit. He's growing shockingly fast! Already he's bigger than Puckles, but he has a much...warmer personality, let's say. He zooms all around, does impressive hopping gymnastics, and adores being picked up and stroked. It threw me for a little bit, because everything I know about rabbits tells me they don't really like being handled. But Biscuit does!
He's also really curious and has no problem with hardwood floors, which is a slight problem. Since Puckles never liked them, we didn't need to rabbit-proof our home. Now, cord management is definitely going to be a consideration moving into 2021. It's possible we could give Biscuit free reign of the living room and office, but we'd need to be a LOT neater for that to happen. For now, he's got a pretty big play area. He hates the cage when we put him in at night; it's way too small for him.
On the final day of work before vacation, I got a call from T, my niece. She had a falling out with her dad, A, a little while ago that had progressed to the point that she was no longer living there. She had been staying with friends who had turned her out after their landlord found out she had been staying there, and she was in a real bind. A wouldn't take her back, mainly because he disapproved of her lifestyle -- she had gotten into goth-punk and had started courting 'devils', according to A. So she was in Jacksonville, FL with nowhere to live.
T is the oldest daughter of my sister, who died a few years ago from a drug overdose. She's been diagnosed with schizophrenia, and told me she heard voices sometimes -- especially during periods of high stress. T had to grow up with a mother who wasn't equipped to raise children, had no stable support network, and lived with a grandmother who suffered from advancing dementia and a truly soul-destroying tongue. After my sister died, she moved to Atlanta with a man she didn't know THAT well and the chaotic life he was living before he agreed to take T and her brother. She has a very hard life, is what I'm saying.
Now this. During the call, T told me that she was trans -- she hadn't come out to A yet because she knew he would disapprove, but she had already started to transition her gender expression. Through A's ex-fiancee, I learned that both A *and* T had attempted suicide in Atlanta, and T had been tased right after her attempt by the police. That was why they were in FL, but their relationship had continued to deteriorate.
I can buckle down in a crisis at this point. We got T a hotel to stay in, had A go pick her up and drop her off there, and calmed both of them down to a point where the immediate problem was over and we could start thinking longer term. I tried to connect with T to get her side of the story, and so much of it reminds me of myself at her age. She needs to forge her own path, for sure, but I also want her to make fewer mistakes than I did when I was forging mine. I know enough to know how hostile the world can be for a LGBQT Black American with mental health issues; and I know enough to know how our own community turns its back on its trans family.
Over the next several days I gave a LOT of money to both A and T to try and sort things out. I provided T with local (and national) resources that would be willing to help trans people during difficult times. A dropped her off at a Christian shelter that I knew right away wouldn't work out. As far as I know, she's still without a permanent place to stay -- but she's gotten a job at Wendy's, at least. For me, the priority is making sure she can get government assistance. She desperately needs professional mental help to learn how to manage her schizophrenia and ADHD, and I really think she could use therapy to talk through her trauma. The trouble is she's as stubborn as my sister, and once she has her mind set on something it's tough to sway her out of it. There have been a number of times where I've heard her just...tune me out when I try to talk her out of things.
The worst part is that from my end, a lot of what A says about her has been validated. She doesn't actually want to put the work in to make her situation better; she just wants to be provided for so she can do what she wants to do. She finds comfort in emo-punk because it says things about her life she can relate to, and she is so far removed from A and her brother that they just can't easily bridge the perception gap between them. It's so hard, because I know that in order for her to get to a place where she's comfortable in her own skin and thriving in life it's going to take a lot of work. And the earlier we can get started on that work, the better. But -- and this is what happened with my sister -- drugs are an immediate, much more convenience escape and she's around people who would rather give her those than the life skills she'll need to make it.
And since I'm in CA there's very little I can do beyond being a voice on the phone. Once I realized that she had quickly taken for granted I'd give her money whenever she asked for it, I stopped -- but now she's a bit cagier with me when I ask her about how to improve her situation. And that sucks. But also, I realize that I can't force someone to buckle down and do the hard thing. She has to get to a point where she's motivated to do that herself. I just don't know if she's going to be able to get there before it's too late.
It's a lot to think about. And I think reconnecting with my family and community on a more tangible level, on my own terms, is something that I'll be thinking a lot about this year.
After a long decline, our dear Puckles was taken by the Black Rabbit. He had a long life, and he was well-loved, and R. was with him at the very end. I was mostly relieved that his suffering was over at last, but I was also really worried about R., who took it hard. Rabbits don't go easy, and I've only heard stories of what it's like to hear the death scream. I felt so bad that R. had to deal with that; it happened after I hosted a department meeting where I was interviewing the CEO, and during an all-hands meeting reviewing the state of the business this year. I had to take the day to mourn. Seeing him in his cage, lifeless, broke my heart. Hearing R. sob over him was even worse.
We started looking for our next rabbit after a couple days and found this gorgeous little sweetie on a rescue site. He was part of a litter of four who had just been weaned; his older brother was the royal bun, it looked like, over twice our little guy's size. We fell in love with him immediately and took him home, where after a few days we named him Biscuit. He's growing shockingly fast! Already he's bigger than Puckles, but he has a much...warmer personality, let's say. He zooms all around, does impressive hopping gymnastics, and adores being picked up and stroked. It threw me for a little bit, because everything I know about rabbits tells me they don't really like being handled. But Biscuit does!
He's also really curious and has no problem with hardwood floors, which is a slight problem. Since Puckles never liked them, we didn't need to rabbit-proof our home. Now, cord management is definitely going to be a consideration moving into 2021. It's possible we could give Biscuit free reign of the living room and office, but we'd need to be a LOT neater for that to happen. For now, he's got a pretty big play area. He hates the cage when we put him in at night; it's way too small for him.
On the final day of work before vacation, I got a call from T, my niece. She had a falling out with her dad, A, a little while ago that had progressed to the point that she was no longer living there. She had been staying with friends who had turned her out after their landlord found out she had been staying there, and she was in a real bind. A wouldn't take her back, mainly because he disapproved of her lifestyle -- she had gotten into goth-punk and had started courting 'devils', according to A. So she was in Jacksonville, FL with nowhere to live.
T is the oldest daughter of my sister, who died a few years ago from a drug overdose. She's been diagnosed with schizophrenia, and told me she heard voices sometimes -- especially during periods of high stress. T had to grow up with a mother who wasn't equipped to raise children, had no stable support network, and lived with a grandmother who suffered from advancing dementia and a truly soul-destroying tongue. After my sister died, she moved to Atlanta with a man she didn't know THAT well and the chaotic life he was living before he agreed to take T and her brother. She has a very hard life, is what I'm saying.
Now this. During the call, T told me that she was trans -- she hadn't come out to A yet because she knew he would disapprove, but she had already started to transition her gender expression. Through A's ex-fiancee, I learned that both A *and* T had attempted suicide in Atlanta, and T had been tased right after her attempt by the police. That was why they were in FL, but their relationship had continued to deteriorate.
I can buckle down in a crisis at this point. We got T a hotel to stay in, had A go pick her up and drop her off there, and calmed both of them down to a point where the immediate problem was over and we could start thinking longer term. I tried to connect with T to get her side of the story, and so much of it reminds me of myself at her age. She needs to forge her own path, for sure, but I also want her to make fewer mistakes than I did when I was forging mine. I know enough to know how hostile the world can be for a LGBQT Black American with mental health issues; and I know enough to know how our own community turns its back on its trans family.
Over the next several days I gave a LOT of money to both A and T to try and sort things out. I provided T with local (and national) resources that would be willing to help trans people during difficult times. A dropped her off at a Christian shelter that I knew right away wouldn't work out. As far as I know, she's still without a permanent place to stay -- but she's gotten a job at Wendy's, at least. For me, the priority is making sure she can get government assistance. She desperately needs professional mental help to learn how to manage her schizophrenia and ADHD, and I really think she could use therapy to talk through her trauma. The trouble is she's as stubborn as my sister, and once she has her mind set on something it's tough to sway her out of it. There have been a number of times where I've heard her just...tune me out when I try to talk her out of things.
The worst part is that from my end, a lot of what A says about her has been validated. She doesn't actually want to put the work in to make her situation better; she just wants to be provided for so she can do what she wants to do. She finds comfort in emo-punk because it says things about her life she can relate to, and she is so far removed from A and her brother that they just can't easily bridge the perception gap between them. It's so hard, because I know that in order for her to get to a place where she's comfortable in her own skin and thriving in life it's going to take a lot of work. And the earlier we can get started on that work, the better. But -- and this is what happened with my sister -- drugs are an immediate, much more convenience escape and she's around people who would rather give her those than the life skills she'll need to make it.
And since I'm in CA there's very little I can do beyond being a voice on the phone. Once I realized that she had quickly taken for granted I'd give her money whenever she asked for it, I stopped -- but now she's a bit cagier with me when I ask her about how to improve her situation. And that sucks. But also, I realize that I can't force someone to buckle down and do the hard thing. She has to get to a point where she's motivated to do that herself. I just don't know if she's going to be able to get there before it's too late.
It's a lot to think about. And I think reconnecting with my family and community on a more tangible level, on my own terms, is something that I'll be thinking a lot about this year.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-03 05:21 am (UTC)And, gads, yes. T does sound like a hard problem. It does sound like you've managed to land her at least in a bearable place. I hope she's able to get what she needs.
I am so very sorry about Puckles. The ... I suppose I haven't really heard the death scream, but I have heard a rabbit scream in an epileptic-like seizure and that's just horrible.
And I am glad that you've found Biscuit and are having so good a time with him. We haven't needed to seriously rabbit-proof anything in years; our last three rabbits have had little interest in cords and Sunshine isn't much for the hardwood floor either, with exceptions. We have got for her some pretty good space, using this fencing made of adjustable two-foot-wide pieces. I don't know what your setup is like, but this might be useful to give him abundant running space. The fence we have even has a nice door so it's easy to get in and out and nudge the rabbit where you'd rather they go. And you can add or remove panels to fit your space needs.