Correct Course
Nov. 12th, 2020 08:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
I still haven't been able to write a single word for NaNoWriMo. :( I'm not sure I will until R. and I hit the lockdown; this week I've been just doing procrastination work, noodling around with pre-writing and idea generation. But the inertia is so strong and the fear is so great it feels impossible to just commit words to the page.
What if I give this story my best shot and it sucks so bad I never want to look at it again? It sucks that the very thing I'm afraid of is pretty much the thing that NaNoWriMo is *built* for. Yes, your work is going to suck, and that's kind of the point. To keep going even though you know it sucks, to find joy in the process and not the result.
I would have thought my mindfulness work these past few months would have prepared me better for it. I'm getting better at catching myself in distorted thought loops or noticing when my brain runs away from me. The trouble is that by the time I have some prime writing time in the evening I'm already pretty fatigued. I've used a lot of my willpower on keeping focused with my work and I just want a break from having to push myself to do more. It might be that I just need to take an hour or two after work to recharge, gather my strength for a run at a couple thousand words in the evening.
That might take some getting used to, though. I recognize the need to be away from my computer after work, but taking a walk eats up an hour or so and then I need to shower and that takes longer, so when I get back it's time to make dinner and...the timing gets thrown. I end up more tired in the evening, and it's even harder to push myself to conquer the blank page.
I know that this is all in my mind, and that *I'm* the only person stopping myself from writing. But I can't seem to get out of my own way on this. Maybe this Sunday I'll take the day to just...do it. Shut myself in a room, turn off my Internet, and set the intention to write. All day. I know it's a bit of an extreme measure, but at this point, maybe it's called for?
Today is the last day before we enter a fairly strict quarantine period, and there's a fair bit to prepare for. We want to take a shopping trip to stock up on the things we can keep for the next two weeks without too much trouble; for perishables like fruits and vegetables, we know we'll have to go with a grocery-delivery service. One of the big challenges will be proper storage, though -- our space isn't as organized as I would have liked at this point in the year, but that's on me. I kinda frittered away the time, knowing this was coming, so there's nothing left to do but eat crow and make the best of it.
One unforeseen challenge to this quarantine is being forced to change my snacking habit. I can already anticipate the realization that I stress- or boredom-eat way more than I thought, so being in an environment where I have limited snacks and can't easily go out to get more will be...an adjustment. I think if I were dealing with just one of these -- organization, writing, eating habits -- it'd be easier to get through. But these things intersect in a way that makes it difficult to manage. It's not just three times the stress of adjustment, it's stress *cubed*.
But maybe I'm just borrowing tomorrow's trouble today. I think focusing on the positive habits I want to build and finding the joy in those activities is a better way to frame this. The quarantine, after all, is an opportunity to simplify and focus on the things that are most important to me. To face the fear of creation and step through that fire. I can actually get some totem work done and learn lessons from Rabbit. It *could* be an exciting thing, not a crazy-making thing.
That's the trick -- catching those anxiety-inducing thought patterns, accepting them, and engaging them in a way that makes the whole experience more positive. Working Radical Acceptance with myself, instead of fighting my anxious impulses, might allow me to face them in a way that I haven't been able to up until now.
OK. Maybe I've got this. I can do it. :)
One last thing -- downloaded the His Dark Materials: My Daemon app, and now I'm going to find my Daemon. It's a self-care/mental-wellness app, where your Daemon encourages you to do things that nourish your spirit, train your body, sharpen your mind. There's a nifty AR component where you can take video or photos of your Daemon in your living space, too, so that's cool. So far I've gotten an ermine, white fox, iguana, and jaguar. I'll be taking the FINAL FINAL test now, and letting the chips fall where they may. I really want a rabbit though. :)
What if I give this story my best shot and it sucks so bad I never want to look at it again? It sucks that the very thing I'm afraid of is pretty much the thing that NaNoWriMo is *built* for. Yes, your work is going to suck, and that's kind of the point. To keep going even though you know it sucks, to find joy in the process and not the result.
I would have thought my mindfulness work these past few months would have prepared me better for it. I'm getting better at catching myself in distorted thought loops or noticing when my brain runs away from me. The trouble is that by the time I have some prime writing time in the evening I'm already pretty fatigued. I've used a lot of my willpower on keeping focused with my work and I just want a break from having to push myself to do more. It might be that I just need to take an hour or two after work to recharge, gather my strength for a run at a couple thousand words in the evening.
That might take some getting used to, though. I recognize the need to be away from my computer after work, but taking a walk eats up an hour or so and then I need to shower and that takes longer, so when I get back it's time to make dinner and...the timing gets thrown. I end up more tired in the evening, and it's even harder to push myself to conquer the blank page.
I know that this is all in my mind, and that *I'm* the only person stopping myself from writing. But I can't seem to get out of my own way on this. Maybe this Sunday I'll take the day to just...do it. Shut myself in a room, turn off my Internet, and set the intention to write. All day. I know it's a bit of an extreme measure, but at this point, maybe it's called for?
Today is the last day before we enter a fairly strict quarantine period, and there's a fair bit to prepare for. We want to take a shopping trip to stock up on the things we can keep for the next two weeks without too much trouble; for perishables like fruits and vegetables, we know we'll have to go with a grocery-delivery service. One of the big challenges will be proper storage, though -- our space isn't as organized as I would have liked at this point in the year, but that's on me. I kinda frittered away the time, knowing this was coming, so there's nothing left to do but eat crow and make the best of it.
One unforeseen challenge to this quarantine is being forced to change my snacking habit. I can already anticipate the realization that I stress- or boredom-eat way more than I thought, so being in an environment where I have limited snacks and can't easily go out to get more will be...an adjustment. I think if I were dealing with just one of these -- organization, writing, eating habits -- it'd be easier to get through. But these things intersect in a way that makes it difficult to manage. It's not just three times the stress of adjustment, it's stress *cubed*.
But maybe I'm just borrowing tomorrow's trouble today. I think focusing on the positive habits I want to build and finding the joy in those activities is a better way to frame this. The quarantine, after all, is an opportunity to simplify and focus on the things that are most important to me. To face the fear of creation and step through that fire. I can actually get some totem work done and learn lessons from Rabbit. It *could* be an exciting thing, not a crazy-making thing.
That's the trick -- catching those anxiety-inducing thought patterns, accepting them, and engaging them in a way that makes the whole experience more positive. Working Radical Acceptance with myself, instead of fighting my anxious impulses, might allow me to face them in a way that I haven't been able to up until now.
OK. Maybe I've got this. I can do it. :)
One last thing -- downloaded the His Dark Materials: My Daemon app, and now I'm going to find my Daemon. It's a self-care/mental-wellness app, where your Daemon encourages you to do things that nourish your spirit, train your body, sharpen your mind. There's a nifty AR component where you can take video or photos of your Daemon in your living space, too, so that's cool. So far I've gotten an ermine, white fox, iguana, and jaguar. I'll be taking the FINAL FINAL test now, and letting the chips fall where they may. I really want a rabbit though. :)
