The Top of the Hill
Nov. 11th, 2020 10:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
I don't know about anyone else, but I tend to have a certain emotional rhythm to my week. On Monday I'm either ready to give the week a good college try or I'm just not into it. By Wednesday, the narrative has flipped - I either settle into a groove, or run out of steam and start half-assing things. Either way, by Friday I'm not nearly as crisp as I would be on Monday, easily distracted by everything and not really keen to start anything new. It's the end of the week after all!
Today, I'm losing steam. I stayed up too late last night, so I woke up late and didn't meditate or plan anything before work. Thankfully work is reasonably light at the moment, but I'm also working with issues I'm not familiar with and that require a lot of collaboration with others. If folks are unresponsive or unhelpful, this can get frustrating in a hurry.
Still, it helps to be aware of this bio-rhythm. I know that I'm going to be slightly off my game today, but I can still take steps to...raise the floor of my habits, if that makes sense. I can use the mindfulness techniques I've been learning through Headspace to get a better grip on myself and do my best work even if that's not...you know, my *best* work. I can still be reasonably productive when I'm not feeling it, even though it takes a bit more will.
It's interesting, because usually I would attribute this to something like depression or anxiety, and it might be that. But there's a difference between true depression, or the emotional exhaustion that makes simple tasks feel impossible, and just not feeling like being an adult that day. As I grow more sensitive to my internal landscape, it gets easier to tell the difference between the two. I don't feel like being an adult today, but fuck it, who does?
I think part of the general 'blah' feeling today comes from the fact that I know I'll be working on Saturday this week. Since about half of our team is Indian, they have off the next three days for Diwali and those of us in the States will need to pick up the slack. Personally I don't mind this; they cover for us through Thanksgiving and Christmas, after all, without complaint. But also...ooof. It's going to be a bit of a slog towards the end of this week, and I know I'll feel kind of depleted next week too. Thankfully, the week after *that* is Thanksgiving, so there's only the stress of maintaining our social bubble while also getting the things we need to make dishes.
Still not quite able to write. I've been thinking about how to move forward with "A Bearable Partner" and I think I have a good idea for it, but when I sit down in front of my screen it's just...my focus slides off somewhere else. It's like it was before my ADHD diagnosis, when I would face a task that brought me great anxiety, and trying harder to get started just made it more impossible. I think, honestly, I just need to lock myself in a room, take about 10 minutes to reckon with my thoughts about this, and focus on the most fun thing I can do with the story.
In preparation for the writing blitz that's surely to come, I've been watching YouTube videos on writing advice. The Quotidian Writer is a channel I've come to like quite a bit; she presents information and advice in an easy to digest manner while using actual novels to provide examples of her points. I've learned pretty valuable tricks for deconstructing a scene to make sure it has appropriate momentum, how to write a killer first line, and how to give my characters a little more love. I think right now my characters might just be the weakest part of my writing, and with the projects I've chosen to work on I'll have a good opportunity to really dig into that.
That's assuming, of course, that I can actually deal with the crippling anxiety plaguing me around writing. I also have this sneaking suspicion that I've spent so much time setting aside my feelings and preferences it's harder to be in touch with them now. When I express the desire for something, it feels incredibly selfish, and like I'm being a burden to the person I'm asking. I hate the feeling so much my instinct is to deflect any way I know how. It's...not easy to turn that off, to think of myself without worrying about how it affects someone else. In one way, that's...good. But there's a balance to be struck.
While we're quarantining to form our social bubble, I'd like to use that time to figure myself out a bit more, exert a bit more control over my environment and my time, to explore the things that genuinely interest me. That means being a lot more conscious of what I'm doing in the moment and resisting the urge to fall into these holding patterns -- things that keep me occupied, but not engaged. We'll see how that goes, I guess.
Today, I'm losing steam. I stayed up too late last night, so I woke up late and didn't meditate or plan anything before work. Thankfully work is reasonably light at the moment, but I'm also working with issues I'm not familiar with and that require a lot of collaboration with others. If folks are unresponsive or unhelpful, this can get frustrating in a hurry.
Still, it helps to be aware of this bio-rhythm. I know that I'm going to be slightly off my game today, but I can still take steps to...raise the floor of my habits, if that makes sense. I can use the mindfulness techniques I've been learning through Headspace to get a better grip on myself and do my best work even if that's not...you know, my *best* work. I can still be reasonably productive when I'm not feeling it, even though it takes a bit more will.
It's interesting, because usually I would attribute this to something like depression or anxiety, and it might be that. But there's a difference between true depression, or the emotional exhaustion that makes simple tasks feel impossible, and just not feeling like being an adult that day. As I grow more sensitive to my internal landscape, it gets easier to tell the difference between the two. I don't feel like being an adult today, but fuck it, who does?
I think part of the general 'blah' feeling today comes from the fact that I know I'll be working on Saturday this week. Since about half of our team is Indian, they have off the next three days for Diwali and those of us in the States will need to pick up the slack. Personally I don't mind this; they cover for us through Thanksgiving and Christmas, after all, without complaint. But also...ooof. It's going to be a bit of a slog towards the end of this week, and I know I'll feel kind of depleted next week too. Thankfully, the week after *that* is Thanksgiving, so there's only the stress of maintaining our social bubble while also getting the things we need to make dishes.
Still not quite able to write. I've been thinking about how to move forward with "A Bearable Partner" and I think I have a good idea for it, but when I sit down in front of my screen it's just...my focus slides off somewhere else. It's like it was before my ADHD diagnosis, when I would face a task that brought me great anxiety, and trying harder to get started just made it more impossible. I think, honestly, I just need to lock myself in a room, take about 10 minutes to reckon with my thoughts about this, and focus on the most fun thing I can do with the story.
In preparation for the writing blitz that's surely to come, I've been watching YouTube videos on writing advice. The Quotidian Writer is a channel I've come to like quite a bit; she presents information and advice in an easy to digest manner while using actual novels to provide examples of her points. I've learned pretty valuable tricks for deconstructing a scene to make sure it has appropriate momentum, how to write a killer first line, and how to give my characters a little more love. I think right now my characters might just be the weakest part of my writing, and with the projects I've chosen to work on I'll have a good opportunity to really dig into that.
That's assuming, of course, that I can actually deal with the crippling anxiety plaguing me around writing. I also have this sneaking suspicion that I've spent so much time setting aside my feelings and preferences it's harder to be in touch with them now. When I express the desire for something, it feels incredibly selfish, and like I'm being a burden to the person I'm asking. I hate the feeling so much my instinct is to deflect any way I know how. It's...not easy to turn that off, to think of myself without worrying about how it affects someone else. In one way, that's...good. But there's a balance to be struck.
While we're quarantining to form our social bubble, I'd like to use that time to figure myself out a bit more, exert a bit more control over my environment and my time, to explore the things that genuinely interest me. That means being a lot more conscious of what I'm doing in the moment and resisting the urge to fall into these holding patterns -- things that keep me occupied, but not engaged. We'll see how that goes, I guess.
