One Week to Go
Aug. 19th, 2019 08:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Last Thursday I signed the necessary paperwork to accept a job offer with Udacity, a massive online open course company. Starting next Monday I'll be their newest Enterprise Student Support Representative! It will definitely be an interesting experience; I think I've mentioned before how the company seems to be getting back on its footing after a very tumultuous year. At the very least, it will serve as something of a reset after the last position. I'm hoping that I can be a bit more people-oriented and present with the demands of the job.
A fellow furry (again) really stepped up to bat for me, submitting my resume to the recruiter who guided me through the process very quickly. I'm so grateful for the fandom; it's made my life better in pretty much every way. I've already started the process of getting to know them, and we've already bonded over a shared ADHD diagnosis and Bullet Journals.
I pretty much took a four-day weekend to celebrate the news. I got sooooooo high on Saturday, and it was sooooo fun. At the same time, I could see why doing it often is a problem and I don't think there's much of an interest to me in wasting so much time in that state any more. Over the past couple of months of clean living, meditation has really helped me out with being present and dealing with the anxiety that comes with engaging with the world. I feel a bit more resilient, and a bit more capable. We'll see how much that holds when I've got the pressure of a schedule to adhere to again, though. That's the big challenge.
In the meantime, I'll be working hard to be productive through the rest of the week. I'd like to devote the bulk of my time to writing and learning (again) how to submit things on a deadline, but I'd also like to organize my spaces so that they're a lot less cluttered and more conducive to work. That means taking all the little tchotchkes off my desk and figuring out what to do with them; cutting down the number of books I have so that they can actually fit onto bookshelves; and leaning down my wardrobe to start building a bit of a refresh. There's also a ton of electronics in here that have no discernable use. It'd be good to get rid of a lot of this stuff, between you and me.
I'm reading "The Mind Illuminated" in an attempt to progress a bit further with my meditation practice, and so far it feels like it's doing a little something. I'm still in Stages 1/2 of 10 -- establishing a consistent practice and developing stable attention. Consistent practice is...a process. I'm generally good with it during the week -- eventually. But it can be a problem to actually pull the trigger on meditating at a set time every day. It's difficult for me to resist the siren's call of social media as soon as I pick up the phone. Saturdays are always the canary in the coal mine for this kind of thing -- I look up and suddenly it's 45 minutes later, too late to actually meditate. So I end up missing the session for the day. I HAVE to get better about this, especially since my mornings will need to be a bit more scheduled.
Still, when I do sit it feels...right. At the top of each session, the book recommends that you review six things to help you get in a good frame of mind. First, you state your motivations for meditating consistently to begin with. Then, you state your goals for this session. Third, you think about the potential distractions that might pull your attention away from the meditation object (in this case, your breath). Then, you resolve to diligently practice guiding your attention back to the breath from these distraction. After that, you think through realistic expectations for how the session will go -- you WILL get distracted, and that's part of the process, etc. etc. Finally, you check your posture to make sure you're in a stable, alert position.
Then, and here's the really neat bit, you steadily draw in your focus towards the meditation object. At first, you give your attention to anything in your environment that attracts it, but you must remain in the present. So that means the car horn outside might trigger thoughts about how I need to take my dirty car to a car wash, but when I notice that I draw my attention back to the present. Then, I focus my attention towards bodily sensation, like the air on my skin or the way my body moves with my breath, or the weight of my legs on my feet in my cross-legged position. Then, I focus my attention on just my breath -- how it feels in the stomach, the chest, the way it moves my shoulders, how it feels in the throat, through the nose. Finally, I focus my attention on the sensation of my breath through the nose and hold it there as long as possible.
One of the helpful things I've learned through the book is how to manage my expectations about what 'stable attention' looks like. The author differentiates between "attention" (direct focus) and "awareness" (thoughts and sensations in the back of your mind); he says that awareness is always going and provides context for the object of your attention, and it's useless to think you can just turn that off. In other words, monkey mind is going to monkey mind because that's how the mind works. You don't try to kill off that part of your thinking process. You recognize it, and train it to focus in the midst of repeated distraction.
It's a little difficult for me to meditate first thing in the morning because my mind is still a bit groggy and unfocused. But I trust the process enough to know that it'll get a bit better in time -- especially once I've established a better sleeping schedule and fitness routine. It can be difficult to make one better habit because so much is connected; meditation bears better fruit if you're sleeping well the night before, which encourages you to get a better routine even though you're...not great with willpower right before you get to bed. Still, it's a problem that can be figured out. And I will.
For now, time to get writing and cleaning done.
A fellow furry (again) really stepped up to bat for me, submitting my resume to the recruiter who guided me through the process very quickly. I'm so grateful for the fandom; it's made my life better in pretty much every way. I've already started the process of getting to know them, and we've already bonded over a shared ADHD diagnosis and Bullet Journals.
I pretty much took a four-day weekend to celebrate the news. I got sooooooo high on Saturday, and it was sooooo fun. At the same time, I could see why doing it often is a problem and I don't think there's much of an interest to me in wasting so much time in that state any more. Over the past couple of months of clean living, meditation has really helped me out with being present and dealing with the anxiety that comes with engaging with the world. I feel a bit more resilient, and a bit more capable. We'll see how much that holds when I've got the pressure of a schedule to adhere to again, though. That's the big challenge.
In the meantime, I'll be working hard to be productive through the rest of the week. I'd like to devote the bulk of my time to writing and learning (again) how to submit things on a deadline, but I'd also like to organize my spaces so that they're a lot less cluttered and more conducive to work. That means taking all the little tchotchkes off my desk and figuring out what to do with them; cutting down the number of books I have so that they can actually fit onto bookshelves; and leaning down my wardrobe to start building a bit of a refresh. There's also a ton of electronics in here that have no discernable use. It'd be good to get rid of a lot of this stuff, between you and me.
I'm reading "The Mind Illuminated" in an attempt to progress a bit further with my meditation practice, and so far it feels like it's doing a little something. I'm still in Stages 1/2 of 10 -- establishing a consistent practice and developing stable attention. Consistent practice is...a process. I'm generally good with it during the week -- eventually. But it can be a problem to actually pull the trigger on meditating at a set time every day. It's difficult for me to resist the siren's call of social media as soon as I pick up the phone. Saturdays are always the canary in the coal mine for this kind of thing -- I look up and suddenly it's 45 minutes later, too late to actually meditate. So I end up missing the session for the day. I HAVE to get better about this, especially since my mornings will need to be a bit more scheduled.
Still, when I do sit it feels...right. At the top of each session, the book recommends that you review six things to help you get in a good frame of mind. First, you state your motivations for meditating consistently to begin with. Then, you state your goals for this session. Third, you think about the potential distractions that might pull your attention away from the meditation object (in this case, your breath). Then, you resolve to diligently practice guiding your attention back to the breath from these distraction. After that, you think through realistic expectations for how the session will go -- you WILL get distracted, and that's part of the process, etc. etc. Finally, you check your posture to make sure you're in a stable, alert position.
Then, and here's the really neat bit, you steadily draw in your focus towards the meditation object. At first, you give your attention to anything in your environment that attracts it, but you must remain in the present. So that means the car horn outside might trigger thoughts about how I need to take my dirty car to a car wash, but when I notice that I draw my attention back to the present. Then, I focus my attention towards bodily sensation, like the air on my skin or the way my body moves with my breath, or the weight of my legs on my feet in my cross-legged position. Then, I focus my attention on just my breath -- how it feels in the stomach, the chest, the way it moves my shoulders, how it feels in the throat, through the nose. Finally, I focus my attention on the sensation of my breath through the nose and hold it there as long as possible.
One of the helpful things I've learned through the book is how to manage my expectations about what 'stable attention' looks like. The author differentiates between "attention" (direct focus) and "awareness" (thoughts and sensations in the back of your mind); he says that awareness is always going and provides context for the object of your attention, and it's useless to think you can just turn that off. In other words, monkey mind is going to monkey mind because that's how the mind works. You don't try to kill off that part of your thinking process. You recognize it, and train it to focus in the midst of repeated distraction.
It's a little difficult for me to meditate first thing in the morning because my mind is still a bit groggy and unfocused. But I trust the process enough to know that it'll get a bit better in time -- especially once I've established a better sleeping schedule and fitness routine. It can be difficult to make one better habit because so much is connected; meditation bears better fruit if you're sleeping well the night before, which encourages you to get a better routine even though you're...not great with willpower right before you get to bed. Still, it's a problem that can be figured out. And I will.
For now, time to get writing and cleaning done.
