My Soft Life
Jun. 5th, 2011 04:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
The beginning of September will mark my fifth year of living in the great state of California. The end of the month will mark my third year of being happily married to my husband, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
toob. I'm not sure which part is more incredible; it's taken me a while to get to this point, and I don't think I ever would have seen myself here ten years ago. At the beginning of the last decade, I had just moved to Arkansas as a college dropout, and I was trying to make a poly-amorous relationship work. One of my boyfriends was long-distance, even.
Now that I'm moving away from my time in Arkansas, I'm trying to process that time in my life. A lot of painful stuff happened to me back there -- I was molested twice, I had a couple of painful breakups, there was a crazy Internet 'friend' who crashed with me and a boyfriend for a while. I had a terrible job, and one that I'll always remember fondly. I lived in total shitholes and helped to build NARFA from the ground up. During much of that time in Arkansas, I was an asshole. I was unhappy and immature, and I was still trying to work out what the hell happened to me. It was the painful transition period from being a shy, hard-working Jehovah's Witness to being...whoever I am today.
There's a lot of great stuff that happened in Arkansas, too. I have a score of friends there, each of whom taught me how to be a better person.stickypawz uses the term "Soul-forge" quite a bit to describe this process, and in so many ways he's right. I was under a lot of pressure. Things got pretty hot. But in a lot of ways I feel like everyone there helped to burn away my impurities and leave me better for it. Even though there's a lot of bad memories, I can't help but think of just about everyone there fondly. I don't stay in touch often enough, and I don't say this often enough, but I thank each and every one of them. I think of them often, and I miss being with them. Even the crazier ones. :) Honestly and true.
Now, though, things are more stable than they've ever been in my life. I'm in a permanent, committed relationship with a man I love. I'm working in a job that gives me skills to better myself either at my current employer or a potential future one. I'm learning all the things that I've struggled to get a handle on up until now -- fiscal discipline, a work ethic, a personal set of standards...all sorts of things. I've taken care of just about everything else in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, so now I'm focusing on -- for lack of a better word -- self-actualization.
It hit me a few days ago, when I was preparing for a trip with friends. My life is pretty soft. I used to worry about being able to pay for the things I needed to. Now I have to worry about not spending all the money I have. I used to wonder about how and where I would get food at one point. Now so much of my time and thought is taken up about being more selective about what I eat. Most of my problems are first-world ones: which cover is best for my iPad? How can I get a replacement guard for my electric razor? When I'm ready to buy a car, should I get a low-end new model, or a mid-grade used one? When I buy clothes, how much should I be willing to pay for something with a classical, timeless style that will last me a long time? So forth and so on.
It's strange, but I feel like I'm coming back from an extreme of excess...even though my lifestyle isn't one of conspicuous consumption. I've had very little, and now I look around me and it feels like I might have a little too much. My focus isn't so much on getting more, it's on getting things that will serve me better, longer. I want things that I'll be comfortable with having over the long haul.
This realization makes me feel incredibly fortunate. I'm lucky enough to be choosy about how I engage with our capitalist culture, to decide when and where I'll buy what I need. I didn't necessarily have that power five years ago. I definitely didn't have it ten years ago. Fifteen years ago? I was eating school lunches in high school. Being able to buy plastic bags full of penny candies was a special occasion.
Remembering where I've come from in a cultural and economic sense brings me a sense of perspective that might have gotten away from me for the past few years. I might use the person I am now as a target for self-deprecation, but I'm happy with where I am. And even though I might not be as powerful or influential as a great deal of people in Silicon Valley -- or even many of my friends -- I do have a measure of power. And with that power, a responsibility to be wise with it. I've worked, and with a few lucky breaks I've managed a pretty soft life. What am I doing with it? Am I using it to soften the lives of those who have it harder?
How can I even begin to do that?
toob. I'm not sure which part is more incredible; it's taken me a while to get to this point, and I don't think I ever would have seen myself here ten years ago. At the beginning of the last decade, I had just moved to Arkansas as a college dropout, and I was trying to make a poly-amorous relationship work. One of my boyfriends was long-distance, even.Now that I'm moving away from my time in Arkansas, I'm trying to process that time in my life. A lot of painful stuff happened to me back there -- I was molested twice, I had a couple of painful breakups, there was a crazy Internet 'friend' who crashed with me and a boyfriend for a while. I had a terrible job, and one that I'll always remember fondly. I lived in total shitholes and helped to build NARFA from the ground up. During much of that time in Arkansas, I was an asshole. I was unhappy and immature, and I was still trying to work out what the hell happened to me. It was the painful transition period from being a shy, hard-working Jehovah's Witness to being...whoever I am today.
There's a lot of great stuff that happened in Arkansas, too. I have a score of friends there, each of whom taught me how to be a better person.
stickypawz uses the term "Soul-forge" quite a bit to describe this process, and in so many ways he's right. I was under a lot of pressure. Things got pretty hot. But in a lot of ways I feel like everyone there helped to burn away my impurities and leave me better for it. Even though there's a lot of bad memories, I can't help but think of just about everyone there fondly. I don't stay in touch often enough, and I don't say this often enough, but I thank each and every one of them. I think of them often, and I miss being with them. Even the crazier ones. :) Honestly and true.Now, though, things are more stable than they've ever been in my life. I'm in a permanent, committed relationship with a man I love. I'm working in a job that gives me skills to better myself either at my current employer or a potential future one. I'm learning all the things that I've struggled to get a handle on up until now -- fiscal discipline, a work ethic, a personal set of standards...all sorts of things. I've taken care of just about everything else in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, so now I'm focusing on -- for lack of a better word -- self-actualization.
It hit me a few days ago, when I was preparing for a trip with friends. My life is pretty soft. I used to worry about being able to pay for the things I needed to. Now I have to worry about not spending all the money I have. I used to wonder about how and where I would get food at one point. Now so much of my time and thought is taken up about being more selective about what I eat. Most of my problems are first-world ones: which cover is best for my iPad? How can I get a replacement guard for my electric razor? When I'm ready to buy a car, should I get a low-end new model, or a mid-grade used one? When I buy clothes, how much should I be willing to pay for something with a classical, timeless style that will last me a long time? So forth and so on.
It's strange, but I feel like I'm coming back from an extreme of excess...even though my lifestyle isn't one of conspicuous consumption. I've had very little, and now I look around me and it feels like I might have a little too much. My focus isn't so much on getting more, it's on getting things that will serve me better, longer. I want things that I'll be comfortable with having over the long haul.
This realization makes me feel incredibly fortunate. I'm lucky enough to be choosy about how I engage with our capitalist culture, to decide when and where I'll buy what I need. I didn't necessarily have that power five years ago. I definitely didn't have it ten years ago. Fifteen years ago? I was eating school lunches in high school. Being able to buy plastic bags full of penny candies was a special occasion.
Remembering where I've come from in a cultural and economic sense brings me a sense of perspective that might have gotten away from me for the past few years. I might use the person I am now as a target for self-deprecation, but I'm happy with where I am. And even though I might not be as powerful or influential as a great deal of people in Silicon Valley -- or even many of my friends -- I do have a measure of power. And with that power, a responsibility to be wise with it. I've worked, and with a few lucky breaks I've managed a pretty soft life. What am I doing with it? Am I using it to soften the lives of those who have it harder?
How can I even begin to do that?
