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Oct. 23rd, 2001 12:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Hullo there....
It's been a while since I've said anything, I suppose, and I'm sorry for anyone who still comes by on occassion to read this. :) It's been a pretty eventful couple of weeks so far, and I'm still trying to work off its effects, so forgive me if I'll be scarce for just a little while longer.
Joey and I had our 'first fight' last week...and it was a big one as far as fights go. I think it would have been a lot smaller, or avoided altogether, if he had just come to me beforehand and said something...but I guess that's beside the point now. I learned a lot about how he operates, and I'd like to say he learned a lot about me, too...but I'm not so sure. I would like to think so, at least.
His argument was that I was spending way too much time on-line, at the negligence of him and the house. He was doing the cleaning, he was doing the laundry...he was buying things and generally taking care of the place while I sat around like a pud all day after work. I could see where he was coming from with that; I do spend a lot of time here...and it's because after dealing with people for eight hours, I don't want to have to deal with anyone. Getting on-line and dealing with fur angst, though, isn't a great way to do it. :)
I guess I just want to shut out the world and escape, more so since I've been so discontent lately. I really do hate my job, and at the time I was fighting for a raise just so I could make *equal* to what everyone else was making. Why should I have to fight for that? People and their addiction to cigarettes wears on you after a while; constantly being seen as just the last obstacle between your beloved pack of smokes gets really disheartening after a while...
Add to that the frustration of the faux, capitalist-inspired patriotism running rampant throughout our country, the writer's block I've had since Sept. 11th, and the lack of any kind of theatrical scene here, and you've just got me breaking down. :) I suppose that deep down in my heart of hearts I'm an idealist. I have a very set 'code' of how the world should work, and it's just not working that way. 9/11 was like a reset, and I'm still building my way through what this 'new world' is looking like.
I've been doing a lot of thinking...and usually, when I rant about what's been going on in my head, people automatically assume that I'm being depressed, when that's not necessarily the case. I'm not being depressed, though I suppose it could easily become that; this is my attempt at sitting back and being 'realist,' of taking stock of the world around me from a perspective I chose not to see before. Of course, this leads to a gaggle of "Why?"s and questions relating to how I fit into the grand scheme of things. This is where all of the revelations come from.
Right now, it feels like I don't really fit into one place on-line. As much as I've been trying to become a part of the on-line furry community for the past few years, nothing's happened to really get me there. All the close friends I've had, all the people I couldn't live without, all the blood, sweat and tears I've put into trying to fit into this place...it doesn't seem like I'm any closer to anyone than I have been when I first stepped onto the MUCKs. And I can't figure out why.
I don't know where this discontent comes from. What makes me chase down this dream that's been unattainable for the past five years, while ignoring my friends and family around me? What makes me strive so hard for the affection of people who just won't see me as anything close to them? What makes me shun the affection of those people around me, alienating them and myself so that I'm fulfilling exactly that which I'm trying to negate? It doesn't make any sense to me.
So, I suppose, I'll be spending quite a bit less time on-line. It's not that I don't care about the people there, really...it's that I care too much. I'm expecting things that aren't reasonable from people and that's where the conflict comes in. In the meantime, I've got a good family network here that I'm completely ignoring...and it's time to start building a 'home' I guess.
I still want to travel, I still want to see the world, meet new people, connect to things that I've never dreamed of before. But at the same time, I *need* to change, to grow older now that I've got new responsibilities and all that. How do I change directions, without changing myself? Are the two necessarily interlinked? How do I grow older, without growing up? I don't *want* to have my head stuck so far up my own ass I can't see anything else...I've seen it happen to so many people, I dread the idea. Of course, with me living inside my head as much as I do, it's inevitable. :)
Ah well...I suppose that's it for now. Just wanted to let people know where I was. :)
It's been a while since I've said anything, I suppose, and I'm sorry for anyone who still comes by on occassion to read this. :) It's been a pretty eventful couple of weeks so far, and I'm still trying to work off its effects, so forgive me if I'll be scarce for just a little while longer.
Joey and I had our 'first fight' last week...and it was a big one as far as fights go. I think it would have been a lot smaller, or avoided altogether, if he had just come to me beforehand and said something...but I guess that's beside the point now. I learned a lot about how he operates, and I'd like to say he learned a lot about me, too...but I'm not so sure. I would like to think so, at least.
His argument was that I was spending way too much time on-line, at the negligence of him and the house. He was doing the cleaning, he was doing the laundry...he was buying things and generally taking care of the place while I sat around like a pud all day after work. I could see where he was coming from with that; I do spend a lot of time here...and it's because after dealing with people for eight hours, I don't want to have to deal with anyone. Getting on-line and dealing with fur angst, though, isn't a great way to do it. :)
I guess I just want to shut out the world and escape, more so since I've been so discontent lately. I really do hate my job, and at the time I was fighting for a raise just so I could make *equal* to what everyone else was making. Why should I have to fight for that? People and their addiction to cigarettes wears on you after a while; constantly being seen as just the last obstacle between your beloved pack of smokes gets really disheartening after a while...
Add to that the frustration of the faux, capitalist-inspired patriotism running rampant throughout our country, the writer's block I've had since Sept. 11th, and the lack of any kind of theatrical scene here, and you've just got me breaking down. :) I suppose that deep down in my heart of hearts I'm an idealist. I have a very set 'code' of how the world should work, and it's just not working that way. 9/11 was like a reset, and I'm still building my way through what this 'new world' is looking like.
I've been doing a lot of thinking...and usually, when I rant about what's been going on in my head, people automatically assume that I'm being depressed, when that's not necessarily the case. I'm not being depressed, though I suppose it could easily become that; this is my attempt at sitting back and being 'realist,' of taking stock of the world around me from a perspective I chose not to see before. Of course, this leads to a gaggle of "Why?"s and questions relating to how I fit into the grand scheme of things. This is where all of the revelations come from.
Right now, it feels like I don't really fit into one place on-line. As much as I've been trying to become a part of the on-line furry community for the past few years, nothing's happened to really get me there. All the close friends I've had, all the people I couldn't live without, all the blood, sweat and tears I've put into trying to fit into this place...it doesn't seem like I'm any closer to anyone than I have been when I first stepped onto the MUCKs. And I can't figure out why.
I don't know where this discontent comes from. What makes me chase down this dream that's been unattainable for the past five years, while ignoring my friends and family around me? What makes me strive so hard for the affection of people who just won't see me as anything close to them? What makes me shun the affection of those people around me, alienating them and myself so that I'm fulfilling exactly that which I'm trying to negate? It doesn't make any sense to me.
So, I suppose, I'll be spending quite a bit less time on-line. It's not that I don't care about the people there, really...it's that I care too much. I'm expecting things that aren't reasonable from people and that's where the conflict comes in. In the meantime, I've got a good family network here that I'm completely ignoring...and it's time to start building a 'home' I guess.
I still want to travel, I still want to see the world, meet new people, connect to things that I've never dreamed of before. But at the same time, I *need* to change, to grow older now that I've got new responsibilities and all that. How do I change directions, without changing myself? Are the two necessarily interlinked? How do I grow older, without growing up? I don't *want* to have my head stuck so far up my own ass I can't see anything else...I've seen it happen to so many people, I dread the idea. Of course, with me living inside my head as much as I do, it's inevitable. :)
Ah well...I suppose that's it for now. Just wanted to let people know where I was. :)
