Five Words: Andreal Edition

[jakebe]

andreal gave me five words to write about, and here they are!


Introspection
There are a couple of different ways I could go with this word. I've always been an introspective person, because, well, I'm an introvert and it's my natural inclination to turn inward, and because the world often doesn't make a lot of sense and I have to try to put the pieces together somehow. But mostly, I've always been fascinated by the idea of each of us having an entire world inside of us, full of its own symbols and meanings, and completely different methods of trying to understand the world put in front of us. This is going to sound strange, but...I'm fascinated by my internal logic; I don't always know why I do the things I do, or why I believe the things I believe, or even *if* I really believe the things I believe sometimes. What's grounded in some sort of rooted basis, and what's simply a product of inertia? The best part about these introspective jaunts is the fact that the world looks a little different every time I re-emerge. I'm able to integrate myself into my environment a little better, I can figure out how I fit in. Introspection, to me, is an absolutely essential element in living well. You need to stop and check on where you're going if you want to have any hope of getting where you want, after all.

Bravery
Hee. :) I'm not sure why I got this word, especially since I don't consider myself a brave person. To me, the highest sort of bravery is making yourself open and vulnerable to the world around you. No doubt, this is because my greatest fear (and desire) is doing just that. It's incredibly difficult. Part of what Rabbit teaches is dealing with that fear, of feeling it but doing what needs to be done anyway. Rabbit *teaches* bravery, so that's a big part of what I'm trying to learn right now. That's what makes Watership Down such an entrancing book; it's about rabbits overcoming the timidity inherent in their natures to do things they'd never thought they could do. More than any of the Thousand Enemies, fear itself is the Big Bad of the book. It drives rabbits to freeze up, even in the face of certain death. What amazes me about the characters in the book is the vast array of reasons they have to be brave, to do the amazing in the face of such a hostile world. It's one thing to crave safety and stability, but it's quite another thing to be afraid of anything new.

Spirituality
My spirituality exists in a nebulous state, but I do consider myself a spiritual person. I wear many hats, depending on my mood: Buddhist, animist, totemist, whatever. I personally believe that spirituality is only useful if you can practice it outside of a spiritual context; you can't go to a church, be an ass the other six days of the week, and call yourself a good Catholic, for example. In order for religion or spirituality or *any* sort of value system to have any meaning, you really do have to make it a working, functional part of your life.

This is what I strive to do with Buddhism. Well, specifically, Zen. I'm not sure I agree with the cosmology of most Buddhist thought, the idea of gods and the afterlife and such. Even if that stuff exists, it doesn't matter. What matters is the immediacy of the present moment, and making sure that whatever's going on you're fully engaged and trying your best to do the best thing possible. That's a very exacting standard on its own, forget about the 'doing it for god' part. It's hard enough doing it just because it's the right thing to do. Even counting ten breaths, for most of us, is impossible.

With Rabbit, things are a bit less...clear. Do I believe that there's some kind of spirit that exists independently of me that comes and goes to guide me through a specific mindset? Well, I'm crazy, but...wow. I don't know. :) I tend to see Rabbit more as a code of conduct, an ideal of myself that I try to work towards every day. It's not a physical attraction to me (though, when I'm feeling particularly rabbit-y, my self-image goes all weird); it's a state of mind, an idea, a personality that I admire and desire to emulate.

Over the years, my spirituality has solidified from a bunch of maxims and symbols that 'feel right' to something far more pragmatic. If something doesn't help me to become a better person, what's the point? A lot more people, I feel, need to take a long look at their spiritual paradigms (or lack thereof) and ask themselves whether or not it's really working for them.

Security
I crave security, I will not deny this. I long to be somewhere safe, with people I trust implicitly, able to be myself without the fear of rejection. Everyone wants this to some degree. It's a very strong motivator for me, though; I've often stuck myself in places or relationships that weren't very good just because they offered some measure of security. The need for it itself is a neutral thing; almost always, in my experience, it's driven me to do negative things.

I think the same holds true for people who've never known security, at least for a while. If you grew up in an unstable home, or have had to undergo some massive upheaval, I think you're far more likely to give up a lot of things you shouldn't just for the chance to have things be 'normal'. This is why people are so willing to give up civil liberties in the interests of safety; people tend to think that we can only be 'brave' when we have some kind of solid footing to stand on. It's completely understandable, if unfortunate.

Marriage
Ryan and I are one of the lucky few people who got married when it was legal to do so in California. I had no idea what a big deal marriage was until we had our ceremony, and there I was surrounded by this family that I had collected over the years, and that Ryan had brought me into, and we were celebrating and reinforcing our union. Marriage is much more than simply a commitment to one person (though it certainly is that); it's a statement of commitment and stability to the community you're in as well. Strengthening the bond between me and my husband makes the whole community stronger. It's a permanence that doesn't fade easily. I fully believe that these bonds are the bonds that hold society together. Nothing less.

Getting married, I think, is the first step towards realizing that your life isn't necessarily all about yourself. You grow up from being dependent on your parents, taking their resources, to just trying to provide for yourself. Then you start to give back to the world around you. Marriage teaches you how to consider other people, how to put the needs of others before yourself, how to think in ways you're not used to. All of these are essential qualities for raising a child, you know. :)

I can't tell you in concrete detail why 'civil unions' mean less than 'marriages', but I'll try. There's the whole politically-oriented "seperate but equal" clause, which we all know is bullshit. But beyond that, there's something reassuring and much, much more wonderful about calling Ryan my husband. Lifemate, domestic partner, civilly unionized, whatever alternative buzzword they can come up with doesn't come close to that. It doesn't carry the same weight, it doesn't mean as much to the people involved, and it certainly doesn't mean as much to the community we're trying to build. It's a poor substitute that people keep trying to make good enough. But it never will be.

I *really* hope this doesn't come across as a "Hahah, I'm married you're not" kind of thing. :) I'm just trying to draw a line between 'marriage' and 'every other pairing thing you can name'.