The Is Have It

[jakebe]

I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess over the past couple of weeks, for various reasons. I’ve worked really hard to keep it hidden from people, but it’s managed to work its way out anyway. I’ve been cold and clingy, and neurotic and weird. I’m not sure who, if anyone, has noticed, but if I’ve done anything to hurt or alienate you I’m sorry.

One thing that’s come from all of this is the realization that I’m horrifically insecure, and that this low self-image is crippling me in any number of ways. Trying to untangle it all often ends up with me stuck thinking in circles around the problem, which means I only end up attacking a few vines without getting to the root of the problem. I’m not really sure what to do with that; I’m really tired of being neurotic about my relationships and making really screwed up decisions based on personal feelings of worthlessness, but whenever I think I’ve gotten the problem solved it just seems to come back in some different form.

The heart of the matter, at least this time, is a lingering sense of shame. Way back when I was a kid, I was considered gifted. I skipped a grade, I won math and spelling bees, I was a high-B student, if not straight-A. I loved school, I liked doing things that were difficult…mostly because I was confident that if I thought about it long enough, I would figure it out. It didn’t occur to me that I would fail…or if I did, it was no big deal. I would get the answer, learn from my mistakes, and kick ass next time. There was no fear associated with learning; I didn’t have any expectations for myself, so if I stumbled there wasn’t much to be disappointed about.

For some reason, the bottom fell out around high school. I could give a number of reasons for this, but all of them would simply sound like excuses, so I won’t go into too much detail about it. The long and the short of it was I was tired of being ignored for being smart and not social, the schoolwork got a lot more difficult, so I stopped caring. I focused on Dungeons and Dragons, this newfound thing called furry, and never looked back. I wasn’t as interested in learning new stuff after that, partially because I had found an image, and I wanted to maintain that image, and I was worried about what people would think of me if I failed.

I dropped out of college after two years. That was almost nine years ago, and what have I done with myself since? I haven’t applied myself to anything. I’m closer to thirty now than twenty, and I look back at the last ten years and…what have I done with them?

I feel like I should be something more than I am. I was the nerd in school. I was the one who would go on to do great things. Then in high school when things got rough I sold out my calling for the comfort of friends. Now eleven years after I graduated I’ve forgotten most of what I knew, haven’t really challenged myself in any way and I’m working for freaking Manpower.

I feel like I’ve wasted my intellect. I know a lot of great people now who challenge themselves every day, who’ve kept themselves in good mental shape. I feel rusty. I feel dull. I feel stupid most of the time, and I really only have myself to blame for it.

What needs to happen is returning to this old mentality of learning, where simply knowing something new was what mattered. I need to get out of my own way when it comes to just about everything; I know how much I worry about what other people are thinking, and I need to seriously just stop that. It’s not doing anyone any good; it’s paralyzing me, it’s giving people much more responsibility over my mood than they’ve asked for, and it’s keeping me from doing what I should be doing. I’m not interested in settling for what’s safe any more.

On a related note, I’ve signed up to go to community college; I’ll be taking a class this semester to get my sea legs under me again, then I’ll be trying a few more classes in January. The ultimate goal is to get a B.A. in English at San Jose State University, then go on to get a Master’s in Library Sciences. I’d like to take a lot of Theatre and Creative Writing courses in there, because, well, I’ll always harbor that secret dream of being a successful writer. If that doesn’t quite work out, I can become a librarian instead.

In the meantime, I really need to find another job. I’ve had extensive experience with customer service and retail, organizing and coordination, that sort of thing. I’m pretty good with people, but I appreciate being able to work on my own. I’m reasonably proficient with most office software. Does anyone know of anything they can point me to? I’m sniffing around at SJSU, but there’s got to be something else out there. I don’t know too much technically, but I’m ready to learn. Any direction someone could point me to would be greatly appreciated.