jakebe | (no subject)

I don't know why, but I feel like the week between Christmas and New Year's day is a spatial dead zone; most people barely have time to come out of their post-holiday daze before ramping up for the end of the year with retrospectives and resolutions for the coming of the new calendar.

I really only have one resolution for this year, and that's to be more mindful. With everyone and everything. The past couple of years I've really hamstringed myself with relationships and really getting close to people by not being fully present when I'm talking to them. I'm always distracted with something else that's going on, replaying songs in my head, thinking about finances or what have you. Frankly, I'm simply tired of not being available for the people I really should be available for. Intimate contact really scares me, mostly because I have this fear that once people see me as I 'really am' they'll think me vulgar and weird, but in the most boring way possible. So I do a lot of censoring, which...gives me distance from everyone I come in contact with. I'm sure there's some resentment about needing to check myself with people all the time, which is pretty messed up because no one's really asking me to do it in the first place.

So...yes. Being aware and considerate of other people. That's my resolution for the new year. I've learned in my old age to keep things simple and basic; saying you'll quit smoking next year is all well and good, but it doesn't do anything for the fact that you have an addictive personality to begin with. What happens when you simply say, shift vices from cigarettes to food or TV?

For Christmas I got mostly stuff I needed; clothes and a bookshelf. :) The clothes are wonderful (it's nice to have a belt so my pants aren't falling off me half the time) and the bookshelf is just...the best. I adore being able to shelve my books finally. Hooray!

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