Where Is My Mind?
Feb. 16th, 2006 11:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Great, now I have the Pixies stuck in my head! That guitar riff at the end of "Fight Club" is one of the catchiest things ever...a near-perfect marriage of image and music in movies. Say what you will about the views expressed, it's one of the tightest films anyone is likely to see.
Whoo, where have I been since...Monday evening? It's best to take this in chronological order.
The Zen meditation group went well! There were a lot more people there than ever, which is good, and they seem to have developed into a genuine sangha, which is very cool. A bit of background, I suppose, is now in order.
The local Presbyterian church is one of the most multi-denominational places of worship in Fayetteville. In addition to holding the Zen meditation group on Monday evenings, there's also a much fluffier New Age generic Buddhist meditation group on Thursday evenings. It's also where a local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous meets and where the Quakers have their meetings. I *think* there's also a Unitarian Universalist service held there, but I'm not sure.
I found Jack (plug: http://zentalks.blogspot.com) through the Thursday meditation group and started going there instead; the Monday group focused much more on the practice, with 30 minutes of zazen, 10 minutes of kinhin, and 20 more minutes of zazen, followed by a brief talk about some element of sitting or carrying the practice with you out into the world. It was bare bones, which to me, is what Zen is supposed to be.
Anyway, when I was there only three people showed to the meetings regularly; a retired couple who had a cabin in the woods somewhere between here and Eureka Springs and Jack. They were all nice enough, but...there was a very distinct disparity in lifestyles between myself and the other three. I was never made to feel unwelcome, but I always felt like I was being somewhat intrusive when showing up; all three of the other members were extensive travellers, set up financially for the rest of their lives, and could devote long hours to meditation or a hobby or two. The difference between lifestyles naturally dictated a difference in priorities. While mine weren't any better or worse than theirs, there was a gap in communication that lingered.
I left after appearing regularly for about three months. That was a year ago, and last Monday was my first time back. The community has grown into about a dozen people; most of them are, like Jack and Matt and Shiela, elderly, retired, well-off financially. They read Tricycle magazine and actually buy the meditation aids in the ads from time to time, stuff like that. However, there's so much variety in background and mindset and experience in the practice the group feels a lot more open now; it doesn't feel like a private club that some people of a certain background fit in better than others.
There's been a struggle to deal with the perpetual feeling of being permanently labeled an 'outsider' for years within me. No matter what community I'm a part of, how friendly the inhabitants, how close I am to individual members within that group, I *always* feel seperate. *Never* a part of things. I suspect a lot of this has to do with experiences in school where I was, you know, an actual outsider, and maybe I've just permanently wired to incorporate that into my self-image. But even when there's every opportunity for me to join a group, become an accepted member, there's always the retreat, the watching from the sidelines, the romanticization of my plight into some Chaplin-esque trampery in which I cut a tragicomic figure silhouetted against a world in which I can never be a part.
Really what's going on is I'm just being silly.
So, I think I'll become a regular member of this sangha and see where it goes. I'm only one of two people under 30 and the *only* black guy there, but that's not a bad thing. I need to stop looking at it from a 'this group isn't meant for me' perspective and more from a 'I have something valuable and unique to offer these people' perspective.
When I got home from the meeting I decided to cook! I was really excited about trying out the whole home-cooking menu thing, and I went into it with gusto. I cut up some red and green bell peppers, chopped half an onion, added some baby bella mushrooms, two cans of tomato paste and one can of diced tomatoes. Thawed the chicken, cooked the pasta, pan-fried the chicken with a bit of vegetable oil and salt, and cooked the sauce. Go me!
Let's see, dumped all the vegetables, tomatoes and paste together, added black pepper and minced garlic, and let it cook for about 20 minutes...which really isn't near long enough for all the flavors to blend. I added the basil and oregano last, cooked for about 5 minutes more and served. And...it wasn't bad. I think the leftover sauce'll taste a lot better since everything's been sitting for a little bit. I was really pleased with how chunky it all came out and the sauce just...looked great. ;) I'm keenly interested in tricks you can use to serve food with a flourish now. God I'm so gay.
Anyway, haven't really tried anything since then, because I've been pretty busy with writing and watching movies mostly. Tonight I have a *bit* of time, but I'm just going to be boring and have potato soup with baked chicken or some such. :)
Tuesday was really awesome, and it's all![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
toob's fault. We both got out respective packages to each other by Monday evening and I tore mine open at midnight. ;) We ended up getting each other the same book (Tony Hoagland's "What Narcissism Means to Me"), which somehow just makes me love him even more. :) I also got a box of white tea, more chocolate than you can shake a stick at (I'll be sharing some of it for Buffy night on Saturday if anyone's interested), two boxes of inscence, a neat little holder from India, and the best mix CD from Tube ever! :) It really is my favorite thus far, I've been playing it nonstop since I got it. :)
I bought him three Tony Hoagland books, a signed Billy Collins book and a box of Donnelly Chocolates. We also called each other; I read "Japan" to him and he sang to me, over the phone. I was...in tears over it. For a long time. :) It was a song he had written some ten years ago and had shared with just a few people over the years. I felt...so privileged. It's so amazing that even now I'm speechless. Just...incredible. Wow. I love this guy. There really are no words.
This was supposed to lead into how I first met Tube and everything, which (to me) is a funny story, but...there's a *lot* I have to do and, you know, I've rambled on long enough. I'll try and sit down tonight to bang out the rest of this rambling.
Whoo, where have I been since...Monday evening? It's best to take this in chronological order.
The Zen meditation group went well! There were a lot more people there than ever, which is good, and they seem to have developed into a genuine sangha, which is very cool. A bit of background, I suppose, is now in order.
The local Presbyterian church is one of the most multi-denominational places of worship in Fayetteville. In addition to holding the Zen meditation group on Monday evenings, there's also a much fluffier New Age generic Buddhist meditation group on Thursday evenings. It's also where a local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous meets and where the Quakers have their meetings. I *think* there's also a Unitarian Universalist service held there, but I'm not sure.
I found Jack (plug: http://zentalks.blogspot.com) through the Thursday meditation group and started going there instead; the Monday group focused much more on the practice, with 30 minutes of zazen, 10 minutes of kinhin, and 20 more minutes of zazen, followed by a brief talk about some element of sitting or carrying the practice with you out into the world. It was bare bones, which to me, is what Zen is supposed to be.
Anyway, when I was there only three people showed to the meetings regularly; a retired couple who had a cabin in the woods somewhere between here and Eureka Springs and Jack. They were all nice enough, but...there was a very distinct disparity in lifestyles between myself and the other three. I was never made to feel unwelcome, but I always felt like I was being somewhat intrusive when showing up; all three of the other members were extensive travellers, set up financially for the rest of their lives, and could devote long hours to meditation or a hobby or two. The difference between lifestyles naturally dictated a difference in priorities. While mine weren't any better or worse than theirs, there was a gap in communication that lingered.
I left after appearing regularly for about three months. That was a year ago, and last Monday was my first time back. The community has grown into about a dozen people; most of them are, like Jack and Matt and Shiela, elderly, retired, well-off financially. They read Tricycle magazine and actually buy the meditation aids in the ads from time to time, stuff like that. However, there's so much variety in background and mindset and experience in the practice the group feels a lot more open now; it doesn't feel like a private club that some people of a certain background fit in better than others.
There's been a struggle to deal with the perpetual feeling of being permanently labeled an 'outsider' for years within me. No matter what community I'm a part of, how friendly the inhabitants, how close I am to individual members within that group, I *always* feel seperate. *Never* a part of things. I suspect a lot of this has to do with experiences in school where I was, you know, an actual outsider, and maybe I've just permanently wired to incorporate that into my self-image. But even when there's every opportunity for me to join a group, become an accepted member, there's always the retreat, the watching from the sidelines, the romanticization of my plight into some Chaplin-esque trampery in which I cut a tragicomic figure silhouetted against a world in which I can never be a part.
Really what's going on is I'm just being silly.
So, I think I'll become a regular member of this sangha and see where it goes. I'm only one of two people under 30 and the *only* black guy there, but that's not a bad thing. I need to stop looking at it from a 'this group isn't meant for me' perspective and more from a 'I have something valuable and unique to offer these people' perspective.
When I got home from the meeting I decided to cook! I was really excited about trying out the whole home-cooking menu thing, and I went into it with gusto. I cut up some red and green bell peppers, chopped half an onion, added some baby bella mushrooms, two cans of tomato paste and one can of diced tomatoes. Thawed the chicken, cooked the pasta, pan-fried the chicken with a bit of vegetable oil and salt, and cooked the sauce. Go me!
Let's see, dumped all the vegetables, tomatoes and paste together, added black pepper and minced garlic, and let it cook for about 20 minutes...which really isn't near long enough for all the flavors to blend. I added the basil and oregano last, cooked for about 5 minutes more and served. And...it wasn't bad. I think the leftover sauce'll taste a lot better since everything's been sitting for a little bit. I was really pleased with how chunky it all came out and the sauce just...looked great. ;) I'm keenly interested in tricks you can use to serve food with a flourish now. God I'm so gay.
Anyway, haven't really tried anything since then, because I've been pretty busy with writing and watching movies mostly. Tonight I have a *bit* of time, but I'm just going to be boring and have potato soup with baked chicken or some such. :)
Tuesday was really awesome, and it's all
toob's fault. We both got out respective packages to each other by Monday evening and I tore mine open at midnight. ;) We ended up getting each other the same book (Tony Hoagland's "What Narcissism Means to Me"), which somehow just makes me love him even more. :) I also got a box of white tea, more chocolate than you can shake a stick at (I'll be sharing some of it for Buffy night on Saturday if anyone's interested), two boxes of inscence, a neat little holder from India, and the best mix CD from Tube ever! :) It really is my favorite thus far, I've been playing it nonstop since I got it. :)I bought him three Tony Hoagland books, a signed Billy Collins book and a box of Donnelly Chocolates. We also called each other; I read "Japan" to him and he sang to me, over the phone. I was...in tears over it. For a long time. :) It was a song he had written some ten years ago and had shared with just a few people over the years. I felt...so privileged. It's so amazing that even now I'm speechless. Just...incredible. Wow. I love this guy. There really are no words.
This was supposed to lead into how I first met Tube and everything, which (to me) is a funny story, but...there's a *lot* I have to do and, you know, I've rambled on long enough. I'll try and sit down tonight to bang out the rest of this rambling.
