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Meta-Thinking
Jul. 5th, 2024 11:00 am Yesterday I did not take mushrooms. That was the plan, but it was hot and I just...wasn't feeling it.
I'm not anticipating anything mind-blowing but at the same time, it'd be nice to have some time to work through the trip afterward. I didn't take today off, so I'd be pretty distracted trying to catch up on the day job.
The current plan is to dose tonight after our Kobold D&D Game. Sneppers actually scored entertainment of a different variety, so he, Ratty, and Pup will be on that trip while I'm doing my thing. I'm not sure how much overlap there will be, but I'd also like to make sure I'm trip-sitting properly. It's Pup's first time and I want to make sure he feels as safe and supported as possible. <3
Still "waking up" in general, taking stock of the person I've become over the past ten years. I think I'm making progress climbing out of that particular hole and assessing where my relationships are, so that's good. Reckoning with the ways in which I've been dishonest isn't an easy part of that process, but also necessary. I'm aware of the ways I've been lying to myself, too, and I'll need to take some space to unpack that.
One of the things I've forgotten over time is the power of framing your own story. You don't have control over the things that have happened to you, and you can't go back to change the mistakes you've already made -- but the story you tell yourself about those things gives you some measure of control over how those events have shaped you. I think people mean something like this when they tell people to get out of "victim mentality", which is the clumsy and discompassionate phrasing that fucks up the actual, really useful point being made here.
I fell back into this internal narrative of being irredeemably broken and unable to...really be of use to anyone. My brain is too unreliable to be consistent, so the best I can do is be kind and hope that gets me through. The world is hostile and unknowable, and people can't really be understood. You think you know people, but that's only because you see what they allow you to. Beneath that, they're all intolerant assholes. Having friends vote for Trump, or say some of the shit they did in the summer of 2020 when the protests around police brutality were popping off, really fucked me up. The community of trusted allies I thought I had just...evaporated. The people I thought understood things...didn't.
Suddenly I was faced with the reality of living in a country where I was a gay black Buddhist dude without a college degree and a much more unstable support network than I thought. I couldn't trust anyone, and the sheer anger I felt about that couldn't really be directed anywhere. We were still in lockdown.
So I swallowed a lot of fear, anxiety, and anger, then numbed it with marijuana. I didn't think I could deal with it myself and I didn't trust anyone else to work through this with me, so I just kept numbing until some future date where I felt strong enough to deal with it.
For the record, I still don't feel strong enough to deal with this. I wish I had an available and trusted therapist. I wish I had better emotional language. And I wish I trusted people more easily, and took it better when that trust is broken.
But I'll never feel strong enough, that's the neat part. Life is a series of challenges you don't feel ready for, and then you grow to meet them.
So here I am, digging through all of this maladaptive behavior and trying to get at the root of things so I can shift it toward something more productive. It's a slower, messier process when you're doing it yourself but it forces you to come at it with a level of honesty and rigor that serves you well everywhere else. I'm hoping that some time later, being honest with myself -- and learning how to be honest with others -- is the default instead of something I have to remember to do.
It's just tough being honest with yourself when you know your experience is filtered through a warped perception. Are the lessons I learn actually true, or has my anxiety or depression gotten better at sounding reasonable? I thought I'd be able to get a reality check elsewhere, but...I'm learning that might not have the desired effect of being more trustworthy.
I guess the only way out is through. Learning how my brain works, how I tend to lie to myself, and what throws me into that "distrustful, paranoid gremlin" mode.
I'm not anticipating anything mind-blowing but at the same time, it'd be nice to have some time to work through the trip afterward. I didn't take today off, so I'd be pretty distracted trying to catch up on the day job.
The current plan is to dose tonight after our Kobold D&D Game. Sneppers actually scored entertainment of a different variety, so he, Ratty, and Pup will be on that trip while I'm doing my thing. I'm not sure how much overlap there will be, but I'd also like to make sure I'm trip-sitting properly. It's Pup's first time and I want to make sure he feels as safe and supported as possible. <3
Still "waking up" in general, taking stock of the person I've become over the past ten years. I think I'm making progress climbing out of that particular hole and assessing where my relationships are, so that's good. Reckoning with the ways in which I've been dishonest isn't an easy part of that process, but also necessary. I'm aware of the ways I've been lying to myself, too, and I'll need to take some space to unpack that.
One of the things I've forgotten over time is the power of framing your own story. You don't have control over the things that have happened to you, and you can't go back to change the mistakes you've already made -- but the story you tell yourself about those things gives you some measure of control over how those events have shaped you. I think people mean something like this when they tell people to get out of "victim mentality", which is the clumsy and discompassionate phrasing that fucks up the actual, really useful point being made here.
I fell back into this internal narrative of being irredeemably broken and unable to...really be of use to anyone. My brain is too unreliable to be consistent, so the best I can do is be kind and hope that gets me through. The world is hostile and unknowable, and people can't really be understood. You think you know people, but that's only because you see what they allow you to. Beneath that, they're all intolerant assholes. Having friends vote for Trump, or say some of the shit they did in the summer of 2020 when the protests around police brutality were popping off, really fucked me up. The community of trusted allies I thought I had just...evaporated. The people I thought understood things...didn't.
Suddenly I was faced with the reality of living in a country where I was a gay black Buddhist dude without a college degree and a much more unstable support network than I thought. I couldn't trust anyone, and the sheer anger I felt about that couldn't really be directed anywhere. We were still in lockdown.
So I swallowed a lot of fear, anxiety, and anger, then numbed it with marijuana. I didn't think I could deal with it myself and I didn't trust anyone else to work through this with me, so I just kept numbing until some future date where I felt strong enough to deal with it.
For the record, I still don't feel strong enough to deal with this. I wish I had an available and trusted therapist. I wish I had better emotional language. And I wish I trusted people more easily, and took it better when that trust is broken.
But I'll never feel strong enough, that's the neat part. Life is a series of challenges you don't feel ready for, and then you grow to meet them.
So here I am, digging through all of this maladaptive behavior and trying to get at the root of things so I can shift it toward something more productive. It's a slower, messier process when you're doing it yourself but it forces you to come at it with a level of honesty and rigor that serves you well everywhere else. I'm hoping that some time later, being honest with myself -- and learning how to be honest with others -- is the default instead of something I have to remember to do.
It's just tough being honest with yourself when you know your experience is filtered through a warped perception. Are the lessons I learn actually true, or has my anxiety or depression gotten better at sounding reasonable? I thought I'd be able to get a reality check elsewhere, but...I'm learning that might not have the desired effect of being more trustworthy.
I guess the only way out is through. Learning how my brain works, how I tend to lie to myself, and what throws me into that "distrustful, paranoid gremlin" mode.
