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I didn't journal yesterday for...some reason. I think I just caught up in the business of the day first thing that morning and life just...swept me along. We had our weekly team meeting at the day job and went over the results of the big monthly catch-up project. We were 90 reports short of goal, but that's *still* a team record *and* without the temporary help we were supposed to get last month. I'm happy with the way my work improved and happy the team is...well, at least we're being recognized for our successes. The bonus money would have been great, but it's best not to expect it.
Walked out for a Taco Bell lunch with Ratty. We talked about FFXIV mostly; Dawntrail came out for early access, so he's telling me all about the side roads and alleyways he's getting into when he's not playing the Main Quest. He's really taking the time for his crafting classes, and today his Goldsmith is his highest-level job at 95. For some reason, that's really funny to me -- but it's only temporary. He's trying to keep all five(?) job types evenly-leveled, and that's spreading the available XP pretty thin. He and Sneppers are getting level-locked out of MSQs (main story quests) regularly.
Which gives me a *little* bit of breathing room for Endwalker -- the previous expansion. I'm enjoying the pace of it, though, and getting invested in the story even though the stakes are relatively low at the moment. I can't say enough about the writing for FFXIV, it's just so much better than any other MMO I've ever played.
After lunch I had a long phone call with my Gay Son. I've settled into a comfortably paternal vibe with him, though I don't see myself even remotely as a father figure in general. I see so much of myself in him, including the inclinations toward self-destructive behavior, and I often find myself getting lost in the mistakes of my past and the lessons I've learned from them -- even when they're unasked for or not even particularly relevant. I can tell when I lose him, or when he's just letting me go on, but it's nice of him to give me the space to revisit those times even when he has so much going on.
It's a tough tightrope to walk, because I'm the last friendship standing in our group and there's still so many hurt feelings on all sides. The inclination to help is overwhelming, but...I've seen it over and over again how helping clumsily can make things worse. The failure mode of helping in delicate situations is "meddling".
So I try to focus on the introspective process, how to internalize the experience so it makes you a better person in the future. I mean, it's not like I have that process down cold either, but I've put a lot of work in and I've learned a thing or two that makes it easier. But that's an inexact science too, and there's no guarantee that goes the way you expect either. More than anything, I just want this kid to stop looking for validation from other people, but I also know how impossible that is when you've internalized the idea that you're worth less than other people because of some inherent flaw.
Right now I'm going through this issue where...I'm trying to be different but I'm also painfully aware of my track record of improvement inspiring absolutely no faith in me. I can try to make myself accountable for writing, or dieting, or whatever, but Sneppers and Ratty will not take me seriously at all. And they're right not to.
But those billion-plus previous failures have not been in vain, and where they see a graveyard of broken promises I see rich earthy loam I guess. I understand a lot more about how my brain works and where I tend to run into problems -- and I know I'll run into problems and face-plant. I'll start and stop here and there, drop some things if I find I don't have the spoons for them, pick them up again maybe too soon -- but it's still all being considered.
Anyway, I guess I'm realizing just how little my word means to people and how -- through my nature and poor choices -- I've backed myself into that corner. It stings, I'm not going to lie. And I wish my husband and best friend saw me as more reliable.
BUT in order to start there I have to acknowledge where we all are. I have let both of them down a ton in the past. I've lied to their faces, and they know it. It won't be easy to undo that damage, to repair someone's belief in me.
The only way to do it is by walking the walk. Do what I say I'll do. Behave like a more conscientious person in general. Be more earnest and honest. And I can't just do it for the promise that one day, they'll believe me or think of me the way I want them to, because I have no control over that.
What I do have control over is how trustworthy I choose to be moving forward. So, I can be honest and earnest with people and still get the reactions that I'm not being honest, either through a faulty memory or lying, and...I just have to accept that. Take the L and move on. The knowledge that I'm doing my best to be the person I want to be has to be enough to sustain the effort, because that's all I can really control.
Much of the work of self-improvement is lonely. It becomes a lot easier when you can be honest and supportive of yourself. The problem is, so much of us have never learned how to do that. In some cases, our parents made us internalize the expectation we won't get any support and don't deserve it. It's really hard to balance the need to own your mistakes with the need for grace. I'm still learning how to be kinder but firmer with myself. My parents never showed me how, so I just have to figure it out as a 44-year-old man.
Hopefully, I can make it easier for the people figuring this out behind me too.
Walked out for a Taco Bell lunch with Ratty. We talked about FFXIV mostly; Dawntrail came out for early access, so he's telling me all about the side roads and alleyways he's getting into when he's not playing the Main Quest. He's really taking the time for his crafting classes, and today his Goldsmith is his highest-level job at 95. For some reason, that's really funny to me -- but it's only temporary. He's trying to keep all five(?) job types evenly-leveled, and that's spreading the available XP pretty thin. He and Sneppers are getting level-locked out of MSQs (main story quests) regularly.
Which gives me a *little* bit of breathing room for Endwalker -- the previous expansion. I'm enjoying the pace of it, though, and getting invested in the story even though the stakes are relatively low at the moment. I can't say enough about the writing for FFXIV, it's just so much better than any other MMO I've ever played.
After lunch I had a long phone call with my Gay Son. I've settled into a comfortably paternal vibe with him, though I don't see myself even remotely as a father figure in general. I see so much of myself in him, including the inclinations toward self-destructive behavior, and I often find myself getting lost in the mistakes of my past and the lessons I've learned from them -- even when they're unasked for or not even particularly relevant. I can tell when I lose him, or when he's just letting me go on, but it's nice of him to give me the space to revisit those times even when he has so much going on.
It's a tough tightrope to walk, because I'm the last friendship standing in our group and there's still so many hurt feelings on all sides. The inclination to help is overwhelming, but...I've seen it over and over again how helping clumsily can make things worse. The failure mode of helping in delicate situations is "meddling".
So I try to focus on the introspective process, how to internalize the experience so it makes you a better person in the future. I mean, it's not like I have that process down cold either, but I've put a lot of work in and I've learned a thing or two that makes it easier. But that's an inexact science too, and there's no guarantee that goes the way you expect either. More than anything, I just want this kid to stop looking for validation from other people, but I also know how impossible that is when you've internalized the idea that you're worth less than other people because of some inherent flaw.
Right now I'm going through this issue where...I'm trying to be different but I'm also painfully aware of my track record of improvement inspiring absolutely no faith in me. I can try to make myself accountable for writing, or dieting, or whatever, but Sneppers and Ratty will not take me seriously at all. And they're right not to.
But those billion-plus previous failures have not been in vain, and where they see a graveyard of broken promises I see rich earthy loam I guess. I understand a lot more about how my brain works and where I tend to run into problems -- and I know I'll run into problems and face-plant. I'll start and stop here and there, drop some things if I find I don't have the spoons for them, pick them up again maybe too soon -- but it's still all being considered.
Anyway, I guess I'm realizing just how little my word means to people and how -- through my nature and poor choices -- I've backed myself into that corner. It stings, I'm not going to lie. And I wish my husband and best friend saw me as more reliable.
BUT in order to start there I have to acknowledge where we all are. I have let both of them down a ton in the past. I've lied to their faces, and they know it. It won't be easy to undo that damage, to repair someone's belief in me.
The only way to do it is by walking the walk. Do what I say I'll do. Behave like a more conscientious person in general. Be more earnest and honest. And I can't just do it for the promise that one day, they'll believe me or think of me the way I want them to, because I have no control over that.
What I do have control over is how trustworthy I choose to be moving forward. So, I can be honest and earnest with people and still get the reactions that I'm not being honest, either through a faulty memory or lying, and...I just have to accept that. Take the L and move on. The knowledge that I'm doing my best to be the person I want to be has to be enough to sustain the effort, because that's all I can really control.
Much of the work of self-improvement is lonely. It becomes a lot easier when you can be honest and supportive of yourself. The problem is, so much of us have never learned how to do that. In some cases, our parents made us internalize the expectation we won't get any support and don't deserve it. It's really hard to balance the need to own your mistakes with the need for grace. I'm still learning how to be kinder but firmer with myself. My parents never showed me how, so I just have to figure it out as a 44-year-old man.
Hopefully, I can make it easier for the people figuring this out behind me too.
