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Yesterday turned out to be surprisingly busy even though I didn't do that much. I did take a shower in the middle of the day AND went through my entire face-cleaning routine; it was like having a little spa visit before I reheated chicken in the microwave for lunch. :9
I've been thinking a lot about the thing with Snepperboo on Friday; in hindsight it wasn't that big a deal, but it felt like this...thread that would expose this big tangled knot if I pulled it. So many problems in life are like that, it seems. There are a bunch of smaller chronic issues that intersect in these ways that cause huge knots. Sometimes those knots develop slowly over time, so slowly we don't realize they're there until we notice the unbearable tension of the tangle.
With Friday, it felt like my chronic under-preparedness, my insecurity about being in a position of authority, and a long-simmering resentment about feeling disrespected crashed against Snep's deal in a particularly sharp way. For me, taking the time to untangle the knot, to see each factor that contributed to it, helps me to understand the complex relationship of factors at play. And, by taking a look at what I brought into the situation, I learn what kinds of tensions I can expect, what they feel like in the moment, and how I can cope with them to make more mindful choices. Ultimately that's the only thing I have control over.
But understanding how someone else things can also go a long way to dissipating the anger I feel over a certain behavior. It no longer feels malicious most of the time; it's a coping mechanism or an instinctive response to some invisible, unnoticed hurt. I sincerely believe that most of the time people aren't malicious or selfish at their core, so most behaviors don't come from that place. Most people are just trying to make their way in the world, and their experiences teach them behaviors and perspectives that are bound to rub others the wrong way.
It's important for me to keep this in mind. I don't like the person I become if I lose the ability to see how someone comes to think as they do. To me, if you can't recognize that the same behaviors and attitudes that drive you crazy in someone else could easily be yours under different circumstances, that speaks to a lack of empathy.
And ultimately it's the lack of empathy that makes me feel unsafe. I hate framing it this way because it sounds so incredibly New Age, but my sense of empathy is one of the main ways I move through the world and a major tool in my box for connecting with people. When I encounter a behavior or attitude that feels strange to me, it's almost second nature for me to try and "map" the gap between us. What unspoken assumptions are being made by this person? Why would they make those assumptions? What is their perspective blinding them to?
That's really interesting to me. As I get older, I realize all the myriad factors that go into someone's personality -- and how some things transcend things like income bracket or cultural background. It can be difficult to tease out which parts belong to which layer, like what parts are universal human condition, what comes from upbringing, personality, religious background, era of cultural development, etc. etc. We are these bundles of influences shaped by what's around us, but with the power to choose what we're shaped by and how.
So, the work becomes figuring out how those influences shape us, and how I can take the things that have influenced me forward to shape myself into the best version. This journal is a good way of doing that, noting all of the influences that shape my days, taking a look at them in aggregate, seeing how moods develop and change over time.
Maybe it would help to think of a journal like a cloud atlas, something impossible to make meaning of while you're creating it because you're far too close. When finished, or compared against others of its kind, a picture emerges.
This journal is as much an act of chronicling what influences me as it is an act of *shaping* what influences me. Maybe by approaching this with that air of intentionality I can train my brain toward the traits I'd rather have.
We'll see. Consistency is the only way we'll find an answer, given time.
I've been thinking a lot about the thing with Snepperboo on Friday; in hindsight it wasn't that big a deal, but it felt like this...thread that would expose this big tangled knot if I pulled it. So many problems in life are like that, it seems. There are a bunch of smaller chronic issues that intersect in these ways that cause huge knots. Sometimes those knots develop slowly over time, so slowly we don't realize they're there until we notice the unbearable tension of the tangle.
With Friday, it felt like my chronic under-preparedness, my insecurity about being in a position of authority, and a long-simmering resentment about feeling disrespected crashed against Snep's deal in a particularly sharp way. For me, taking the time to untangle the knot, to see each factor that contributed to it, helps me to understand the complex relationship of factors at play. And, by taking a look at what I brought into the situation, I learn what kinds of tensions I can expect, what they feel like in the moment, and how I can cope with them to make more mindful choices. Ultimately that's the only thing I have control over.
But understanding how someone else things can also go a long way to dissipating the anger I feel over a certain behavior. It no longer feels malicious most of the time; it's a coping mechanism or an instinctive response to some invisible, unnoticed hurt. I sincerely believe that most of the time people aren't malicious or selfish at their core, so most behaviors don't come from that place. Most people are just trying to make their way in the world, and their experiences teach them behaviors and perspectives that are bound to rub others the wrong way.
It's important for me to keep this in mind. I don't like the person I become if I lose the ability to see how someone comes to think as they do. To me, if you can't recognize that the same behaviors and attitudes that drive you crazy in someone else could easily be yours under different circumstances, that speaks to a lack of empathy.
And ultimately it's the lack of empathy that makes me feel unsafe. I hate framing it this way because it sounds so incredibly New Age, but my sense of empathy is one of the main ways I move through the world and a major tool in my box for connecting with people. When I encounter a behavior or attitude that feels strange to me, it's almost second nature for me to try and "map" the gap between us. What unspoken assumptions are being made by this person? Why would they make those assumptions? What is their perspective blinding them to?
That's really interesting to me. As I get older, I realize all the myriad factors that go into someone's personality -- and how some things transcend things like income bracket or cultural background. It can be difficult to tease out which parts belong to which layer, like what parts are universal human condition, what comes from upbringing, personality, religious background, era of cultural development, etc. etc. We are these bundles of influences shaped by what's around us, but with the power to choose what we're shaped by and how.
So, the work becomes figuring out how those influences shape us, and how I can take the things that have influenced me forward to shape myself into the best version. This journal is a good way of doing that, noting all of the influences that shape my days, taking a look at them in aggregate, seeing how moods develop and change over time.
Maybe it would help to think of a journal like a cloud atlas, something impossible to make meaning of while you're creating it because you're far too close. When finished, or compared against others of its kind, a picture emerges.
This journal is as much an act of chronicling what influences me as it is an act of *shaping* what influences me. Maybe by approaching this with that air of intentionality I can train my brain toward the traits I'd rather have.
We'll see. Consistency is the only way we'll find an answer, given time.
