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May. 13th, 2024 09:30 am
The Unlicensed Adventures game on Friday evening went relatively well. The gang managed to escape the Leonin Embassy before the fail-safe kicked in, melting the whole complex and everyone still in it to hellfire slag. Now they have a few survivors, Hesper's intelligence, and the diary that an athame-possessed Veris managed to pull out of a secret compartment in the wall.
It was a rough start. I didn't feel ready, and you could tell because my nerves were so bad. I notice that when I have a lot of moving parts I tend to get disoriented, especially when players are queueing things up while I'm still trying to square something behind the scenes. It really proves that I *have* to make sure the details are laid down going into these things or else mistakes WILL happen.
Snepperboo can really exacerbate this sometimes. He can suck the oxygen out of the table when he wants something to happen -- or when he's not happy that he's being restricted in a way he didn't anticipate. When I'm already feeling overwhelmed the instinct is to roll over and show my belly, which isn't great when I'm trying to maintain some level of authority.
For example, Mrrog (a recurring villain) popped up with an attach while Snep's character is carrying two people down a hallway. Mrrog has a sneak attack, and he's been moving through the complex during his initiative order. I've done the work behind the scenes to justify his held action and damage dice, but there's always the possibility that a PC has something that negates it (can't be surprised, etc.).
I try to make allowances for that, because there's a lot going on and stuff will slip my mind. Besides, I'm trying to hide what I'm doing in Fantasy Grounds but I'm *also* wrestling with token visibility vs. combat tracker visibility; double-checking Mrrog's character kit to make sure I *am* being fair with it; figuring out how the dice work in Fantasy Grounds; fighting with the mask layer so that Mrrog can actually move into the same room; whispering to another PC because his intelligent item is talking to him, etc. etc.
It's a LOT. I'm at my limit, I'm Lucy in the chocolate factory. So it throws me especially hard when, say, Snep wants to describe the killing blow for this dude but a different PC gets the blow to take him out. I acknowledge this, but want to give the other PC *something* for landing the combat-ending blow while *also* prepping for what comes next, so I say "How do you want to do this?"
Not great shorthand, I know. But then Snep jumps in and goes "I SAID I WANTED THIS YOU REALLY NEED TO LISTEN" because he thinks I'm not going to give him the moment -- when I am. I'm just giving a moment to someone else so they can do something cool *too*.
When I'm trying to juggle a million things because I really care about getting this right and then get that big "YOU'RE FUCKING UP" jibe right at the wrong time, it just...throws everything off.
Even though everyone said they really loved the game and I'm really happy about how a lot of that came off, that's the thing I'll remember about the session -- to the point that all of my preparation will go towards avoiding shit like that in the future.
But...mistakes happen and you can't avoid them all the time. And Snep doesn't mean to throw me off-balance like that, he's just reacting. It's just this perfect storm that feels laser-guided to my anxiety. It's hard to tease out what I'm just being way too sensitive about vs. what I can ask for with changes in behavior. My inclination is to blame my lack of prep and vow to get better about that.
BUT I need actual time to prepare and work on the game, which is another big point of anxiety. If I have to devote all of my work time to actual work then when am I going to do anything else? It feels like my time isn't really mine; if I'm not working there's some social thing or gym or cooking. So I'm going to have to start setting boundaries about that.
None of this is comfortable, but that's kind of the point. Writing all of this down helps me solidify these nebulous little thoughts so I can actually...act on them.
With the game, for instance, it helps knowing that in situations where I'm feeling overwhelmed it's a good idea to take a pause, gather my thoughts, and make a mindful decision instead of defaulting to fawning behavior. Even if I get caught in a mistake, it's easier to acknowledge and correct it when I'm not just reacting from this big emotional place.
And it helps me narrow down exactly how Sneppers can help keep me from spinning out in those situations.
This week, the social pressure is eased somewhat at least. I'm going to work on a schedule as closely as I can, and set a few small goals (like finally finishing up the 'installation' of my computer desk).
It was a rough start. I didn't feel ready, and you could tell because my nerves were so bad. I notice that when I have a lot of moving parts I tend to get disoriented, especially when players are queueing things up while I'm still trying to square something behind the scenes. It really proves that I *have* to make sure the details are laid down going into these things or else mistakes WILL happen.
Snepperboo can really exacerbate this sometimes. He can suck the oxygen out of the table when he wants something to happen -- or when he's not happy that he's being restricted in a way he didn't anticipate. When I'm already feeling overwhelmed the instinct is to roll over and show my belly, which isn't great when I'm trying to maintain some level of authority.
For example, Mrrog (a recurring villain) popped up with an attach while Snep's character is carrying two people down a hallway. Mrrog has a sneak attack, and he's been moving through the complex during his initiative order. I've done the work behind the scenes to justify his held action and damage dice, but there's always the possibility that a PC has something that negates it (can't be surprised, etc.).
I try to make allowances for that, because there's a lot going on and stuff will slip my mind. Besides, I'm trying to hide what I'm doing in Fantasy Grounds but I'm *also* wrestling with token visibility vs. combat tracker visibility; double-checking Mrrog's character kit to make sure I *am* being fair with it; figuring out how the dice work in Fantasy Grounds; fighting with the mask layer so that Mrrog can actually move into the same room; whispering to another PC because his intelligent item is talking to him, etc. etc.
It's a LOT. I'm at my limit, I'm Lucy in the chocolate factory. So it throws me especially hard when, say, Snep wants to describe the killing blow for this dude but a different PC gets the blow to take him out. I acknowledge this, but want to give the other PC *something* for landing the combat-ending blow while *also* prepping for what comes next, so I say "How do you want to do this?"
Not great shorthand, I know. But then Snep jumps in and goes "I SAID I WANTED THIS YOU REALLY NEED TO LISTEN" because he thinks I'm not going to give him the moment -- when I am. I'm just giving a moment to someone else so they can do something cool *too*.
When I'm trying to juggle a million things because I really care about getting this right and then get that big "YOU'RE FUCKING UP" jibe right at the wrong time, it just...throws everything off.
Even though everyone said they really loved the game and I'm really happy about how a lot of that came off, that's the thing I'll remember about the session -- to the point that all of my preparation will go towards avoiding shit like that in the future.
But...mistakes happen and you can't avoid them all the time. And Snep doesn't mean to throw me off-balance like that, he's just reacting. It's just this perfect storm that feels laser-guided to my anxiety. It's hard to tease out what I'm just being way too sensitive about vs. what I can ask for with changes in behavior. My inclination is to blame my lack of prep and vow to get better about that.
BUT I need actual time to prepare and work on the game, which is another big point of anxiety. If I have to devote all of my work time to actual work then when am I going to do anything else? It feels like my time isn't really mine; if I'm not working there's some social thing or gym or cooking. So I'm going to have to start setting boundaries about that.
None of this is comfortable, but that's kind of the point. Writing all of this down helps me solidify these nebulous little thoughts so I can actually...act on them.
With the game, for instance, it helps knowing that in situations where I'm feeling overwhelmed it's a good idea to take a pause, gather my thoughts, and make a mindful decision instead of defaulting to fawning behavior. Even if I get caught in a mistake, it's easier to acknowledge and correct it when I'm not just reacting from this big emotional place.
And it helps me narrow down exactly how Sneppers can help keep me from spinning out in those situations.
This week, the social pressure is eased somewhat at least. I'm going to work on a schedule as closely as I can, and set a few small goals (like finally finishing up the 'installation' of my computer desk).
