Day 14 of 107: The Oak in the Acorn

It's hard to believe it's already been two weeks since I've been laid off, but here we are. Many of my colleagues have already been pounding the pavement, applying to anything that remotely fits their resume. I've taken a more deliberate approach, and while that lost me an opportunity with Instacart I'm hopeful that taking the time to do the research and come correct will pay off in the end.

I have a list of potential positions to apply for on LinkedIn, and I'll definitely be using the network to see if I can bypass the screening filter. Even still, I want to put in some effort toward working WITH the screening filter too. If this is the way job searches are headed in the future, it makes sense to learn those skills now. My network is solid, but I also have to crack the code of putting together a decent resume. To be honest I should be updating it every six months or so to keep up with current trends and language.

I won't deny I'm pretty nervous. It feels like I have a lot going against me -- my age, my skill-set, my experience all don't really point to a senior position. But most of the open positions in my salary range are for things like that, so by default I'll be throwing my hat into that ring. This means there might be less tolerance for coming on-board not "fully baked"; there are so many candidates right now who already have the skills and experience they're looking for, so it feels less likely that a company would take a chance on me without a good reason. And it feels like that reason has to be in my resume if I can't have someone from my network put in a good word.

I could be cutting myself short, but I don't think so. I worry that my work ethic isn't high enough to keep up with younger, hungrier, more talented candidates. My mental illnesses make progress on that slow, so I have to perform at a reasonably high level *somewhere* to be an attractive proposition. I think I've done a decent enough job at Udacity -- I certainly learned a lot and am eager to apply those lessons elsewhere. But it's daunting, looking at so many positions that have dozens of applications already. What do I have, specifically, that makes me the best person for any job?

That's what I'm supposed to be answering through my resume, cover letter, and interview. I've never thought of myself as a persuasive person, so writing convincing content with confidence is a new thing for me. What can I bring to a new work environment?

A positive attitude. A willingness to help. A keen interest in learning and improvement. And a hunger to leave things better than I found them. In many ways, it still feels like I'm waking up from this...trauma slumber. I feel myself reconnecting to the outside world and other people again, and it reminds me all over again just how much I've pulled back. I feel rusty, especially when it comes to speaking with people in real-life. Still, it's coming back to me and I imagine my ability will steadily improve the more I practice.

I spoke with M. yesterday, a fox and dear writer friend of mine. It was a good conversation over a long lunch. He caught me up on his trip out to Colorado, his polycule's first trip to Vegas in five years, how he's handling his grief over the death of his dog. I offered to do it again next week; I know he used to have weekly lunches with a mutual friend for a while, but it's not clear if that's stopped for some reason or another. Honestly, I should be using my time to meet up with a lot of people but it's way more comforting for me to just stay at home and do things in the quiet.

Took my first tentative steps toward reviving the Patreon yesterday. I'm working on an actual outline for Swiftie's Intergalactic so I have some idea what I'm doing. Mostly I wanted to make the theme and conflict explicit so I can figure out how to write about those. I knew that I wanted to write about a problem I'm personally having, but it was a bit embarrassing to think about how that would play out. People who know me will probably peg that Deimos (my protagonist's working name) is a thinly-veiled stand-in for me, and it's unnerving to be this exposed through my writing. I'm hoping that working with an outline will let me lay these thoughts down on paper and work through them with the power of narrative. :)

Deimos is someone who has crossed the final self-imposed barrier to being a true part of the galactic community, but his fear of others and need for safety means he hasn't made the connections he would like to. The story is about unloosening the grip he holds over his emotions and desires, allowing himself to admit he has preferences. I don't quite know why I find it so hard to ask for the things I need. Maybe it's the weight of past rejection and misunderstanding that has set the expectation for my needs to be unfulfilled. Maybe over time I've learned not to ask for things because I know I won't get them. And from there, it's easy to instinctively dismiss even entertaining a desire because it feels selfish. Now, I just...don't even know what I want most of the time.

So writing about someone learning to ask for what they want is hard. But maybe it isn't, too. Maybe this is just the story I'm telling myself to keep me locked into behaviors that no longer serve me. I'm still not comfortable being open, so there'll definitely be a learning curve here, but like most things, maybe I'm making this way too hard for myself.

News about the applications and burrow cleaning tomorrow. Oh yeah, and I'd better get started on prepping tomorrow's D&D game. >.>