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Day 13 of 107: Delayed Reaction
May. 3rd, 2023 08:59 amI think it finally hit me yesterday that I'm unemployed. It's a hard thing to describe, how different parts of you have already made the realization that something momentous has happened but it can still take some time for those mini-acknowledgements to come together. I've been dealing with the sudden end of my job for the past two weeks, but it wasn't until yesterday that it fully hit me. I was hanging out in the afternoon, and the thought hit me out of the blue that most people were working, but I wasn't.
It's possible that wrangling with the COBRA payment did it, or getting more feedback on my resume. But something's slipped. Now I know I'm out of work and need a new job.
Today I'll be updating my resume, making a kick-ass job search tracker, and submitting my first applications. So far the feedback I've got for my resume tells me I still have some work to do putting my best foot forward, but I also have a system or two to do that. My ex-manager recommended the XYZ format: what you've accomplished (X) along with the qualitative results (Y) and the skills or experience utilized to achieve the outcome (Z). I love this because it emphasizes the necessary information you want in each bullet point -- what you bring to the potential role right up front with contextual proof and the relevant skill that enabled you to achieve that. The best part? You can swap out (Z) to highlight various skills that specific positions are asking for.
So what I'll need to do is set my mind to three or four specific positions and build resumes speaking directly to that. Once I've got those down, it'll be a lot easier (and faster) to apply to different positions. However, it's important that "perfect" isn't the enemy of "done". I think batching applications is the way to go; spend some time preparing the resume for a specific position, then apply to openings for that all at once. Maybe I could even batch them for one day at a time: Monday is Community Management Day; Tuesday is Support Day; Wednesday is Operations Day; Thursday is Callback Day; Friday is Job Training Day.
If I handle it that way, I'll have a day of deep work toward a focused end. I know that the schedule won't be so clean in practice, but it's a good start.
I tried to work this week without Adderall, and it's noticeably slower. I have about two weeks of pills left right now, but my health insurance has run out by now. R. says he wouldn't mind adding me to his insurance but I'm not sure how painful a process that will be. If it's not too much trouble, it's sure to be less expensive than my COBRA premium (around $650/month). The premium for three months is included in my severance payment already, but I'd rather keep that around just in case I need it for an extra month.
The severance payment is probably going to hit on Friday, May 12th so I should be able to budget out the rest of the summer by then. For now it's most important to tighten up the spending and shift my lifestyle to building contentment without retail therapy.
This time feels like an excellent chance to...shed the things I've built to distance myself from the world and my own direct experience. I use marijuana to numb me, even though I don't consciously have anything I'd care to protect myself against. But when I try to describe my emotional landscape I find myself struggling to describe it. Am I frustrated? Content? Nervous? So much of the time, I don't know.
My curiosity about that wars with my apprehension about what I'll find when I open myself up. I've realized how much distance I keep from other people, even the ones closest to me, and I want to reverse that trend. I'd like to be more open but how much patience will people have as I fumble my way through explaining emotions I don't have the tools to describe properly? And how can I trust in the shared objective experience to serve as a vector for that communication? Are my reactions only a little weird or incomprehensible?
I know that folks with ADHD have a tendency to overexplain themselves after a long time of feeling misunderstood. And, in the moment, if I feel rejected through someone's confusion my instinct is to justify my thought process. The trouble is I have no idea if that lengthy explanation is even necessary. I think that lack of confidence is one of the main reasons my writing has been so difficult. Maybe there's this unspoken fundamental view that my brain is incomprehensible and shameful; it's not even worth trying to sort things out to communicate, because people will just find it weird and gross.
I'll have to sit with this, and write more about it tomorrow.
It's possible that wrangling with the COBRA payment did it, or getting more feedback on my resume. But something's slipped. Now I know I'm out of work and need a new job.
Today I'll be updating my resume, making a kick-ass job search tracker, and submitting my first applications. So far the feedback I've got for my resume tells me I still have some work to do putting my best foot forward, but I also have a system or two to do that. My ex-manager recommended the XYZ format: what you've accomplished (X) along with the qualitative results (Y) and the skills or experience utilized to achieve the outcome (Z). I love this because it emphasizes the necessary information you want in each bullet point -- what you bring to the potential role right up front with contextual proof and the relevant skill that enabled you to achieve that. The best part? You can swap out (Z) to highlight various skills that specific positions are asking for.
So what I'll need to do is set my mind to three or four specific positions and build resumes speaking directly to that. Once I've got those down, it'll be a lot easier (and faster) to apply to different positions. However, it's important that "perfect" isn't the enemy of "done". I think batching applications is the way to go; spend some time preparing the resume for a specific position, then apply to openings for that all at once. Maybe I could even batch them for one day at a time: Monday is Community Management Day; Tuesday is Support Day; Wednesday is Operations Day; Thursday is Callback Day; Friday is Job Training Day.
If I handle it that way, I'll have a day of deep work toward a focused end. I know that the schedule won't be so clean in practice, but it's a good start.
I tried to work this week without Adderall, and it's noticeably slower. I have about two weeks of pills left right now, but my health insurance has run out by now. R. says he wouldn't mind adding me to his insurance but I'm not sure how painful a process that will be. If it's not too much trouble, it's sure to be less expensive than my COBRA premium (around $650/month). The premium for three months is included in my severance payment already, but I'd rather keep that around just in case I need it for an extra month.
The severance payment is probably going to hit on Friday, May 12th so I should be able to budget out the rest of the summer by then. For now it's most important to tighten up the spending and shift my lifestyle to building contentment without retail therapy.
This time feels like an excellent chance to...shed the things I've built to distance myself from the world and my own direct experience. I use marijuana to numb me, even though I don't consciously have anything I'd care to protect myself against. But when I try to describe my emotional landscape I find myself struggling to describe it. Am I frustrated? Content? Nervous? So much of the time, I don't know.
My curiosity about that wars with my apprehension about what I'll find when I open myself up. I've realized how much distance I keep from other people, even the ones closest to me, and I want to reverse that trend. I'd like to be more open but how much patience will people have as I fumble my way through explaining emotions I don't have the tools to describe properly? And how can I trust in the shared objective experience to serve as a vector for that communication? Are my reactions only a little weird or incomprehensible?
I know that folks with ADHD have a tendency to overexplain themselves after a long time of feeling misunderstood. And, in the moment, if I feel rejected through someone's confusion my instinct is to justify my thought process. The trouble is I have no idea if that lengthy explanation is even necessary. I think that lack of confidence is one of the main reasons my writing has been so difficult. Maybe there's this unspoken fundamental view that my brain is incomprehensible and shameful; it's not even worth trying to sort things out to communicate, because people will just find it weird and gross.
I'll have to sit with this, and write more about it tomorrow.
