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Coronavirus SIP, Day 30
Apr. 11th, 2020 08:59 am
It's been a full month since I've been sheltering in place, and I think I'm finally getting comfortable with it? If you're counting, the official local shelter in place order for my county came down on March 16th -- but my day job implemented a work-from-home policy on March 13th. Out of an abundance of caution, I worked from home that Thursday (3/12), so I've been doing this since then. That's when the calendar starts, and it might be a bit earlier than a lot of you.
One of the things I've learned through this is how important it is to be disciplined about the things that matter to you. I went into this thinking that I would use the time for productivity and self-reflection, to get started finally on all of the projects I had been letting languish. It turns out that even with significant changes to your daily routine you'll tend to fall back on familiar habits wherever possible. I hadn't built the habit of writing or reading. I wasn't used to the idea of filling idle time with productive tasks. I haven't been very organized about carving out time for my projects and sticking to that plan. So I've spent this last month sputtering to get started on just about anything.
I realize that this is a unique situation, and I'm not entirely sure just how traumatizing it's been. Everyone is fearful and uncertain, but we're trying our best to move through it. In order to give others space to deal with what they've been struggling through, I need to learn how to give myself the space to do that. And I have. The self-talk has been a lot more gentle than usual, and while I'm certainly frustrated by my lack of progress in a lot of different areas of my life, I'd like to think I understand that I can't really force this. Like everyone else, I'll need to take this one day at a time.
It feels like I'm coming out of a low point with mood, but I'm not sure how much I can trust that. How I feel now is not how I'm going to feel a week from now, and it's important to remember that I won't have the same amount of spoons every day. If I'm feeling flush now, I can't build my Wednesday plans expecting to be quite so energetic. That's the difficulty. I tend to plan for the future when I'm feeling all right, but how much time have I actually spent in that state this month? Very little.
Still, I'd like to get into the habit of doing whatever I can, whenever I can. And I could be doing a better job of pushing myself a little harder every day. I actually managed to pull a rainbow this week, even after a very scary situation with our dear rabbit Puckles. He's getting up there in age, and I think he has some infection or drainage issue that causes him to go into sneezing fits. There are days when he doesn't eat as much as usual, and we caught him huddled up and shaking earlier this week. I had to take him to the vet.
I realize, logically, that the end for Puckles is near. But that was the first time it really hit me that I would be losing him soon. I wasn't ready, and that kind of "surprise" can really just tank me. I came home emotionally exhausted and ready to do nothing else for the rest of the day. But R pushed me to exercise, to shower, to read and write anyway. And once I got past the inertia, I enjoyed all of it. I went to bed tired, but surprised and pleased that I had managed to do so much through such a crappy mood.
That experience showed me that I can do a lot more than I think I can when I'm down, and it's possible that once I build the habits it becomes easier, requires fewer spoons. I shouldn't expect to pull a rainbow every day, at least not now, but I could definitely be filling in my squares a lot more often than I have been.
This weekend I stated my intention to R that I would be pulling a rainbow for Saturday and Sunday. Once I did so, I could smoke or drink as a reward. I rather like this arrangement because it provides the carrot and the stick in one. None of the stuff I want to do needs to be stressful. If I go into it with a sense of fun, or discovery, it can even be really enjoyable and restorative. And afterward? I get to imbibe knowing that I've been productive, improved myself, done the things that I've set out to do.
A lot of these activities are somewhat self-oriented. But I'd also like to be a bit more social with people, chat them up first, make sure that I'm doing my part to make sure folks are OK. When I get overwhelmed and depressed, I think social interactions are the first things to suffer -- and they've been suffering for a long time. It feels like I haven't been really engaging with people or developing strong bonds with them, and that's something I'd like to do at long last.
I know that part won't be easy. There are a LOT of folks I'd like to be in contact with from day to day, and even sheltered in place my social batteries tend to run out pretty quickly. But I'm hoping that the solitary time I get from writing, reading, and exercising will help to recharge those faster. The fact is every habit I'm trying to build is enriching to me, and I've been so laser-focused on the short-term struggle of it that I've completely lost sight of the long-term benefits. There's certain a balance to be had here, but for now? It's time I think about working harder to become the person I want to be.
I have a feeling that things will get worse in a lot of ways, and I want to be the kind of person who can not only hold myself down through it but help others. It's *easier* to do this when you're in a community of support. But the secret is you've got to put in as much as you can. You have to show up for others, in a genuine way, if you expect others to be there for you.
One of the things I've learned through this is how important it is to be disciplined about the things that matter to you. I went into this thinking that I would use the time for productivity and self-reflection, to get started finally on all of the projects I had been letting languish. It turns out that even with significant changes to your daily routine you'll tend to fall back on familiar habits wherever possible. I hadn't built the habit of writing or reading. I wasn't used to the idea of filling idle time with productive tasks. I haven't been very organized about carving out time for my projects and sticking to that plan. So I've spent this last month sputtering to get started on just about anything.
I realize that this is a unique situation, and I'm not entirely sure just how traumatizing it's been. Everyone is fearful and uncertain, but we're trying our best to move through it. In order to give others space to deal with what they've been struggling through, I need to learn how to give myself the space to do that. And I have. The self-talk has been a lot more gentle than usual, and while I'm certainly frustrated by my lack of progress in a lot of different areas of my life, I'd like to think I understand that I can't really force this. Like everyone else, I'll need to take this one day at a time.
It feels like I'm coming out of a low point with mood, but I'm not sure how much I can trust that. How I feel now is not how I'm going to feel a week from now, and it's important to remember that I won't have the same amount of spoons every day. If I'm feeling flush now, I can't build my Wednesday plans expecting to be quite so energetic. That's the difficulty. I tend to plan for the future when I'm feeling all right, but how much time have I actually spent in that state this month? Very little.
Still, I'd like to get into the habit of doing whatever I can, whenever I can. And I could be doing a better job of pushing myself a little harder every day. I actually managed to pull a rainbow this week, even after a very scary situation with our dear rabbit Puckles. He's getting up there in age, and I think he has some infection or drainage issue that causes him to go into sneezing fits. There are days when he doesn't eat as much as usual, and we caught him huddled up and shaking earlier this week. I had to take him to the vet.
I realize, logically, that the end for Puckles is near. But that was the first time it really hit me that I would be losing him soon. I wasn't ready, and that kind of "surprise" can really just tank me. I came home emotionally exhausted and ready to do nothing else for the rest of the day. But R pushed me to exercise, to shower, to read and write anyway. And once I got past the inertia, I enjoyed all of it. I went to bed tired, but surprised and pleased that I had managed to do so much through such a crappy mood.
That experience showed me that I can do a lot more than I think I can when I'm down, and it's possible that once I build the habits it becomes easier, requires fewer spoons. I shouldn't expect to pull a rainbow every day, at least not now, but I could definitely be filling in my squares a lot more often than I have been.
This weekend I stated my intention to R that I would be pulling a rainbow for Saturday and Sunday. Once I did so, I could smoke or drink as a reward. I rather like this arrangement because it provides the carrot and the stick in one. None of the stuff I want to do needs to be stressful. If I go into it with a sense of fun, or discovery, it can even be really enjoyable and restorative. And afterward? I get to imbibe knowing that I've been productive, improved myself, done the things that I've set out to do.
A lot of these activities are somewhat self-oriented. But I'd also like to be a bit more social with people, chat them up first, make sure that I'm doing my part to make sure folks are OK. When I get overwhelmed and depressed, I think social interactions are the first things to suffer -- and they've been suffering for a long time. It feels like I haven't been really engaging with people or developing strong bonds with them, and that's something I'd like to do at long last.
I know that part won't be easy. There are a LOT of folks I'd like to be in contact with from day to day, and even sheltered in place my social batteries tend to run out pretty quickly. But I'm hoping that the solitary time I get from writing, reading, and exercising will help to recharge those faster. The fact is every habit I'm trying to build is enriching to me, and I've been so laser-focused on the short-term struggle of it that I've completely lost sight of the long-term benefits. There's certain a balance to be had here, but for now? It's time I think about working harder to become the person I want to be.
I have a feeling that things will get worse in a lot of ways, and I want to be the kind of person who can not only hold myself down through it but help others. It's *easier* to do this when you're in a community of support. But the secret is you've got to put in as much as you can. You have to show up for others, in a genuine way, if you expect others to be there for you.
