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Coronavirus SIP, Day 27
Apr. 8th, 2020 10:01 am
I have not been able to bring myself to write a whole lot ever since this began. I'm not sure why -- I think it's just an inability to concentrate after work, which continues to be fairly intense. But honestly, I think it's more that a sense of inertia has settled in. I always have difficulty with consistency, unless it's consistently not doing something. :)
That being said, I am building something of a routine here. Meditation is going well in the morning, and I've been consistently exercising, reading, and studying -- at least the last few days. But when I sit down to write, something just...stops me. I think today, when I sit down to write, it would do to sit with that feeling and really investigate where the block is coming from. I have a feeling there's some deep-seated belief that I shouldn't be writing porn right now, or what pulls me into the scene I'm writing isn't something I want others knowing about myself.
It's a surprising thought, that one of the reasons it's a struggle to write is that I'm worried about what it might reveal about me. I'm rather private when it comes down to it, even though I share a lot about my mental illness and the things I'm not proud of. But sexuality is something different. I've been really shy about discussing that openly for as long as I've been aware of my sexuality. When I've tried to be a bit more open about it, it generally doesn't go well. Maybe I just don't know HOW to talk about it; I don't want to come across as demanding or judgmental. I'm aware of how much damage I have around this subject, and as much as I would like to deal with that I just...don't know how to do that.
With "Crushing The Competition", I've intentionally put my ambivalent feelings about macrophilia into the main character, who is simultaneously turned on by giants but feels ashamed about it. He lives in a world where everyone wants to be the biggest, but he prefers being loomed over. It makes him feel like something's wrong with him, and he has difficulty reconciling that with his self-concept in a healthy way. I'm the same way.
As much as I like giants, there are so many expressions of that size difference that just don't appeal to me. I think a lot of folks who play giants online have this...underlying insecurity that they're trying to cover up through being incredibly powerful. It feels like...running away from who they are more than anything, trying to cover their 'real selves'. There's nothing wrong with needing that kind of escape, but I think too often that escape depends on diminishing others to some degree. I don't want to be made to feel 'less than' by someone who needs to believe that to feel better about themselves. I want to be made to feel 'less than' by the simple facts of the situation. Being smaller, or weaker, or less capable than a giant due to the power differential is what I'm after, and I think too many giants focus on that kind of interpersonal diminishment.
And I think that's it. I want to keep the power differential as a mostly physical thing, with any psychological bleed-through coming from how the characters actually feel about that power differential. Like, it's OK for a giant you know to make fun of how little you are, but some random giant coming along and calling a city full of people ants or whatever? That's a hard pass.
I'm not sure there are too many people approaching macrophilia from that angle right now, and that's a niche I'd definitely like to fill. "Crushing The Competition" could be an excellent way to do that, and I feel like I've done a better job so far illustrating how careless the giants of AccuraTech are about the smaller people around them. Contrasting that with a more...holistic approach to size difference at Titan Northern is the next order of business, after I finish setting up the premise and send the main character on his way.
I'm also trying to move my tabletop role-playing games online; my husband gave me a "push" with a VERY sporadic Pathfinder game and I'd like to transfer it to Fantasy Grounds, which feels like a much more robust, complicated system. The problem is I home-brew a LOT, so finding a way to introduce that into the system is the hump I have to get over.
For now, focusing on clearing as many tickets as possible and establishing a good, productive routine is the thing to do this week. Go to it, let's do it!
That being said, I am building something of a routine here. Meditation is going well in the morning, and I've been consistently exercising, reading, and studying -- at least the last few days. But when I sit down to write, something just...stops me. I think today, when I sit down to write, it would do to sit with that feeling and really investigate where the block is coming from. I have a feeling there's some deep-seated belief that I shouldn't be writing porn right now, or what pulls me into the scene I'm writing isn't something I want others knowing about myself.
It's a surprising thought, that one of the reasons it's a struggle to write is that I'm worried about what it might reveal about me. I'm rather private when it comes down to it, even though I share a lot about my mental illness and the things I'm not proud of. But sexuality is something different. I've been really shy about discussing that openly for as long as I've been aware of my sexuality. When I've tried to be a bit more open about it, it generally doesn't go well. Maybe I just don't know HOW to talk about it; I don't want to come across as demanding or judgmental. I'm aware of how much damage I have around this subject, and as much as I would like to deal with that I just...don't know how to do that.
With "Crushing The Competition", I've intentionally put my ambivalent feelings about macrophilia into the main character, who is simultaneously turned on by giants but feels ashamed about it. He lives in a world where everyone wants to be the biggest, but he prefers being loomed over. It makes him feel like something's wrong with him, and he has difficulty reconciling that with his self-concept in a healthy way. I'm the same way.
As much as I like giants, there are so many expressions of that size difference that just don't appeal to me. I think a lot of folks who play giants online have this...underlying insecurity that they're trying to cover up through being incredibly powerful. It feels like...running away from who they are more than anything, trying to cover their 'real selves'. There's nothing wrong with needing that kind of escape, but I think too often that escape depends on diminishing others to some degree. I don't want to be made to feel 'less than' by someone who needs to believe that to feel better about themselves. I want to be made to feel 'less than' by the simple facts of the situation. Being smaller, or weaker, or less capable than a giant due to the power differential is what I'm after, and I think too many giants focus on that kind of interpersonal diminishment.
And I think that's it. I want to keep the power differential as a mostly physical thing, with any psychological bleed-through coming from how the characters actually feel about that power differential. Like, it's OK for a giant you know to make fun of how little you are, but some random giant coming along and calling a city full of people ants or whatever? That's a hard pass.
I'm not sure there are too many people approaching macrophilia from that angle right now, and that's a niche I'd definitely like to fill. "Crushing The Competition" could be an excellent way to do that, and I feel like I've done a better job so far illustrating how careless the giants of AccuraTech are about the smaller people around them. Contrasting that with a more...holistic approach to size difference at Titan Northern is the next order of business, after I finish setting up the premise and send the main character on his way.
I'm also trying to move my tabletop role-playing games online; my husband gave me a "push" with a VERY sporadic Pathfinder game and I'd like to transfer it to Fantasy Grounds, which feels like a much more robust, complicated system. The problem is I home-brew a LOT, so finding a way to introduce that into the system is the hump I have to get over.
For now, focusing on clearing as many tickets as possible and establishing a good, productive routine is the thing to do this week. Go to it, let's do it!
