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I'm Sick But I'm Pretty
Jan. 2nd, 2020 10:31 am
Happy New Year! R and I were visited by the Sick Fairy, so the past couple days have been forcibly low-key. We had a few folks over for a New Year's party when R had to leave pretty early once he discovered he had a fever. A couple of others were also low-grade sick, but we stuck it out and rung in the New Year with an exhausted good cheer. R's fever has been off and on since then, and I've been struck down with a pretty bad cough and fatigue. Didn't do much of anything yesterday, but I'm feeling well enough to give writing a try. Maybe some low-stakes straightening, too.
For Christmas, we visited R's family in Arkansas. To be honest, it was a great time! I really love the in-laws; they're a big family with different, distinctive personalities, but there's an underlying, powerful love there that manages to keep them together despite the tension of various beliefs. You can actually have conversations about those differences without devolving into a shouting match. Most of the time, anyway. :) I had several great conversations with R's dad and brothers, and even got to hang out with the oldest sister. The younger one, my favorite, was a little hard to hang out with but I still got to enjoy her company too. With so many folks building families and having young children, it was a little exhausting -- but I'm really glad we got to spend the time.
The rest of the vacation has been low-key. I've moved into my new Bullet Journal, which is a monster; I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with the pen I'm using but I can always figure out how to deal with that. The paper's also a little thin, so markers bleed through, but I'm learning to be OK with that. I'm trying to use them lightly to minimize that, and it's good practice to be mindful of how I'm writing I suppose. I'm trying to be a bit more realistic about the projects I can handle at any given time, but also putting more focus on pushing myself. There's a balance to strike, and this year I'd really like to focus on doing more with my time while simultaneously not overbooking myself. Rest and free time are important, too, and I really need to get a better sense of how I'm prioritizing that.
I'd also very much like to be better about communicating with other people. I tend to drop conversations way too often with folks online, and I can often get caught up in the moment and offer more support than I'm actually able to give. I don't want to do that; more than anything, I want to be a consistent, positive influence in the lives of other people. Being flaky is pretty much anathema to that. It's not fair to the people I love to be so inconsistent.
That being said, I'm also working to be kinder to myself. Of course it's a good thing to be as consistent as possible, but I have distinct barriers to becoming that person and it would do me good to recognize them. ADHD makes things really difficult in a number of ways -- I have trouble with emotional regulation, which makes it easier for me to commit to things because my emotions have taken over my motive; I have a terrible short-term memory, so it can be near-impossible to remember the things I commit to unless I write them down immediately; and once anxiety and shame come into the equation, that's a wrap. I don't do what I set out to do and everyone feels a little bit worse. My relationships are that much more strained.
So for the first 100 days of 2020, my focus will be building a routine, being impeccable with my word, and actually keeping track of my commitments -- writing them down, building them into my weekly/daily goals, communicating when I feel like I can't actually keep them, as soon as possible. By drilling down into this aspect of how I work, specifically, I'm hoping I can identify the things that make it hard for me to keep consistent and take steps to deal with them. Hopefully, as the year goes on, people will feel like they're able to rely on me for things. Or, at the very least, I'm more open about my shortcomings and others will be understanding while also holding me accountable.
So far, the things I'd like to do daily are these: meditate, write for at least 30 minutes, read for at least 30 minutes, work with my food log/weight loss app, and hit my step/stand goal. I think those five things will set a pretty good foundation for other habits and shift my focus towards the 'right' things, the ones that are most important to me.
What I've learned from 2019 is that more than ever, equanimity is a skill that we would do well to develop. There are so many things in life that threaten to throw us off our game when it's so important to respond, NOT REACT, to the challenges we face. When someone makes us angry, holds a belief we don't agree with, or does something that we can't abide, we have to take a step back from our immediate emotion and figure out the best thing to do. We shouldn't discount the emotions we have: they're signs that something important has happened and we need to take action. Anger tells us our sense of justice or order has been offended. Fear tells us that our sense of safety is under attack. Emotions are good indicators of where our priorities and values lie. But we also need time for those indicators to stop firing to make better decisions about our actions. Taking the time to observe, to consider, helps us do that immensely.
So that's the attitude I'm taking into the new year. Be slow but efficient. Be considerate. Go into each situation mindful of your intention, your emotions, your actions. I'm hoping that makes it easier for me to engage with the outside world more consistently, in a way that benefits everyone.
How about you fine folks? Are there any New Year's Resolutions you're hoping to keep through 2020?
For Christmas, we visited R's family in Arkansas. To be honest, it was a great time! I really love the in-laws; they're a big family with different, distinctive personalities, but there's an underlying, powerful love there that manages to keep them together despite the tension of various beliefs. You can actually have conversations about those differences without devolving into a shouting match. Most of the time, anyway. :) I had several great conversations with R's dad and brothers, and even got to hang out with the oldest sister. The younger one, my favorite, was a little hard to hang out with but I still got to enjoy her company too. With so many folks building families and having young children, it was a little exhausting -- but I'm really glad we got to spend the time.
The rest of the vacation has been low-key. I've moved into my new Bullet Journal, which is a monster; I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with the pen I'm using but I can always figure out how to deal with that. The paper's also a little thin, so markers bleed through, but I'm learning to be OK with that. I'm trying to use them lightly to minimize that, and it's good practice to be mindful of how I'm writing I suppose. I'm trying to be a bit more realistic about the projects I can handle at any given time, but also putting more focus on pushing myself. There's a balance to strike, and this year I'd really like to focus on doing more with my time while simultaneously not overbooking myself. Rest and free time are important, too, and I really need to get a better sense of how I'm prioritizing that.
I'd also very much like to be better about communicating with other people. I tend to drop conversations way too often with folks online, and I can often get caught up in the moment and offer more support than I'm actually able to give. I don't want to do that; more than anything, I want to be a consistent, positive influence in the lives of other people. Being flaky is pretty much anathema to that. It's not fair to the people I love to be so inconsistent.
That being said, I'm also working to be kinder to myself. Of course it's a good thing to be as consistent as possible, but I have distinct barriers to becoming that person and it would do me good to recognize them. ADHD makes things really difficult in a number of ways -- I have trouble with emotional regulation, which makes it easier for me to commit to things because my emotions have taken over my motive; I have a terrible short-term memory, so it can be near-impossible to remember the things I commit to unless I write them down immediately; and once anxiety and shame come into the equation, that's a wrap. I don't do what I set out to do and everyone feels a little bit worse. My relationships are that much more strained.
So for the first 100 days of 2020, my focus will be building a routine, being impeccable with my word, and actually keeping track of my commitments -- writing them down, building them into my weekly/daily goals, communicating when I feel like I can't actually keep them, as soon as possible. By drilling down into this aspect of how I work, specifically, I'm hoping I can identify the things that make it hard for me to keep consistent and take steps to deal with them. Hopefully, as the year goes on, people will feel like they're able to rely on me for things. Or, at the very least, I'm more open about my shortcomings and others will be understanding while also holding me accountable.
So far, the things I'd like to do daily are these: meditate, write for at least 30 minutes, read for at least 30 minutes, work with my food log/weight loss app, and hit my step/stand goal. I think those five things will set a pretty good foundation for other habits and shift my focus towards the 'right' things, the ones that are most important to me.
What I've learned from 2019 is that more than ever, equanimity is a skill that we would do well to develop. There are so many things in life that threaten to throw us off our game when it's so important to respond, NOT REACT, to the challenges we face. When someone makes us angry, holds a belief we don't agree with, or does something that we can't abide, we have to take a step back from our immediate emotion and figure out the best thing to do. We shouldn't discount the emotions we have: they're signs that something important has happened and we need to take action. Anger tells us our sense of justice or order has been offended. Fear tells us that our sense of safety is under attack. Emotions are good indicators of where our priorities and values lie. But we also need time for those indicators to stop firing to make better decisions about our actions. Taking the time to observe, to consider, helps us do that immensely.
So that's the attitude I'm taking into the new year. Be slow but efficient. Be considerate. Go into each situation mindful of your intention, your emotions, your actions. I'm hoping that makes it easier for me to engage with the outside world more consistently, in a way that benefits everyone.
How about you fine folks? Are there any New Year's Resolutions you're hoping to keep through 2020?
