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Porcupine Zen
Jul. 29th, 2019 10:55 amI've been in a bit of a grumpy mood for the past week or so, and I'm fairly sure it's just the grieving process for losing my job -- also, the stress of looking for another one. It feels like I'm getting a crash course in how to handle a lot of rejection all at once, even though I'm at my most vulnerable right now.
Even though I've got a good handle on my finances at the moment and I can be a bit patient when it comes to finding another position, there's still the background stress of having to look for work, watch my budget, and be very very careful when it comes to anything that might prevent me from finding a job. That means not smoking marijuana, even though that's my stress/anxiety relief of choice.
To be honest, it's probably not the worst thing in the world to take a break from smoking. Being unemployed AND high is not a good look for anyone, and with my addictive personality I could see me sliding into the routine of just...passing the days in a stress-avoidant haze. I hate to think I could do something like that to Ryan, but I know myself well enough to know it's possible. We've talked about backing off on pot until I've found a job, and now that the Coursera position has fallen through it's also suddenly true that I might be off it far longer than I imagined I would be. This makes me grumpy.
Still, I'm trying to make better stress management techniques take root. I've gotten a lot more diligent with my meditation practice, and I'm working on building an exercise routine that encourages discipline, flexibility, and poise. Right now, I'd like to go running two (or three) times a week, do some kind of stretching practice (like yoga or tai-chi) twice a week, and bodyweight exercises to strengthen my core sprinkled throughout. One day would be given over for my body to just rest up a bit.
I also note that I feel better if I'm doing something that gets me closer to a goal. So, reading more often can help me become a better writer, which might help me develop faster and get gigs here and there. I know I'm a long way from being able to support myself entirely with writing alone, and I'm not quite organized or focus enough to make a go at being a freelancer, but...at the very least I can start thinking of myself as a professional in some capacity and work accordingly.
But wrapped up in ALL of that is the constant noise of self-rejection and doubt. I'm not a good writer. We live in a world where it's really hard for anyone to be noticed. There are already people doing what I'd like to do who are younger, more talented, AND more disciplined. What hope do I have?
The uncertainty, the constant need to keep moving forward, the attempts of my brain to sabotage itself -- they're all exhausting. And while being unemployed could be a LOT worse for me, it's still a rough time emotionally. My friends are being helpful and supportive, but when you have so much time to reflect, it's hard not to chastise yourself for the choices that put you here. Putting off the things that would have made me a more attractive prospect is a mistake that I'll keep wincing about for a long time.
Ultimately, though, the only thing to do is to keep making choices in the moment that align with my goals in the long term. That means putting off instant gratification and learning to stick it out through tough periods, learning how to be more organized and efficient with my time, learning how to appreciate what I have instead of constantly wanting more. It's been a while since I've lived in the awareness that money is a finite resource. I haven't had to worry about actively pushing for a steady income. But I have before; it's a skill that I can develop again.
In the meantime, I might be grumpy and prickly for a while -- less able to deal with the slings and arrows of regular life. Accepting that -- and finding a way to make friends with that -- is all part of the work of change. Adapting to my circumstances isn't easy, but it's certain to make me a person better equipped to deal with uncertainty.
Even though I've got a good handle on my finances at the moment and I can be a bit patient when it comes to finding another position, there's still the background stress of having to look for work, watch my budget, and be very very careful when it comes to anything that might prevent me from finding a job. That means not smoking marijuana, even though that's my stress/anxiety relief of choice.
To be honest, it's probably not the worst thing in the world to take a break from smoking. Being unemployed AND high is not a good look for anyone, and with my addictive personality I could see me sliding into the routine of just...passing the days in a stress-avoidant haze. I hate to think I could do something like that to Ryan, but I know myself well enough to know it's possible. We've talked about backing off on pot until I've found a job, and now that the Coursera position has fallen through it's also suddenly true that I might be off it far longer than I imagined I would be. This makes me grumpy.
Still, I'm trying to make better stress management techniques take root. I've gotten a lot more diligent with my meditation practice, and I'm working on building an exercise routine that encourages discipline, flexibility, and poise. Right now, I'd like to go running two (or three) times a week, do some kind of stretching practice (like yoga or tai-chi) twice a week, and bodyweight exercises to strengthen my core sprinkled throughout. One day would be given over for my body to just rest up a bit.
I also note that I feel better if I'm doing something that gets me closer to a goal. So, reading more often can help me become a better writer, which might help me develop faster and get gigs here and there. I know I'm a long way from being able to support myself entirely with writing alone, and I'm not quite organized or focus enough to make a go at being a freelancer, but...at the very least I can start thinking of myself as a professional in some capacity and work accordingly.
But wrapped up in ALL of that is the constant noise of self-rejection and doubt. I'm not a good writer. We live in a world where it's really hard for anyone to be noticed. There are already people doing what I'd like to do who are younger, more talented, AND more disciplined. What hope do I have?
The uncertainty, the constant need to keep moving forward, the attempts of my brain to sabotage itself -- they're all exhausting. And while being unemployed could be a LOT worse for me, it's still a rough time emotionally. My friends are being helpful and supportive, but when you have so much time to reflect, it's hard not to chastise yourself for the choices that put you here. Putting off the things that would have made me a more attractive prospect is a mistake that I'll keep wincing about for a long time.
Ultimately, though, the only thing to do is to keep making choices in the moment that align with my goals in the long term. That means putting off instant gratification and learning to stick it out through tough periods, learning how to be more organized and efficient with my time, learning how to appreciate what I have instead of constantly wanting more. It's been a while since I've lived in the awareness that money is a finite resource. I haven't had to worry about actively pushing for a steady income. But I have before; it's a skill that I can develop again.
In the meantime, I might be grumpy and prickly for a while -- less able to deal with the slings and arrows of regular life. Accepting that -- and finding a way to make friends with that -- is all part of the work of change. Adapting to my circumstances isn't easy, but it's certain to make me a person better equipped to deal with uncertainty.
