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Rejection and Anger
Jun. 27th, 2019 08:02 am
One of the big things I've learned this year is all the different ways ADHD can manifest. It means having trouble keeping details in your head for when you need them, or remembering them too late to be of use. It means having difficulty keeping your impulses in check, especially when anger is involved. It means not being able to structure your thoughts the way other people do, so everything just floats around in thought bubbles, bouncing off one another with no guarantee that connections will last.
It's been hard to know what to do with that, though. Some people like to steer into the skid and say that the bug of disorganized thinking is really a feature of natural creative talent in the ability to make connections others wouldn't. I suppose that's correct, but I haven't learned how to marshal that tendency properly. And in the line of work I'd be interested in with the day job, being able to follow a logical, consistent path is kind of necessary. In so many aspects of my life, the "bug" of ADHD remains a bug.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria is another bug that I'm having difficulty with. During an earlier depressive period back in February this year, I realized that I have a tendency towards defensive reactions whenever I encounter criticism. This happens even when I'm braced for it. Even when I *ask* for it. It's not a great look to ask players of your Pathfinder game for feedback, and then challenge each criticism they make. It made the frequent reviews at my previous job a specific kind of hell, where I couldn't trust my read of being unfairly treated because, well, maybe this is my hyper-sensitivity to criticism.
I'm not sure how "real" rejection sensitive dysphoria is, but it at least provides a framework for me to make sense of a pattern of behavior I've noticed in myself. Part of being self-aware, of having a proper sense of perspective, is having the ability to look at yourself honestly and take criticism gracefully. Knowing that my brain is wired in ways to make that very difficult is a sobering realization. It calls for me to pay very close attention to my reaction when criticism comes my way, to notice the anger and fear that rises up, overwhelming, and to sit with that discomfort instead of acting out on it.
I will not lie, it sucks. I'm still learning how to do this, and it is not easy. Just last night, a friend of mine called me in on a remark I thought was innocent and meant to be reassuring, but was received as diminishing and discouraging. I could feel myself getting frustrated and having that frustration explode out of perspective. "People always think I mean things in the worst way." "Why can't anyone ever trust my good intentions?" It was an effort to set aside the feeling of being attacked and misunderstood to address the way my friend felt in that moment. I still don't know who was being "unreasonable", but then again how on Earth could I tell? My emotional brain is an elephant I'm lucky if I can control.
I've talked to my husband and a few friends about this feeling, and how difficult it can be to control my impulses. It's difficult to express how I feel about all of this because I don't want to come across as being a slave to my emotions, or being helpless to prevent bad behavior on my part. I know it's my responsibility to work on this and make sure I'm not putting other people in a bad position. And the people I've told about this want to help. But I'm not sure what someone else can do to prevent this instinctive emotional response. It's up to me to be mindful of it, to find a way of making friends with it.
In the meantime, I'm still trying to untangle my feelings about what happened with my last job. I keep going back and forth between trying to accept my part in how things went and doing my best to learn from them, and being angry about how unfair the whole process seemed. The anger doesn't really serve me here; even if it's true that I was unfairly treated, there's not a whole lot I can do about it. It's better to look at the part of the experience I have control over and work to learn whatever lessons I can from that. But it's really not easy.
It's difficult for me to realize how often I feel angry and fearful. I really don't like being that person. But it's also true. I'm angry a lot. I'm fearful about everything I do, and the state of the world. These are difficult emotions to work with, but they're what I have. Using this time between jobs to work on that (and clean up a little) feels like the right way to go.
It's been hard to know what to do with that, though. Some people like to steer into the skid and say that the bug of disorganized thinking is really a feature of natural creative talent in the ability to make connections others wouldn't. I suppose that's correct, but I haven't learned how to marshal that tendency properly. And in the line of work I'd be interested in with the day job, being able to follow a logical, consistent path is kind of necessary. In so many aspects of my life, the "bug" of ADHD remains a bug.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria is another bug that I'm having difficulty with. During an earlier depressive period back in February this year, I realized that I have a tendency towards defensive reactions whenever I encounter criticism. This happens even when I'm braced for it. Even when I *ask* for it. It's not a great look to ask players of your Pathfinder game for feedback, and then challenge each criticism they make. It made the frequent reviews at my previous job a specific kind of hell, where I couldn't trust my read of being unfairly treated because, well, maybe this is my hyper-sensitivity to criticism.
I'm not sure how "real" rejection sensitive dysphoria is, but it at least provides a framework for me to make sense of a pattern of behavior I've noticed in myself. Part of being self-aware, of having a proper sense of perspective, is having the ability to look at yourself honestly and take criticism gracefully. Knowing that my brain is wired in ways to make that very difficult is a sobering realization. It calls for me to pay very close attention to my reaction when criticism comes my way, to notice the anger and fear that rises up, overwhelming, and to sit with that discomfort instead of acting out on it.
I will not lie, it sucks. I'm still learning how to do this, and it is not easy. Just last night, a friend of mine called me in on a remark I thought was innocent and meant to be reassuring, but was received as diminishing and discouraging. I could feel myself getting frustrated and having that frustration explode out of perspective. "People always think I mean things in the worst way." "Why can't anyone ever trust my good intentions?" It was an effort to set aside the feeling of being attacked and misunderstood to address the way my friend felt in that moment. I still don't know who was being "unreasonable", but then again how on Earth could I tell? My emotional brain is an elephant I'm lucky if I can control.
I've talked to my husband and a few friends about this feeling, and how difficult it can be to control my impulses. It's difficult to express how I feel about all of this because I don't want to come across as being a slave to my emotions, or being helpless to prevent bad behavior on my part. I know it's my responsibility to work on this and make sure I'm not putting other people in a bad position. And the people I've told about this want to help. But I'm not sure what someone else can do to prevent this instinctive emotional response. It's up to me to be mindful of it, to find a way of making friends with it.
In the meantime, I'm still trying to untangle my feelings about what happened with my last job. I keep going back and forth between trying to accept my part in how things went and doing my best to learn from them, and being angry about how unfair the whole process seemed. The anger doesn't really serve me here; even if it's true that I was unfairly treated, there's not a whole lot I can do about it. It's better to look at the part of the experience I have control over and work to learn whatever lessons I can from that. But it's really not easy.
It's difficult for me to realize how often I feel angry and fearful. I really don't like being that person. But it's also true. I'm angry a lot. I'm fearful about everything I do, and the state of the world. These are difficult emotions to work with, but they're what I have. Using this time between jobs to work on that (and clean up a little) feels like the right way to go.
