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I Find Your Lack of Discipline Disturbing
May. 2nd, 2018 07:43 amI've had a mild bout of insomnia for the past two nights or so, and I'm not sure what's up with that. Night before last I woke up at 12:45 AM, wide awake, and it took me an hour to get back to sleep -- then I woke up again at 4:30 AM. Last night was more tossing and turning for no apparent reason. I definitely feel the lack of rest, it's harder to concentrate on things and I'm a bit more irritable and achy than usual. Trying to figure out why is...hard, though.
Full disclosure: I've become a consistent user of marijuana. It's not something I'm proud of or happy about, but there it is. It's a form of self-medication for me. After a long day of work I'm pretty beat but still stressed about all of the other stuff I want to do but don't have the energy for. Nothing quite relieves that tension like pot, which ALSO has the benefit of making me feel more emotionally connected to the world around me. That combination of relaxation and heightened emotional awareness is a potent, intoxicating combo.
I've been trying to ramp down my usage because I know it's not good for me to form this kind of habit. I don't necessarily think that using pot is wrong, but my psychiatrist has been pretty adamant that folks with mental health issues shouldn't use it; there's a chance, however small, that paranoia and/or psychosis could develop. Given my family history of schizophrenia, it's an even bigger risk for someone like me.
But it's been hard to stop, especially now that I've formed the habit. In the evenings I'm still as stressed as ever, still as tired as ever, still in need of relief as ever. I've been trying to get better at sitting with those emotions, but it's hard to be...anxious all the time when you know that a hit or two of the vape pen can bring you comfort. Why suffer when you have the means to stop suffering?
It's not about the cessation of suffering, though. I mean, discomfort is a part of life and there's no way around that. What Buddhism teaches us is that discomfort becomes suffering when we cling to the idea of avoiding discomfort at all costs, and that's what's happening here. It's so hard to be mindful about that when I'm all up in my feelings about the writing I should be doing, or the family I should be keeping in touch with, or the cleaning I should be doing around the house.
I've also fallen off of the exercise wagon, and I've been indulging in poor eating as well. I think taking this month to re-establish better habits and adjust my mindset is the best way to spend my time; after all, it IS a month of new beginnings for me.
I accepted a job offer last Friday and turned in my two weeks' notice for my current job on Monday. My manager sent out the email notice yesterday, so word is spreading around the office and the rest of the company. I'm incredibly excited about the new opportunity, but the nervousness hasn't shown up yet -- I know that'll be coming closer to my start date. I thought I'd be...more relieved than I am about leaving my current position, but mostly I find myself genuinely fond of the people I'll be leaving behind and thinking how much I'll miss them. I'm also incredibly grateful for all of the opportunities kind-hearted people have thrown my way, the mentorship I've been given, the patience I've been shown. I think this was the first time I've felt...nurtured by someone in a very long time.
It's a little strange to feel like I'm not in the best headspace, but also to be accepting of that, to know that I can find my way out of the maze. It will take mindfulness and discipline -- two virtues that I'm notoriously weak with -- but I can do it.
Well, no time like the present to get started.
Full disclosure: I've become a consistent user of marijuana. It's not something I'm proud of or happy about, but there it is. It's a form of self-medication for me. After a long day of work I'm pretty beat but still stressed about all of the other stuff I want to do but don't have the energy for. Nothing quite relieves that tension like pot, which ALSO has the benefit of making me feel more emotionally connected to the world around me. That combination of relaxation and heightened emotional awareness is a potent, intoxicating combo.
I've been trying to ramp down my usage because I know it's not good for me to form this kind of habit. I don't necessarily think that using pot is wrong, but my psychiatrist has been pretty adamant that folks with mental health issues shouldn't use it; there's a chance, however small, that paranoia and/or psychosis could develop. Given my family history of schizophrenia, it's an even bigger risk for someone like me.
But it's been hard to stop, especially now that I've formed the habit. In the evenings I'm still as stressed as ever, still as tired as ever, still in need of relief as ever. I've been trying to get better at sitting with those emotions, but it's hard to be...anxious all the time when you know that a hit or two of the vape pen can bring you comfort. Why suffer when you have the means to stop suffering?
It's not about the cessation of suffering, though. I mean, discomfort is a part of life and there's no way around that. What Buddhism teaches us is that discomfort becomes suffering when we cling to the idea of avoiding discomfort at all costs, and that's what's happening here. It's so hard to be mindful about that when I'm all up in my feelings about the writing I should be doing, or the family I should be keeping in touch with, or the cleaning I should be doing around the house.
I've also fallen off of the exercise wagon, and I've been indulging in poor eating as well. I think taking this month to re-establish better habits and adjust my mindset is the best way to spend my time; after all, it IS a month of new beginnings for me.
I accepted a job offer last Friday and turned in my two weeks' notice for my current job on Monday. My manager sent out the email notice yesterday, so word is spreading around the office and the rest of the company. I'm incredibly excited about the new opportunity, but the nervousness hasn't shown up yet -- I know that'll be coming closer to my start date. I thought I'd be...more relieved than I am about leaving my current position, but mostly I find myself genuinely fond of the people I'll be leaving behind and thinking how much I'll miss them. I'm also incredibly grateful for all of the opportunities kind-hearted people have thrown my way, the mentorship I've been given, the patience I've been shown. I think this was the first time I've felt...nurtured by someone in a very long time.
It's a little strange to feel like I'm not in the best headspace, but also to be accepting of that, to know that I can find my way out of the maze. It will take mindfulness and discipline -- two virtues that I'm notoriously weak with -- but I can do it.
Well, no time like the present to get started.
