What I've Been Up To

It's been a little while since I've made a journal post about what's going on in my life, and I'd really like to, so I thought I would.

Mostly, it's been the same thing: work, exercise, TV and movies, hanging out with friends, and making incremental progress on the same goals I've had for the last few years. It's routine, and honestly not *that* exciting, but it's a good life and I like it. I've shifted my focus over time to making it as best a life as I can. At this point in my development, I realize that the loftiest goals might be a bit beyond me. I don't expect to be a famous writer, or a gifted public speaker, or a wise Zen master. That's fine. I do expect to be a better friend, a wiser person, a more eloquent speaker and writer, and more comfortable with myself. Those are easier goals to meet, and it's kind of a big deal that I made the switch. Gone are the lofty, vague dreams of childhood, where I had limitless potential and boundless energy with which to achieve it. Now, I'm not lamenting my wasted potential, and I've shifted my focus to see just how much I can push myself from where I am.

That's not to say I don't still have goals. I *do* want to become a writer, and I'm working on making progress towards that end. It's slow, but sure. As usual, the biggest obstacle I have in my way is discipline and courage. I make these grand plans at the beginning of the week -- "I will write for at least one hour every day this week" -- and I slowly wittle away those expectations until, by the end of it, I'm consoling myself with finishing an e-mail that took me all week to write and promising myself that I'll do better next week.

I think the trouble here is I'm a morning person. I really am. If I could get up and have an hour before work to get in some solid writing, I'd be a happy camper, but that's unmanageable with the schedule I have. My energy level and focus goes down until I'm at the point where I just want to play video games or watch TV by 9 p.m. I haven't discovered a way to stay sharp through the day, so that by the time I get home I'm ready to dive right in to a short story. Maybe that's something that comes with practice, and what I really need to do is push through the fatigue and write (badly) anyway.

Finally, there's the matter of my inner critic. I have the terrible habit of self-editing while I'm writing, which makes me double back and rewrite every sentence two or three times before I'm ready to move on. I have yet to find a way to consistently shut him up enough to just plow through a shitty first draft, stuff something in a drawer for a while, and then come back to it for the edit. I'm sure there's a way to do it. Again, the thing I'm imagining works best is just shutting up and doing it anyway.

I'm also spotty with exercise, though I really enjoy it. When work is really demanding, I come home tired, but always feel better after lifting weights or running or whatever it is I decide to do. Where I keep falling down is the diet.

I have a tremendous sweet tooth. I love cookies, pastries, cakes, pies, candies, chocolate, whatever I can get my little paws on, chances are I'll eat. I've been trying to train myself away from the worst offenders (chocolate bars, buttery pastries, cakes) and replacing them with stuff that's still not great, but at the very least better. Jelly beans and those little gummi raspberries and blackberries are my new best friends. :) That's worked out pretty well, but I still have a tendency to browse that just deep-sixes me.

Overall, though, things haven't been too bad. I tend to focus on the negative, what I could be doing better, just because I'm actively trying to *be* better. For the first time in a long time, I have the mental capital for it, and I'm really excited about taking advantage of it.

There's this saying that's stuck with me ever since I heard it: "Who you are is what you've done in the past, and who you'll be is what you're doing right now." It's a great reminder that in order to be the person I've always wanted to be, all I have to do is change my behavior right now, in this moment. Make the decision that makes me wiser, or more grateful, or more thoughtful. Be more organized. Follow through on goals I've set. Try harder to do what I find worthwhile. There is no time like the present for all of that.

So yes, I'm doing much the same thing I've always been doing, but also trying to forment a quiet revolution in my way of thinking and handling things. It's working, at least I hope it is.

In other news, I had an absolutely fantastic birthday week. :) Ryan was kind enough to get me a DSi and Peggle: Dual Shot; my dragon knows me too well. On Thursday we went out to Black Angus for steak, and then we hooked up with Cooner and his brother for drinks at our favorite neighborhood watering hole, Adam's Apple New Jersey's. On Friday we watched Funny People, which *was* pretty funny, but also a little depressing and about 30 minutes too long.

Saturday was busy. We went to Brokken and Jonny's housewarming/birthday party, which was an absolute blast. There I met a delightful couple (AngelBunny and M-Tiger, I believe), and had one of the best shishkebabs ever. Also, Bolt made a special appearance. Must have been expensive to get. :) After that, there was my birthday dinner at the Duke of Edinburgh, which was attended by way more people than I thought would come. Thanks an awful bunch guys, for showing up and helping me get trashed. :D

On Sunday we headed back to the movie theatre for a double feature of The Perfect Getaway and GI Joe; both were surprisingly fun. I'm worried Getaway won't be seen by enough folks, especially because it has Milla Jovovich, but if you're in the mood for a good, smart thriller, I'd recommend giving it a try. I'm also in love with the new GI Joe power armor. Ryan had mentioned imagining that buff lion-men were doing everything instead of just guys in suits, though, and he's right; it makes the movie *twenty* times better. :)

Sunday evening was full of KOTOR, and I made significant progress with my time on Tattooine. I finally managed to get those stupid Sand People the water vaporisers they need, so they would stop attacking people on sight, and Mission finally met up with her brother Griff. Griff is a giant asshat.

Finally, there was True Blood, which is just a gem of a show if you guys aren't watching it. Last night's episode featured what was probably the crowning moment of Jason Stackhouse's young, stupid life and the near-resolution of the whole Dallas arc. But, if you aren't watching, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, right? ;)

Now I'm at work, just getting ready to clock in. For a Monday, it's not going to be a bad day. I can feel it.