Right Now

It might have been the lack of sleep, but this morning I had a conversation with an administrative asst. here about the wonders of Buddhist philosophy that made me deliriously happy. I've been largely dissatisfied with this job for a number of reasons lately, not the least of which is the thought that corporate culture cultivates a me-first, my-success-at-all-costs attitude that's difficult to deal with, so being able to talk to this woman who is addicted to televangelists and QVC about how much we love the idea of being fully present in every moment was just a joy. The Buddha is everywhere if you're looking.

toob is away on business, and though I'm not outwardly depressed I am falling apart over it in my own way. Insomnia has returned with a vengeance, I'm sluggish and unmotivated, and it's hard to keep doing everything I want/feel the need to do. I'm not down, but...it's an odd thing. I really miss him.

More forthcoming, but later!

Black Star

Time: 31 minutes
Distance: 2.80 miles
Speed: 6.2 mph
Calories: 287

Lat Pulldown: 60 lbs.
Seated Row: 60 lbs.
Straight Arm Pushdown: 30 lbs.
Preacher Curl: 20 lbs.



The preacher curls are always the things that kill me. They're the last things I do, and the first set always goes just fine. Then I start having real trouble towards the end of the second set. Halfway through the third set I'm squirming and grunting and groaning, trying to let momentum pull the bar up to my chin. I'm wondering if I'm burning through the sets too fast, not giving the muscle enough time to recuperate. My arms feel really tight and I notice there's a slight bend to them for a while after I'm done.

Other than that, things are moving right along. The weight exercises are getting easier to do all the time! I'm reluctant to move up, though, because the weights tend to move in 20 lb. increments. Things could go from "Wow, this is easy." to "OMG MY BACK" far too easily.

I haven't made a substantial entry in a while. There are many reasons for that, but the biggest one is simply I haven't felt like I have anything interesting to say. It's a constant source of frustration for me; my friends list is full of people living their lives and gleaning something from them, bringing them back and sharing them with the rest of us. There doesn't seem to be much insight for me recently.

Work is there. It's intense and demanding, but ultimately unfulfilling. What I do is glorified mail room; I make sure employees ship packages, or get the packages coming to them, or get whatever benefits they're supposed to. There are a ton of small things that need to be remembered, and there are always new things to learn, improvements to be made to the process. I'd like to think I do it well, and I can take pride in that, but ultimately...what does that mean? Am I really doing anything that betters me or the people around me?

It's occured to me that it's not so much the work that's the problem as the attitude behind it. Isn't the point making everything you do a way to better yourself and the people around you? Why develop big mystic practices around washing dishes, chopping wood, fetching water? If you get yourself out of the way, anything and everything can be the most important work there is.

So I've tried to think of work as such. It's only mail room, but, well, if approached the right way even accepting the mail can be something more. I still want to find a job that pays better, and fitsmore in line with my passion (God, I miss books!), but that's no reason I can't learn to turn this job into something that I can be proud of doing.

I'll try to update more frequently. There was an awesome weekend in San Francisco to talk about, and a weekly poker game I'm a part of, but that'll have to wait until later.