The Specific Comparisons

At what point do you stop being a helpful friend and start becoming a busybody?

I don't really want to bring up specifics, but I stepped between two friends earlier this week because I thought it would help. Needless to say, it didn't. I'm trying to pin down exactly what went wrong, what part I had to play in this entire mess. The broad, general mistake is easy to pin down, but looking at all of its individual parts is what's proving difficult.

We'll start simply first. I should not have gotten involved. My intentions were good, but in the end I wrongly presumed I knew what the situation needed and sought to provide it without being absolutely sure that was what either party really wanted. And I think that's where the desire to help definitely goes wrong; when you're so sure that you have what it takes to make things better you force your help onto people who don't necessarily need or want it.

I feel compelled to write an explanation about why I did what I did, but this in no way excuses it. In fact, more than anything it'll show you how mistaken I can be in my thinking. :)

I tend to be a shoulder for a lot of people, and I really relish the role of being a confidant. It makes me feel very good to know that people can trust me with secrets, that I can listen without judgement and offer suggestions they haven't thought about and points of view they haven't considered. I think it's my niche; the unoffensive friend who gently nudges someone into a realization or betterment, or just provides an ear at the right moment for someone to work things out. People need to be completely comfortable with me to let their guard down in this way, and when they do it makes me feel like I've fulfilled my own personal purpose. It builds my Willpower, to borrow a gaming term. ;) Being a confidant is very important to me and it's one of the ways I mark myself as a good friend.

Part of this new proactive stance with regards to fixing situations comes mostly from the knowledge that I'll be leaving this summer and I won't be there to be a shoulder to local friends any more. So, as a final, overly-ambitious project, I'm trying to get people around here to be more open and honest with each other. I'll probably catch a lot of shit for saying this, but people really don't trust each other around here, and I'd really like to see us closer.

There's a reason for NARFA being the way it is, though; a lot of us have history with each other, not all of it pleasant, and that's fine. But I really do think if the local furs here started viewing each other with a bit more empathy (starting with the simple realization that this bundle of annoyances you're talking to is an actual person who just wants the same things as you) then while maybe there wouldn't be a gigantic folk tune concert around a campfire, people could come to a better understanding of each other...and just, you know, be accepting.

I want, I suppose, to leave NARFA in a better place than it is currently. I was one of the founding members, I've been with these guys from day one. I was here when we were actually making a bit of noise regionally, I was here when the Cube idea was brought up and began to be implemented, I've been here through a number of people coming and going. There's nothing inherently wrong with us as we are; we've just settled into the form we have. But there's always room for improvement, and I want to *improve* it before I leave.

I worry about the people here, and how they'll treat each other when I'm gone. I want to be reasonably sure that everyone's going to be OK when I'm not here. I guess, summed up, it all shapes up to a "What will they do without me?" thought that's horrible and presumptuous and egotistical but I'm feeling it just the same. I really don't expect NARFA to fall apart without me, I'm really not *that* important. But I'm not sure.

Perhaps, I realize *now*, through all of this, that I should just trust people to make the right decisions for themselves. And if they don't, be there to help them learn through their mistakes. Truly helping someone doesn't mean shunting your view of how you think things should be onto them. It means making yourself open and available and accepting of whatever comes your way, and being able to offer help whenever it's asked for. NARFA will be OK, and if it's not, then the people *within* NARFA will be OK. And if not, well...I'll do whatever I can to help.

But no more of this "Jakebe saves the day" business. It really doesn't fit.