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Dirty Hippiness
Oct. 24th, 2003 10:58 am
Hey there, all...
In Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha, there's a moment of clarity when good ol' Master S takes a look into the face of his riverman friend, and there he sees the faces of everyone he's ever met, ebbing and flowing, morphing and changing, shouting, weeping and laughing, and the faces and voices change so fast it's impossible to hold onto any single one, so when he stops trying all of the voices fade into a single, sublime syllable: Ohm.
I often get that feeling when I read my friends list on LiveJournal. Like, really read it. It's a very interesting feeling.
As much as I'd like to believe that I'm really this friendly laidback lobotomy success story, the fact of the matter is I'm a pretty flawed individual. ;) I've been trying to shift focus from acting enlightened in the hopes of stumbling onto the real thing to just becoming aware of my flaws.
So, without further ado...
I've been pretty short with people lately. I think there are a variety of reasons behind this, mostly environmental, but when you get right down to it it's all about me not asking for or taking space to myself when I need or want it. Often, when I manage to get myself alone I dive right back into socializing on-line, which, you know, kind of defeats the purpose. :) I've been tremendously jealous of happenings on-line, too; you know, wishing that I had the attention/friendship of 'the right people' and sulking when I can't even get a hello when I walk into a room. Silly shit like that. At the same time, I'll have conversations going anyway that I just don't feel like taking part in because I've gotten into a bad mood. So I'm probably doing the same thing to someone else without even realizing it because I'm being self-absorbed and pissy. I'm just a chain in that big cycle.
So apologies to everyone I've been snippy with over the past week or so. Lots of stresses and frustrations that are being outwardly projected onto you. It has nothing to do with anyone but me, and I'm not going to overintellectualize it because I've been down that road before. There's a simple fact: it's stupid behavior, and I know what I need to do to change it. It's just a matter of doing it and not concerning myself with what I'm missing. I'm missing a whole lot *more* because I'm trying to force a square peg into a round hole. ;)
Ramadan approaches faster and faster. ;) I had kind of forgotten about it in my frustrations and other various crap, but Kevin's been keeping me on track really well. :) He's really excited, so I am, too. Tonight I go to Eureka Springs to visit him and get a tea set I've had my eye on for months now. We'll finalize plans and I'll tell him what little bit *I* know that helps (thanks Snakeskurt!), and *hopefully* watch more Six Feet Under. :) Saturday, I resume Changeling with Eliahn and hang out with him, and Sunday there's my tabletop Changeling game and 2 Sense. Hopefully, a lot of rest between. :)
In Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha, there's a moment of clarity when good ol' Master S takes a look into the face of his riverman friend, and there he sees the faces of everyone he's ever met, ebbing and flowing, morphing and changing, shouting, weeping and laughing, and the faces and voices change so fast it's impossible to hold onto any single one, so when he stops trying all of the voices fade into a single, sublime syllable: Ohm.
I often get that feeling when I read my friends list on LiveJournal. Like, really read it. It's a very interesting feeling.
As much as I'd like to believe that I'm really this friendly laidback lobotomy success story, the fact of the matter is I'm a pretty flawed individual. ;) I've been trying to shift focus from acting enlightened in the hopes of stumbling onto the real thing to just becoming aware of my flaws.
So, without further ado...
I've been pretty short with people lately. I think there are a variety of reasons behind this, mostly environmental, but when you get right down to it it's all about me not asking for or taking space to myself when I need or want it. Often, when I manage to get myself alone I dive right back into socializing on-line, which, you know, kind of defeats the purpose. :) I've been tremendously jealous of happenings on-line, too; you know, wishing that I had the attention/friendship of 'the right people' and sulking when I can't even get a hello when I walk into a room. Silly shit like that. At the same time, I'll have conversations going anyway that I just don't feel like taking part in because I've gotten into a bad mood. So I'm probably doing the same thing to someone else without even realizing it because I'm being self-absorbed and pissy. I'm just a chain in that big cycle.
So apologies to everyone I've been snippy with over the past week or so. Lots of stresses and frustrations that are being outwardly projected onto you. It has nothing to do with anyone but me, and I'm not going to overintellectualize it because I've been down that road before. There's a simple fact: it's stupid behavior, and I know what I need to do to change it. It's just a matter of doing it and not concerning myself with what I'm missing. I'm missing a whole lot *more* because I'm trying to force a square peg into a round hole. ;)
Ramadan approaches faster and faster. ;) I had kind of forgotten about it in my frustrations and other various crap, but Kevin's been keeping me on track really well. :) He's really excited, so I am, too. Tonight I go to Eureka Springs to visit him and get a tea set I've had my eye on for months now. We'll finalize plans and I'll tell him what little bit *I* know that helps (thanks Snakeskurt!), and *hopefully* watch more Six Feet Under. :) Saturday, I resume Changeling with Eliahn and hang out with him, and Sunday there's my tabletop Changeling game and 2 Sense. Hopefully, a lot of rest between. :)
